Why are there so few secondary infertility support groups?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

OP - I am with you! 35 and also going through secondary infertility (TTC for two years). We have lots of friends who had their children through IUI and IVF because of primary infertility (including ALL of my nieces and nephews). But this thread underscores why I can't talk to any of them about it, even though the treatments, the grind, the uncertainty, and the financial burden are the same. I feel so alone. A support group is a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

OP - I am with you! 35 and also going through secondary infertility (TTC for two years). We have lots of friends who had their children through IUI and IVF because of primary infertility (including ALL of my nieces and nephews). But this thread underscores why I can't talk to any of them about it, even though the treatments, the grind, the uncertainty, and the financial burden are the same. I feel so alone. A support group is a great idea.

It isn't the same though. Primary and secondary infertility may both be extremely difficult but your burdens are totally different. You are burdened with the inability to add to or complete your family. Someone with primary cannot have that family at all. AT. ALL. Why is this so unclear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and all the other women here: one of the shittiest aspects of infertility is that we as women -- gay or straight -- have to confront our aging process in a way that other women don't have to, at least immediately. It's pretty awful, considering how much our society values youth.

Just remember, everyone: what has happened to you is terrible, often a mix of bad luck and timing and genetics. But the bad things that have happened don't define us. We have the capacity to set aside this posture of victim hood and be kind to everyone who is suffering from their inability to have the family they want, no matter the reason.

*stepping off soapbox now*

The worst aspect is not being able to have kids, no matter what age (and some people face it in their 20s). It's not aweful to age, it's a natural process. Everybody ages and then dies. Don't bundle IF with the youth obsession, not the same thing at all.

Yeah I never said aging was "the worst," only that it's often an unexpectedly uncomfortable thing to have to confront in the midst of IVF. Nor did I say it is awful. I like my wrinkles! Just that in a youth-obsessed culture it can be jarring for some women. And As the OP said in her own words: "I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen."

[Anonymous]

OP I know you from the general parenting board. As many people there pointed out, you need to separate your issues with your parent with your desire to have another child. Being an only does not equal having the experience that you apparently had with your parents.

In any case, primary IF is exactly the kind of group that can't help you with your problem - your view of how tragic it was to be an only child. Even less would they be interested that it is somehow unfair or impossible that you - you who conceived so easily - cannot get pregnant the second time. I say this as someone who went through hell with secondary IF but likewise conceived easily #1. I understand your pain but it's not the same.

Would you join a breasr cancer group? Just because they suffer doesn't mean you have a lot in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and all the other women here: one of the shittiest aspects of infertility is that we as women -- gay or straight -- have to confront our aging process in a way that other women don't have to, at least immediately. It's pretty awful, considering how much our society values youth.

Just remember, everyone: what has happened to you is terrible, often a mix of bad luck and timing and genetics. But the bad things that have happened don't define us. We have the capacity to set aside this posture of victim hood and be kind to everyone who is suffering from their inability to have the family they want, no matter the reason.

*stepping off soapbox now*

The worst aspect is not being able to have kids, no matter what age (and some people face it in their 20s). It's not aweful to age, it's a natural process. Everybody ages and then dies. Don't bundle IF with the youth obsession, not the same thing at all.

Yeah I never said aging was "the worst," only that it's often an unexpectedly uncomfortable thing to have to confront in the midst of IVF. Nor did I say it is awful. I like my wrinkles! Just that in a youth-obsessed culture it can be jarring for some women. And As the OP said in her own words: "I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen."

Shittiest. You said shittiest, and I was trying not to stoop to that sort of language. K?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think people have a hard time wrapping their heads around an infertile lesbian couple because there's that lingering question - are you reeeeeally fertile? A normal healthy couple may need to have sex a lot, many times during their fertile period, for months on end to get pregnant. The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do. So maybe you wouldn't be infertile under normal circumstance? Maybe that's ignorant, just what I'm thinking. That said I'm so sorry that you're struggling. Op too. You guys are right that it's not suffering Olympics but a bruised apple can't be compared to a bruised orange even if they're both in fact damaged. Secondary infertility IS different.

I am shocked to read this. Could this poster have said "normal" any more times? Normal couples (as opposed to lesbian ones) and normal circumstances (as opposed to gay circumstances?).

I'm a single woman who is trying to have a child by myself AND has infertility. Does that blow your mind, PP? As far as "The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do." I've done 5 fresh iVF cycles and one FET with my own eggs plus one ivF with donor eggs. How many IVFs have you done, PP? Whose eggs are you using in the end? I agree that comparing suffering doesn't do anyone any good, but your assumption that lesbian (or presumably single woman) infertility isn't real infertility is bizarre and offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

OP - I am with you! 35 and also going through secondary infertility (TTC for two years). We have lots of friends who had their children through IUI and IVF because of primary infertility (including ALL of my nieces and nephews). But this thread underscores why I can't talk to any of them about it, even though the treatments, the grind, the uncertainty, and the financial burden are the same. I feel so alone. A support group is a great idea.

