My sister sucks the air out of the room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister sucks the air out of the room, too. She has a hard time with her life, because such high expectations were set for her. Ironically, the rest of us did quite well because of her being favored. All the pressure and attention was on her; and I and the other siblings became very self sufficient - almost overly so, if that is possible. I would NOT want to be her. She has had to resort to compulsive lying (self promotion) as a way of life, as if she is perpetually making excuses for herself. The rest of us have our own accomplishments and merits, and she constantly compares herself, instead of bettering herself. She ends up wallowing in self pity and martyrdom. It is a train wreck.

Let that be a lesson to you parents- favoritism:enabling:bad news!

This part is definitely true. Every person I know who has had this odd personality trait has been enabled and/or favorited, throughout their life. They seriously lack self awareness, and tend to be somewhat "helpless" (or behave as if they are). SIL used to always bring herself up, no matter the situation/event discussion, so I started communicating (only to her) that way. Not sure if she got the hint, or if someone told her to stop, but she has been not doing it quite so much, thankfully. She does tend to pick on people, single them out, or have bullying tendencies, toward one person. It is really quite odd. Being the center act is definitely her preference.

The two big personalities in my life were definitely NOT their parents’ favorites. It’s almost like they’re compensating by seeking attention from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

OP, I'd accept that this is who she is and take her in limited doses. It must feel crazy for her to be her. Possibly she's manic, or a narcissist, or overcompensating for self-esteem issues, or she's a people pleaser, or she's uncomfortable with silences and has to fill them. Who knows. If you are close enough, and she admits/agrees that she does this and needs help (ie, if this topic has been previously well-travelled in the past by you or your sibs and it's accepted all around as fact, even by sister) then maybe you could establish a gentle codeword or look you can give her to rein it in when she's dominating the social situation.

If she's not aware/not self-reflective enough to realize sucks the air out, like the PP, then I suggest you merely enjoy her "charm" in limited doses.

OP dis ask her to share, so your eye rolling is misplaced. I don't have a dog in this fight, but she did offer a different side to the story.

+1. I'm not OP or pp either, but sucking the air out of the room can also take the form of shutting others down to focus on your own things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a friend (female) like this. I dread her coming over. She is so bossy, talks all the time, thinks she knows everything. I am an expert in my field, but she will go on and on about things in my field, things that I know are wrong. I find it impossible to interrupt her, even when she is speaking about my field of expertise, to inject some actual knowledge. She is very loud. Sometimes she wants to take me shopping, and she insists of picking everything I buy (she has little money) and will take things I have chosen out of my basket and put it back on the shelf. She is, however, quite charming when you first meet her. She is a professional musician, very articulate, and projects self confidence. But, honestly, I just can not bear her up close.

Have you tried telling your husband? My DH has a few friends like this one, they are also musicians, and they are unbearable. I do not hang out with them at all and I am weary when he takes our children with him. These people do not have kids and yet proceed to lecture him on child rearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I wonder if it’s worth distinguishing two types of “sucks the air out of the room” people. I see both types in this thread. The causes might be different.

1. Talk constantly about themselves. I know two women who fall into this category, one a childhood neighbor and one a neighbor/friend of 20 years. Both will talk your ear off for an hour, usually about their complicated work or other problems, until they ask a basic question about you. When they meet you, they sort of heave a sigh of relief and jump right into the latest complicated work or other issues, complete with a whole cast of characters you’ve never met and can’t keep straight, and these are never uplifting or fun stories. As my sister once said about a visit with one of them, “she had a lot to say, and she said it all.” Neither has many or any other friends, and you can sort of understand why. The reasons? I know for sure one is on Prozac, and I’ve heard that can make people talk a lot. But also, insecurity, depression, and that not having other friends thing.

2. I’m the life of the party whether you want me to be or not. My sister falls into this category. She will go on about how cool her nyc friends are and how wonderful her husband is. She frequently tells me I’m jealous of her. (Hardly: she’s isolated in the countryside, her “cool” friends are mostly alcoholics and I’m not making that up, her husband seems checked out, and I’d take my kids and life over hers in a heartbeat). Honestly, I think this is also insecurity and loneliness. She’s trying to win over my kids by being the cool aunt, and trying to win my friends.

So both stem from insecurity and loneliness. What’s the difference? One is needing a friend to confide in, and the other is trying to win friends by being the life of the party. Both are misguided because they drive people away, but the second seems particularly misguided to me.

Obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think about this while these people in my life do their things…. I guess I don’t mind hearing out the first group, in limited doses. But the life-of-the-party types seem especially transparent and annoying to me.

YMMV! Advice welcome!

Another lengthy air-sucker with faux-humility. “YMMV! Advice welcome!” Please.

Actually I’m usually the quiet one on the room. Which gives me a lot of time to develop these thoughts.

You have issues of your own.

