Why are there so few secondary infertility support groups?

[Anonymous]

It seems like there's good interest in a secondary infertility group - I would encourage you to possibly start your own through Resolve if one isn't near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with secondary infertility and struggling to find a support group that I can join. I was interested in joining the primary infertility support groups near me through Resolve but was prohibited from joining them because I have secondary, which I think is just awful. I already feel so worn down, disappointed and upset from the whole secondary infertility process, and really need a support group, and then to be prohibited from joining the primary ones (that are way more convenient for me location-wise) is just another disappointment and feelings of rejection.

Anyhow, there is only one secondary group through Resolve but it is really far away from me. I'm wondering why there are so few secondary infertility groups. Infertility is difficult no matter when you're facing it.

If they allowed you to join they would still not have supported you the way you would have wanted, because their main issue is different from yours. They grieve never ever being able to become a parent. What support can you offer to them? It's a mutual support group and you're not the right fit for it.

Yup. Frankly, I would be pissed if someone with secondary infertility tried to join my primary support group. You and I are not going through the same thing. Guess what? Your worst case is way better than what many of the women in that group are facjng.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with secondary infertility and struggling to find a support group that I can join. I was interested in joining the primary infertility support groups near me through Resolve but was prohibited from joining them because I have secondary, which I think is just awful. I already feel so worn down, disappointed and upset from the whole secondary infertility process, and really need a support group, and then to be prohibited from joining the primary ones (that are way more convenient for me location-wise) is just another disappointment and feelings of rejection.

Anyhow, there is only one secondary group through Resolve but it is really far away from me. I'm wondering why there are so few secondary infertility groups. Infertility is difficult no matter when you're facing it.

If they allowed you to join they would still not have supported you the way you would have wanted, because their main issue is different from yours. They grieve never ever being able to become a parent. What support can you offer to them? It's a mutual support group and you're not the right fit for it.

Yup. Frankly, I would be pissed if someone with secondary infertility tried to join my primary support group. You and I are not going through the same thing. Guess what? Your worst case is way better than what many of the women in that group are facjng.

+1 I think I also am uncomfortable that you talk about premature ovarian failure and lots of my friends with primary IF and have the same diagnosis have gotten pregnant with their own eggs with treatment. I am so sorry you have to go through IF. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you need an appropriate space and perhaps starting an secondary IF group via Resolve is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

If you showed up at ANY support group saying "And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy" I hope they asked you nicely to leave.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, primary and secondary infertility are two very different things. Having gone through both I honestly cannot say which is worse. With secondary you need a different type of support though. It's different because you now have the sadness of your child not having a sibling and being around pregnant women all the time through mother's groups, etc. Women facing primary infertility cannot understand these things. I wish I knew you in person OP because I think I could help you having recently gone through this. Where are you located?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

Wait, what? If a lesbian showed up at an infertility support group of any kind I would be perplexed. Of course you can't have an oops pregnancy. Science and all. Of course you have to pay to have a baby. It's not the same as having sex month after month expecting it to work and, nothing. You knew you would have to use ART and it's only a fairly recent thing that even the possibility of you having a child is real. Also, there are two sets of eggs and you choose the sperm and can switch donors if there is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

If you showed up at ANY support group saying "And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy" I hope they asked you nicely to leave.

We have never attended an in person support group other than for pregnancy loss. From the tone of some of these responses it makes me glad that we haven't. What I said about not trying at home is a fact. And you can't pretend it doesn't happen for some couples. Even on this forum, there are couples who need fertility intervention for child 1 then get pregnant with a second on their own.

I wouldn't wish the pain we have experienced on anyone, and I completely acknowledge that primary infertility is brutal and not anything like secondary. As I said, we also dealt with it for years in addition to the numerous obstacles lesbian couples face when using a fertility clinic. Things like paying close to $1000 to sit with a social worker who questioned every aspect of our choice (which, by the way, is standard at every clinic we have ever worked with).

Why would you zero in on that particular part of my post when I was merely trying to empathize with OP?

[Anonymous]

While I understand your pain and hope you find some support on-line, I will add on that a primary IF support group is not a good place for you. Your presence alone would be difficult for many of the participants and would cause some of have to abandon the support they so desparately need. We had primary IF due to medical issues. We ended up requiring a surrogate and donor eggs to have our twin children and it was a very hard and difficult journey. But part of the pain was the thought of never having children at all. Trying to commiserate and share support with someone who already had a child would have been very, very difficult and we probably would have left the support group because at the time we could not cope with that, not in the one place where we were trying to get support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

Wait, what? If a lesbian showed up at an infertility support group of any kind I would be perplexed. Of course you can't have an oops pregnancy. Science and all. Of course you have to pay to have a baby. It's not the same as having sex month after month expecting it to work and, nothing. You knew you would have to use ART and it's only a fairly recent thing that even the possibility of you having a child is real. Also, there are two sets of eggs and you choose the sperm and can switch donors if there is an issue.