NP here. It absolutely makes sense to me why someone who is experiencing secondary IF after conceiving easily the first time would need a support group, but I think you need to separate out the issues. I needed ART for both of my pregnancies, and I had pretty much given up on having a biological child when my 7th ART cycle finally resulted in DD. For me personally, having a child at all was such a miracle that even though I was upset by the chemical pregnancy that resulted from my first FET trying for #2, no aspect of that grief compared to what I felt during the mc's and chemicals I had trying for #1.

This isn't to minimize your experience, just to say it's different. If you're looking for emotional support about not having a second child from women who have never had a child, you aren't going to get it. They simply will not be able to relate to you, and, perhaps unfairly, some will minimize your pain. Now, if you want to talk about how much IUIs and IVFs and all the stuff that goes along with treatments sucks, then I don't care if you're trying for #5...I'd be more than happy to commiserate. Cuz it does suck...even after you get so used to it, it becomes part of your daily routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

OP - I am with you! 35 and also going through secondary infertility (TTC for two years). We have lots of friends who had their children through IUI and IVF because of primary infertility (including ALL of my nieces and nephews). But this thread underscores why I can't talk to any of them about it, even though the treatments, the grind, the uncertainty, and the financial burden are the same. I feel so alone. A support group is a great idea.

NP here. It absolutely makes sense to me why someone who is experiencing secondary IF after conceiving easily the first time would need a support group, but I think you need to separate out the issues. I needed ART for both of my pregnancies, and I had pretty much given up on having a biological child when my 7th ART cycle finally resulted in DD. For me personally, having a child at all was such a miracle that even though I was upset by the chemical pregnancy that resulted from my first FET trying for #2, no aspect of that grief compared to what I felt during the mc's and chemicals I had trying for #1.

This isn't to minimize your experience, just to say it's different. If you're looking for emotional support about not having a second child from women who have never had a child, you aren't going to get it. They simply will not be able to relate to you, and, perhaps unfairly, some will minimize your pain. Now, if you want to talk about how much IUIs and IVFs and all the stuff that goes along with treatments sucks, then I don't care if you're trying for #5...I'd be more than happy to commiserate. Cuz it does suck...even after you get so used to it, it becomes part of your daily routine.

BTW, not everyone who undergoes ART for their first gets easily pregnant on their own the second time. I know some people who did, but I'm one of the ones who didn't. Assuming otherwise doesn't help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think people have a hard time wrapping their heads around an infertile lesbian couple because there's that lingering question - are you reeeeeally fertile? A normal healthy couple may need to have sex a lot, many times during their fertile period, for months on end to get pregnant. The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do. So maybe you wouldn't be infertile under normal circumstance? Maybe that's ignorant, just what I'm thinking. That said I'm so sorry that you're struggling. Op too. You guys are right that it's not suffering Olympics but a bruised apple can't be compared to a bruised orange even if they're both in fact damaged. Secondary infertility IS different.

I am shocked to read this. Could this poster have said "normal" any more times? Normal couples (as opposed to lesbian ones) and normal circumstances (as opposed to gay circumstances?).

I'm a single woman who is trying to have a child by myself AND has infertility. Does that blow your mind, PP? As far as "The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do." I've done 5 fresh iVF cycles and one FET with my own eggs plus one ivF with donor eggs. How many IVFs have you done, PP? Whose eggs are you using in the end? I agree that comparing suffering doesn't do anyone any good, but your assumption that lesbian (or presumably single woman) infertility isn't real infertility is bizarre and offensive.

+1...well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

I think you're falsely assuming that most women who have gone through primary IF get pregnant easily on their own with their second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

I think you're falsely assuming that most women who have gone through primary IF get pregnant easily on their own with their second.

Wow, I didn't catch that! Most women with primary don't get pregnant on their own the second time! OP, you wonder why people haven't been as kind as you hoped. Try having some empathy and educated yourself!

[Anonymous]

Wow - I missed that too. Certainly not true for us and almost all of the other couples we've met on our long journey through IF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think people have a hard time wrapping their heads around an infertile lesbian couple because there's that lingering question - are you reeeeeally fertile? A normal healthy couple may need to have sex a lot, many times during their fertile period, for months on end to get pregnant. The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do. So maybe you wouldn't be infertile under normal circumstance? Maybe that's ignorant, just what I'm thinking. That said I'm so sorry that you're struggling. Op too. You guys are right that it's not suffering Olympics but a bruised apple can't be compared to a bruised orange even if they're both in fact damaged. Secondary infertility IS different.

I am shocked to read this. Could this poster have said "normal" any more times? Normal couples (as opposed to lesbian ones) and normal circumstances (as opposed to gay circumstances?).

I'm a single woman who is trying to have a child by myself AND has infertility. Does that blow your mind, PP? As far as "The procedures you are undergoing may result to only a fraction of what normal couples have to do." I've done 5 fresh iVF cycles and one FET with my own eggs plus one ivF with donor eggs. How many IVFs have you done, PP? Whose eggs are you using in the end? I agree that comparing suffering doesn't do anyone any good, but your assumption that lesbian (or presumably single woman) infertility isn't real infertility is bizarre and offensive.

+1...well said!

+2... from another single woman with a severe genetic form of infertility.