My sister sucks the air out of the room

[Anonymous]

My sister is a major air sucker. She “reads a lot” therefore she knows EVERYTHING, no matter the subject. She is a major conspiracy theorist—everyone is a pedophile, all doctors work together to screw us, all attorneys are evil. It is absolutely exhausting to have a conversation with her because she knows everything. The stuff she reads is just regurgitated crap from people who think just like her, hardly any critical thinking going on there. She is divorced and alone and is lucky enough to travel a bit so she takes over the conversation during family events, commenting on everything and relating it back to her trips and meals overseas. “This ham is good but the best ham I’ve ever had is in Paris…”. My eyes are going to get stuck from rolling them so often…

[Anonymous]

OP, does your sister have alcohol issues? She may be manic when she drinks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your sister have alcohol issues? She may be manic when she drinks?

Is this a thing?? I have a friend who I can’t quite figure out what is going on with….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your sister have alcohol issues? She may be manic when she drinks?

Is this a thing?? I have a friend who I can’t quite figure out what is going on with….

Absolutely, Not sure of the technical term, but there are people who rely on alcohol, more than most, for social situations. Think the 60 year old who "looks forward to" events at which there will be alcohol, or behaves differently when they are at those events - get louder and more ring leader like. 20-somethings don't know better, but older people should, unless they have an alcohol problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Washington Post just had an article about people who talk too much: https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/10/19/overtalking-adhd-autism-anxiety-bipolar-disorder/.

Based on peoples' responses here, I thought it was appropriate to share. Maybe this will help everyone have empathy for those of us who talk too much.

Thanks, pp, but the link just brought me to the WaPo front page. Searching on their site didn’t find it either. Any chance you could repost the link, or give us the article title so we can search it up ourselves? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

You get one point for asking permission to share before diving in.

You lose 500 points for length alone. You could have made a few succinct points. Instead, you…sucked the air out of the room.

[Anonymous]

NP. I wonder if it’s worth distinguishing two types of “sucks the air out of the room” people. I see both types in this thread. The causes might be different.

1. Talk constantly about themselves. I know two women who fall into this category, one a childhood neighbor and one a neighbor/friend of 20 years. Both will talk your ear off for an hour, usually about their complicated work or other problems, until they ask a basic question about you. When they meet you, they sort of heave a sigh of relief and jump right into the latest complicated work or other issues, complete with a whole cast of characters you’ve never met and can’t keep straight, and these are never uplifting or fun stories. As my sister once said about a visit with one of them, “she had a lot to say, and she said it all.” Neither has many or any other friends, and you can sort of understand why. The reasons? I know for sure one is on Prozac, and I’ve heard that can make people talk a lot. But also, insecurity, depression, and that not having other friends thing.

2. I’m the life of the party whether you want me to be or not. My sister falls into this category. She will go on about how cool her nyc friends are and how wonderful her husband is. She frequently tells me I’m jealous of her. (Hardly: she’s isolated in the countryside, her “cool” friends are mostly alcoholics and I’m not making that up, her husband seems checked out, and I’d take my kids and life over hers in a heartbeat). Honestly, I think this is also insecurity and loneliness. She’s trying to win over my kids by being the cool aunt, and trying to win my friends.

So both stem from insecurity and loneliness. What’s the difference? One is needing a friend to confide in, and the other is trying to win friends by being the life of the party. Both are misguided because they drive people away, but the second seems particularly misguided to me.

Obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think about this while these people in my life do their things…. I guess I don’t mind hearing out the first group, in limited doses. But the life-of-the-party types seem especially transparent and annoying to me.

YMMV! Advice welcome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I wonder if it’s worth distinguishing two types of “sucks the air out of the room” people. I see both types in this thread. The causes might be different.

1. Talk constantly about themselves. I know two women who fall into this category, one a childhood neighbor and one a neighbor/friend of 20 years. Both will talk your ear off for an hour, usually about their complicated work or other problems, until they ask a basic question about you. When they meet you, they sort of heave a sigh of relief and jump right into the latest complicated work or other issues, complete with a whole cast of characters you’ve never met and can’t keep straight, and these are never uplifting or fun stories. As my sister once said about a visit with one of them, “she had a lot to say, and she said it all.” Neither has many or any other friends, and you can sort of understand why. The reasons? I know for sure one is on Prozac, and I’ve heard that can make people talk a lot. But also, insecurity, depression, and that not having other friends thing.

2. I’m the life of the party whether you want me to be or not. My sister falls into this category. She will go on about how cool her nyc friends are and how wonderful her husband is. She frequently tells me I’m jealous of her. (Hardly: she’s isolated in the countryside, her “cool” friends are mostly alcoholics and I’m not making that up, her husband seems checked out, and I’d take my kids and life over hers in a heartbeat). Honestly, I think this is also insecurity and loneliness. She’s trying to win over my kids by being the cool aunt, and trying to win my friends.

So both stem from insecurity and loneliness. What’s the difference? One is needing a friend to confide in, and the other is trying to win friends by being the life of the party. Both are misguided because they drive people away, but the second seems particularly misguided to me.

Obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think about this while these people in my life do their things…. I guess I don’t mind hearing out the first group, in limited doses. But the life-of-the-party types seem especially transparent and annoying to me.

