Weird mother-in-law

[Anonymous]

My aunt is like this. She makes it her business to go through everything you have. She has not been invited over in 13 years because I simply will not put up with that type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.
MIL worked before her retirement and was a breadwinner actually. However she never buys herself anything, another weird thing. She wears same stuff every single day.

OP, since you are still checking this thread, what's it gonna be? Are you going to be a grown-up and set the boundary--even if MIL and DH might not like it--or are you going to continue to be a doormat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not super unusual, but completely inappropriate. MIL is probably of the generation where husband made all the money, it was his money, she got an allowance, and never got to get new clothes or accessories. Her big excitement came every other year when hubby got her a new coat for Christmas and it was supposed to move her to tears with gratitude. Set some boundaries, but pity her.

How old do you suppose the MIL is that she spent her adult years in the pre-womens'-lib era? Even if MIL is 90, it's still not normal to search someone's stuff and then cry when they ask you not to. It's mental illness/personality disorder, especially as OP says her MIL is not from one of the cultures where that kind of crazy, no-boundary behavior is often "acceptable."

If you can't be a grown-up and tell someone not to search you, and you quake at the thought of them gossiping about what they find, then you deserve the life you and your man-baby have together with his dysfunctional family.

I was born in 1981 and my own mother had this relationship with my father, as did the vast majority of my friends' mothers. Both my grandmothers (born in the 1930s) had the same. I know women now who live in similar roles.

I'm old enough to be your mom, so I lived it, and I didn't know anyone who received an allowance or had to get permission to buy clothes. This would have been considered an old-fashioned thing, even back then, to be controlled by one's husband if he were the main breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not super unusual, but completely inappropriate. MIL is probably of the generation where husband made all the money, it was his money, she got an allowance, and never got to get new clothes or accessories. Her big excitement came every other year when hubby got her a new coat for Christmas and it was supposed to move her to tears with gratitude. Set some boundaries, but pity her.

How old do you suppose the MIL is that she spent her adult years in the pre-womens'-lib era? Even if MIL is 90, it's still not normal to search someone's stuff and then cry when they ask you not to. It's mental illness/personality disorder, especially as OP says her MIL is not from one of the cultures where that kind of crazy, no-boundary behavior is often "acceptable."

If you can't be a grown-up and tell someone not to search you, and you quake at the thought of them gossiping about what they find, then you deserve the life you and your man-baby have together with his dysfunctional family.

I was born in 1981 and my own mother had this relationship with my father, as did the vast majority of my friends' mothers. Both my grandmothers (born in the 1930s) had the same. I know women now who live in similar roles.

I'm old enough to be your mom, so I lived it, and I didn't know anyone who received an allowance or had to get permission to buy clothes. This would have been considered an old-fashioned thing, even back then, to be controlled by one's husband if he were the main breadwinner.

Don't know what to tell you. This was the working class South though. Plenty of wives still responded "yes sir" to their husbands even as late as my childhood. Glad you all grew up in a more enlightened time/place though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.
MIL worked before her retirement and was a breadwinner actually. However she never buys herself anything, another weird thing. She wears same stuff every single day.

I see this as part of a pattern of personality. She denies herself things and is overly invested and intrusive into what other people have. She has set up an artificial dynamic in which she can say "Poor me, I have nothing at all. And look how much Larla has." The entire world is the sibling who got a bigger slice of cake.

[Anonymous]

Grow a spine, OP.

[Anonymous]

Well, it's certainly rude and childish, but unless this spills into more serious territory, like having tantrums or insisting she has her way all the time, I would find the clothes snooping completely harmless. I have nothing to hide from my MIL. If she doesn't like what she finds, too bad for her, not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No not normal. She sounds like a mom to a mommas boy. Either jewish or italian.

Stop with the bigoted stereotypes.

I'm Jewish and I thought I'd heard everything...is there a stereotype about Jewish women going through purses?

I think it has more to do with the one about being nosy. Don't be thick.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. It's not about being nosy. It's about not having appropriate boundaries. People who can't recognize that others have basic rights and who can't separate out their egos and wants from others' are kind of the basis of a lot of problems in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No not normal. She sounds like a mom to a mommas boy. Either jewish or italian.

Stop with the bigoted stereotypes.

I'm Jewish and I thought I'd heard everything...is there a stereotype about Jewish women going through purses?

I think it has more to do with the one about being nosy. Don't be thick.

This thread has really brought out the uglies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No not normal. She sounds like a mom to a mommas boy. Either jewish or italian.

Oh. I pegged her for Asian (filipina)

[Anonymous]

Interesting. My mom, who's worked her whole life but always very self-denying, is always interested to know how much I spent on something, even though she hates shopping and rarely buys anything for herself. When I asked her she wanted to know, she said she just wanted to know what the market price is, since she rarely shops she knows little about the latest trends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Close your bedroom door. My MIL would never go in my bedroom without permission or some real reason, like unpacking and putting a book on my bed for us, or to say hi to the dog.

God, if only this worked with my in-laws. If a door is closed, that's the first place they go.

Same with mine. I closed one room and MIL went in and reorganized it.

[Anonymous]

No and you need to put your foot down. Part of this makes me think she's digging for dirt on you and your spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you need to start putting sex toys in your closet and purse, things that will embarrass her and show her she has crossed the line and needs to leave you some privacy. Maybe hang a swing in the closet? whatever you can do to make her regret it

Thought of that! But we were at my BIL house and my nieces found a dancing pole in their bedroom. Of course they told this to my MIL. She called every single person and told that her DIL has it in her bedroom. So the toys in the closet not an option!

Use this to convince your DH. Tell him you do not want his/your business being the subject of family fodder and if he he's honest with himself about it, he probably doesn't either. Have him brainstorm something with you to say so that he feels it's respectful enough but still firm. Otherwise you won't be responsible for an inevitable explosion!