Lots of assumptions from you.

Obviously with "science and all" we can't try at home. But you do realize that lesbians can get pregnant with ART right? We know couples who did - they did AI at home with a known donor. And they were lucky enough to have success. We didn't. Also, you have no idea what went into OUR decision to choose a donor and to stick with that donor - nor do you know anything about OUR choice of who would carry and why. Why would you? You wouldn't have to face these decisions in the same way that we have. The very fact that we have such a unique set of circumstances makes it virtually impossible to find a support group that is appropriate for us. Your response and the one below yours firmly proves that. And frankly your lack is sensitivity is shitty.

I would never come for anyone on this board in the way you have - we are all suffering from a unique set of circumstances and I've always found this board to be the one place where we can find support. It makes me sad to have to question that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, primary and secondary infertility are two very different things. Having gone through both I honestly cannot say which is worse. With secondary you need a different type of support though. It's different because you now have the sadness of your child not having a sibling and being around pregnant women all the time through mother's groups, etc. Women facing primary infertility cannot understand these things. I wish I knew you in person OP because I think I could help you having recently gone through this. Where are you located?

OP here. I'm located in Chantilly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

We found a lot of support through the boards at http://www.fertilethoughts.org. There is a low-volume section for secondary IF http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/secondary-infertility/, but we found the audience there to be very helpful and supportive. If you start a thread, you might also find some good support there. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

Would it help you to make friends with families who have chosen to have only children so that you can see it's not awful for the child? Is that part of your concern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess it would be nice if there were more secondary infertility support groups (I only know of one that is too far for me). I'm surprised there aren't more. Interestingly, from my own friends/social network, I know tons of women who went through primary but no women going through secondary.

Most of the women who went through primary got pregnant easily after with their second. I'm the opposite, got pregnant easily with our first, started TTC when #1 was 12 months, and still no pregnancy after 2 years. Unfortunately it looks like pregnancy with my own eggs is just not going to happen (I still cannot wrap my mind around how I developed premature ovarian failure after getting pregnant on the second try with my child and starting TTC when #1 turned a year old). It makes no sense to me that I could be super fertile just a year and a half before I learned I had premature ovarian failure, but I understand that it can happen).

I really need a support group. I have a therapist, but I think having a support group would be very helpful.

Would it help you to make friends with families who have chosen to have only children so that you can see it's not awful for the child? Is that part of your concern?

OP here. I'm an only child and it was awful for me (even more awful as an adult), so I have firsthand experience and this is a big part of why it's so hard for me to accept and come to terms with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. We are also suffering from secondary infertility and I agree that it would be helpful to find groups who specialize in this.

We are a same sex couple who also struggled with primary infertility. Back then, I remember reading the book Inconceivable and feeling pretty pissed off as I did. I felt similarly to many of the PP's on this thread. I thought, how dare she feel like this when she already has one child.

Then, after our son was born, we paid $25,000 to do shared risk at shady grove. DW got pregnant on the first try - it was like a dream. We lost that baby at 17 weeks due to T21. Then we had several failed cycles. Then two more miscarriages this year.

I don't disagree that primary is brutal - it is. We lived it. But I also think what we have been through is its own hell. And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy. So many online groups we have been a part of have brought us the experience of watching people come and go with BFPs and successful pregnancies while we watch our son get older and while we mark the months and years thinking of how old our other children would have been. We bought a huge new house a few months ago right as DW got her most recent BFP - then had to move in right after her miscarriage with all of our sons old baby clothes and her maternity clothes staring us in the face - as if they were mocking us.

The point of this long response is to say I empathize - and you have every right to grieve the loss of what you wanted your family to be. We haven't given up - hopefully you won't either.

If you showed up at ANY support group saying "And we can't just try at home and end up with an oops pregnancy" I hope they asked you nicely to leave.

We have never attended an in person support group other than for pregnancy loss. From the tone of some of these responses it makes me glad that we haven't. What I said about not trying at home is a fact. And you can't pretend it doesn't happen for some couples. Even on this forum, there are couples who need fertility intervention for child 1 then get pregnant with a second on their own.

I wouldn't wish the pain we have experienced on anyone, and I completely acknowledge that primary infertility is brutal and not anything like secondary. As I said, we also dealt with it for years in addition to the numerous obstacles lesbian couples face when using a fertility clinic. Things like paying close to $1000 to sit with a social worker who questioned every aspect of our choice (which, by the way, is standard at every clinic we have ever worked with).

Why would you zero in on that particular part of my post when I was merely trying to empathize with OP?

But it's really unkind to assume that other people don't also face extreme hardship getting pregnant. It's extraordinarily unsympathetic, and any time you get into the "my pain is worse than your pain" game in a support network, it is unhelpful to all involved. Being a same-sex couple isn't why people got irritated here. You shouldn't be at a support group if you can't empathize with others -- no matter why they're there. Especially if you think your suffering is morally superior to theirs.