NP. I’m an introvert and a writer. No, great tracts of text do not prove what a deep thinker you are. They prove you are judgmental and suck the air out of the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is soooooo old! I usually don’t post on these zombie threads, but I have to on this one.

My SIL is this person. You can literally feel it when she walks into the house. Her entrance is always dramatic. “You won’t believe what happened!” Announced to a full room.

At every funeral I’ve seen her at, she is hysterically crying, even if she barely knew the person, so that everyone feels the need to comfort her. Even people who were much closer to the deceased.

This is my nephew exactly, lol. You'd think he was the only bereaved family member in the room with his loud sobbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I wonder if it’s worth distinguishing two types of “sucks the air out of the room” people. I see both types in this thread. The causes might be different.

1. Talk constantly about themselves. I know two women who fall into this category, one a childhood neighbor and one a neighbor/friend of 20 years. Both will talk your ear off for an hour, usually about their complicated work or other problems, until they ask a basic question about you. When they meet you, they sort of heave a sigh of relief and jump right into the latest complicated work or other issues, complete with a whole cast of characters you’ve never met and can’t keep straight, and these are never uplifting or fun stories. As my sister once said about a visit with one of them, “she had a lot to say, and she said it all.” Neither has many or any other friends, and you can sort of understand why. The reasons? I know for sure one is on Prozac, and I’ve heard that can make people talk a lot. But also, insecurity, depression, and that not having other friends thing.

2. I’m the life of the party whether you want me to be or not. My sister falls into this category. She will go on about how cool her nyc friends are and how wonderful her husband is. She frequently tells me I’m jealous of her. (Hardly: she’s isolated in the countryside, her “cool” friends are mostly alcoholics and I’m not making that up, her husband seems checked out, and I’d take my kids and life over hers in a heartbeat). Honestly, I think this is also insecurity and loneliness. She’s trying to win over my kids by being the cool aunt, and trying to win my friends.

So both stem from insecurity and loneliness. What’s the difference? One is needing a friend to confide in, and the other is trying to win friends by being the life of the party. Both are misguided because they drive people away, but the second seems particularly misguided to me.

Obviously I’ve had a lot of time to think about this while these people in my life do their things…. I guess I don’t mind hearing out the first group, in limited doses. But the life-of-the-party types seem especially transparent and annoying to me.

YMMV! Advice welcome!

Another lengthy air-sucker with faux-humility. “YMMV! Advice welcome!” Please.

Actually I’m usually the quiet one on the room. Which gives me a lot of time to develop these thoughts.

You have issues of your own.

NP. I’m an introvert and a writer. No, great tracts of text do not prove what a deep thinker you are. They prove you are judgmental and suck the air out of the room.

And you’re a bully

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is a major air sucker. She “reads a lot” therefore she knows EVERYTHING, no matter the subject. She is a major conspiracy theorist—everyone is a pedophile, all doctors work together to screw us, all attorneys are evil. It is absolutely exhausting to have a conversation with her because she knows everything. The stuff she reads is just regurgitated crap from people who think just like her, hardly any critical thinking going on there. She is divorced and alone and is lucky enough to travel a bit so she takes over the conversation during family events, commenting on everything and relating it back to her trips and meals overseas. “This ham is good but the best ham I’ve ever had is in Paris…”. My eyes are going to get stuck from rolling them so often…

Lol! Sounds like my sister.

[Anonymous]

You just have to limit your time around air suckers.

Don't avoid your sister but know your own limits. Don't plan back to back meet ups.

I have a family member like this too (who is local unfortunately). Ideally, I see her once every other month but I will tolerate up to once a month. Any more than that and I regret it.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is shorten your visits and limit your interactions. There’s no other way around it, you aren’t going to change her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

She asked first to give her input, and OP agreed. She didn’t need to ask in the first place, but I appreciate that she did. Some individuals tend to find flaws in everything. Massive “Eyeroll”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to limit your time around air suckers.

Don't avoid your sister but know your own limits. Don't plan back to back meet ups.

I have a family member like this too (who is local unfortunately). Ideally, I see her once every other month but I will tolerate up to once a month. Any more than that and I regret it.

Exactly the right approach. Let other family and friends provide her the with attention and affirmation she craves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

OP, I'd accept that this is who she is and take her in limited doses. It must feel crazy for her to be her. Possibly she's manic, or a narcissist, or overcompensating for self-esteem issues, or she's a people pleaser, or she's uncomfortable with silences and has to fill them. Who knows. If you are close enough, and she admits/agrees that she does this and needs help (ie, if this topic has been previously well-travelled in the past by you or your sibs and it's accepted all around as fact, even by sister) then maybe you could establish a gentle codeword or look you can give her to rein it in when she's dominating the social situation.

If she's not aware/not self-reflective enough to realize sucks the air out, like the PP, then I suggest you merely enjoy her "charm" in limited doses.

This person shared her experience at the request of the OP. Did you miss that?