YMMV! Advice welcome!

Another lengthy air-sucker with faux-humility. “YMMV! Advice welcome!” Please.

[Anonymous]

I have a MIL like this, OP
I used to think she is fun, but then I realized it’s all about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I wonder if it’s worth distinguishing two types of “sucks the air out of the room” people. I see both types in this thread. The causes might be different.

1. Talk constantly about themselves. I know two women who fall into this category, one a childhood neighbor and one a neighbor/friend of 20 years. Both will talk your ear off for an hour, usually about their complicated work or other problems, until they ask a basic question about you. When they meet you, they sort of heave a sigh of relief and jump right into the latest complicated work or other issues, complete with a whole cast of characters you’ve never met and can’t keep straight, and these are never uplifting or fun stories. As my sister once said about a visit with one of them, “she had a lot to say, and she said it all.” Neither has many or any other friends, and you can sort of understand why. The reasons? I know for sure one is on Prozac, and I’ve heard that can make people talk a lot. But also, insecurity, depression, and that not having other friends thing.

2. I’m the life of the party whether you want me to be or not. My sister falls into this category. She will go on about how cool her nyc friends are and how wonderful her husband is. She frequently tells me I’m jealous of her. (Hardly: she’s isolated in the countryside, her “cool” friends are mostly alcoholics and I’m not making that up, her husband seems checked out, and I’d take my kids and life over hers in a heartbeat). Honestly, I think this is also insecurity and loneliness. She’s trying to win over my kids by being the cool aunt, and trying to win my friends.

So both stem from insecurity and loneliness. What’s the difference? One is needing a friend to confide in, and the other is trying to win friends by being the life of the party. Both are misguided because they drive people away, but the second seems particularly misguided to me.

Obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think about this while these people in my life do their things…. I guess I don’t mind hearing out the first group, in limited doses. But the life-of-the-party types seem especially transparent and annoying to me.

YMMV! Advice welcome!

Another lengthy air-sucker with faux-humility. “YMMV! Advice welcome!” Please.

Actually I’m usually the quiet one on the room. Which gives me a lot of time to develop these thoughts.

You have issues of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister sucks the air out of the room, too. She has a hard time with her life, because such high expectations were set for her. Ironically, the rest of us did quite well because of her being favored. All the pressure and attention was on her; and I and the other siblings became very self sufficient - almost overly so, if that is possible. I would NOT want to be her. She has had to resort to compulsive lying (self promotion) as a way of life, as if she is perpetually making excuses for herself. The rest of us have our own accomplishments and merits, and she constantly compares herself, instead of bettering herself. She ends up wallowing in self pity and martyrdom. It is a train wreck.

Let that be a lesson to you parents- favoritism:enabling:bad news!

This part is definitely true. Every person I know who has had this odd personality trait has been enabled and/or favorited, throughout their life. They seriously lack self awareness, and tend to be somewhat "helpless" (or behave as if they are). SIL used to always bring herself up, no matter the situation/event discussion, so I started communicating (only to her) that way. Not sure if she got the hint, or if someone told her to stop, but she has been not doing it quite so much, thankfully. She does tend to pick on people, single them out, or have bullying tendencies, toward one person. It is really quite odd. Being the center act is definitely her preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one should have to make themselves smaller to make others more comfortable. The problem is yours, not your sister's. If you think she's too much, go find less. You think she's too big, maybe she thinks you're not enough. Dealing with someone like that is like pushing a rope. Go find less.

NP and i agree with this (to a reasonable extent). My whole life, i've always gravitated towards friends with huge personalities, whom others describe as sucking up the room. I also have a pretty big personality. I love having someone effectively keep up with me. Others find it exhausting. I'm typically not a fan of quiet people or people who don't bring enough energy. Just different strokes for different folks.

Lol usually big personality comes from nothing within. Shallow screams the most.

[Anonymous]

Empty vessels make the most noise.

[Anonymous]

I cannot stand people like this. I run and do not engage.

My exh was like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i was very close to my brother (he's 4 years older) growing up, and looked up to him like anything. We traveled together, lived together, he helped me with my work, introduced me to music, food, technology, all cool things. Then in his 20s his life stalled. his business went kaput -- then another business-- his engagement fell through, etc. Through this time I was becoming independent through my own struggles. we grew apart. He grew increasingly dependent on my parents financially, and he seemed socially isolated. Flash forward several years. I have 2 children and a career, and he has neither. He lives with my parents and is taking care of them in old age. I believe he is manic, or possibly manic depressive, or suffers some other mental illness. We argue about that. He does suck up all the air in the room. He has always been different, but it used to be in a funny, cool way, now it is very annoying and can even be upsetting. But for my mother's sake (she is dying), I need to set aside my differences with my brother and make peace. I have been mean to him because I thought being direct and blunt would be a way to make him get the help he needs. But it hasn't worked. Luckily our parents will leave him some money to live on. I still love my brother deeply though, and recognize that he has been struggling with a condition I cant understand and he doesn't have the self awareness, but he does love me and it hurts him when I am mean to him.

be nice to your sister.

Be nice to your brother. Have some sympathy. It's like people who are overweight. Has criticism ever helped anyone lose weight. No, it just makes them more miserable.