Why are there so few secondary infertility support groups?

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with secondary infertility and struggling to find a support group that I can join. I was interested in joining the primary infertility support groups near me through Resolve but was prohibited from joining them because I have secondary, which I think is just awful. I already feel so worn down, disappointed and upset from the whole secondary infertility process, and really need a support group, and then to be prohibited from joining the primary ones (that are way more convenient for me location-wise) is just another disappointment and feelings of rejection.

Anyhow, there is only one secondary group through Resolve but it is really far away from me. I'm wondering why there are so few secondary infertility groups. Infertility is difficult no matter when you're facing it.

[Anonymous]

I think primary infertility groups are facing something completely different than what you are. They are childless. You are not. Let it sink in because it's really that simple. What you're going through is probably very difficult but you aren't facing a lifetime of childlessness.

[Anonymous]

Yes, very difficult no matter when, but secondary is a different animal from primary. No one's saying you don't need or can't benefit from a support group. They are just saying the primary support group isn't the place for your issue. And I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think primary infertility groups are facing something completely different than what you are. They are childless. You are not. Let it sink in because it's really that simple. What you're going through is probably very difficult but you aren't facing a lifetime of childlessness.

+1

Because you're already a parent, presumably, if you're experiencing 2ndary infertility. Which as PP says is a different animal than just plain infertility.

[Anonymous]

I would try to find a place online...like I loved the Fertility Friend infertility boards. That said I was primary infertility, so it is a totally different experience.

[Anonymous]

I suffered with secondary infertility. I am so sorry. Facing the possibility that your family might not turn out as you wanted, on top of the pressure of everyone wondering why you're not pregnant, and thinking it couldn't possibly be infertility,is hard. I never joined an in-person group, but this board has lots facing a similar issue.

Fwiw, Ivf worked for me. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think IF is difficult and heartbreaking no matter when it happens, but there is a big difference between primary and secondary. That being said, if you can't find an in-person group, I'm sure you can find something online. I suffered primary and found an incredible group during my IVF cycle. We are still in touch almost daily 2.5 years since our first cycles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with secondary infertility and struggling to find a support group that I can join. I was interested in joining the primary infertility support groups near me through Resolve but was prohibited from joining them because I have secondary, which I think is just awful.

I doubt you would get the support you need from this group and they from you. Keep looking and ask at some IVF clinics around town for better options.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have secondary infertility and premature ovarian failure, so it's pretty much a given that I will never be pregnant with my own eggs again, which is incredibly devastating. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my child, but completely devastated by my completely unexpected diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have secondary infertility and premature ovarian failure, so it's pretty much a given that I will never be pregnant with my own eggs again, which is incredibly devastating. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my child, but completely devastated by my completely unexpected diagnosis.

If this is the case, maybe think about joining the message boards over at PVED (Parents Via Egg Donation). I found them very useful when I was going through DE IVF and you could get a lot of support even if you aren't set on using donor eggs yet. Many, many women there are going through Premature Ovarian Failure. I was surprised by the fact that the majority of the women there were fairly young since the usual thought is that using donor eggs is age-related. (I had POF as well, FWIW).

I agree with the other posters who said that a group focusing on primary infertility is not going to give you what you need. The people in those groups are grieving a different loss. Not better or worse, just completely different in kind. I suffered with both primary and secondary (I have two DE kids) and I would not have felt comfortable in a group for primary the second ting around.

[Anonymous]

Heal from Within in Friendship Heights offers support classes. I met an invaluable group of women through my group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

I relate to this. Right after suffering a second loss, I moved into a bigger house we bought thinking we'd have another baby. We moved boxes and boxes of baby clothes, maternity clothes toys etc. No fun and still no baby. That said, I agree that secondary infertility is different. It's a struggle, but not the same struggle, so probably best to have a separate support group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have secondary infertility and premature ovarian failure, so it's pretty much a given that I will never be pregnant with my own eggs again, which is incredibly devastating. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my child, but completely devastated by my completely unexpected diagnosis.

I hope that you can find the support group you need. But in tandem with that, you should consider therapy to allow you to be the best parent you can be to the family you already have - it's still a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with secondary infertility and struggling to find a support group that I can join. I was interested in joining the primary infertility support groups near me through Resolve but was prohibited from joining them because I have secondary, which I think is just awful. I already feel so worn down, disappointed and upset from the whole secondary infertility process, and really need a support group, and then to be prohibited from joining the primary ones (that are way more convenient for me location-wise) is just another disappointment and feelings of rejection.

Anyhow, there is only one secondary group through Resolve but it is really far away from me. I'm wondering why there are so few secondary infertility groups. Infertility is difficult no matter when you're facing it.

If they allowed you to join they would still not have supported you the way you would have wanted, because their main issue is different from yours. They grieve never ever being able to become a parent. What support can you offer to them? It's a mutual support group and you're not the right fit for it.