My FIL is a child abuser and a wife beater. I don't know how to process that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

We've only been married 19 months it won't be 2 years until August I think we're doing ok relationship wise. Our first child is due in weeks so there's no putting that off until he goes to therapy.

OP, I am struggling to understand how nothing about his childhood has come up until now? While you were dating, engaged, etc you two never talked about how your childhood was or how his was? I can't imagine getting married to someone and not knowing any background or insight into their childhood. How long did you guys date before getting married? Or possibly you did talk about these things, but he never was open about the struggles. My fear as other pp have mentioned is that as time goes on, these things are going to start to come out in several different ways, many of which could potentially be negative. I would suggest that the two of you have further discussions on the subject and consider therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

[Anonymous]

pp above and it should be **Now they both are like new people, primarily because I CHOSE TO FORGIVE THEM AFTER COLLEGE and they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

Your parents still sound awful. Their love for you shouldn't depend on you being a good girl who makes choices that they approve of. Adults love other adults for who they are, not for who they marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

Your parents still sound awful. Their love for you shouldn't depend on you being a good girl who makes choices that they approve of. Adults love other adults for who they are, not for who they marry.

I didn't read it that way at all. It sounds to me like her parents are proud of her for overcoming a rough start, making better choices than them, getting healthy and thus, having a healthy marriage and attitude in life. Do you always chose to see things in a negative light?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just told me that the scar on his cheek is from his father. As in my FIL hit him with a bottle when he was drunk. I knew my FIL had a drinking problem when my husband was younger and a nasty temper, but I never knew he had been violent with his children or his wife.
My husband had always told me the scar was from a bottle and it was a long story, and I assumed it was from his partying college days and he was embarrassed about it. I never pushed it.
My husband says it's behind him, and he's forgiven his dad, and his dad is a completely different person now than what he was then. He doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't understand my anger over this. I'm not angry at my husband I am empathetic to why he took time to reveal the truth.
I feel sick knowing this and sad. I don't know what I should do or if I should do anything.

Do nothing except protect your own children. alcoholism is a disease. has your DH been to an ACOA or regular Al-Anon meeting? it's a wonderful program for children of alcoholics or of former ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

Agree. Is it any wonder that those of us from rough backgrounds chose not to share our experiences. All you have to do is open up any of these threads on dcum and see the judgment hurled at the victim--as if no one is capable of mental health after abuse. I had a very tough upbringing--very, very tough. I spent my 20's and early 30's doing a lot of self-help work. Entered therapy in my 30's--therapist was amazed at how emotionally healthy I am. I have periodically entered back into therapy for issues life issues not related to my childhood--once again therapist remarked at how emotionally healthy I am. However, and it is a big however, my dh has repeated attempted to scapegoat any problem we have as a result of my shitty childhood. It is too easy to blame the victim. When confronted with couples therapy, he was faced with the reality that he was the one with the unresolved issues and he was using my childhood as an excuse not to explore his own issues. OP, do not do this to your husband. He is the same man he was before he shared this information with you. He isn't now damaged and any issue you have in your marriage and raising children cannot be blamed on his childhood. The fact that you feel the need to vent on the forum, treat your FIL any differently (how does that help your spouse? He has forgiven him and apparently FIL has done the tough work to change), shows that you have problems of your own to confront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

Your parents still sound awful. Their love for you shouldn't depend on you being a good girl who makes choices that they approve of. Adults love other adults for who they are, not for who they marry.

OP I posted my story to help you think about your DH and now I'm being knocked by someone who thinks they can interpret or twist the meaning of my forgiveness and experience to their way of thinking even though they weren't there. This is exactly what you'll be doing to your DH. I CHOOSE to be a forgiving person and it has made me a better person. In fact, my siblings didn't for a very long time and I personally think they struggled more because of it, even though they were shielded by the worst of it. Being a parent has showed me that it is very hard and my parents were trying the best they could at the time. I'm not perfect and I'm a helluva a better parent then they are, and I hope that my kids will choose to forgive me in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just told me that the scar on his cheek is from his father. As in my FIL hit him with a bottle when he was drunk. I knew my FIL had a drinking problem when my husband was younger and a nasty temper, but I never knew he had been violent with his children or his wife.
My husband had always told me the scar was from a bottle and it was a long story, and I assumed it was from his partying college days and he was embarrassed about it. I never pushed it.
My husband says it's behind him, and he's forgiven his dad, and his dad is a completely different person now than what he was then. He doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't understand my anger over this. I'm not angry at my husband I am empathetic to why he took time to reveal the truth.
I feel sick knowing this and sad. I don't know what I should do or if I should do anything.

Do nothing except protect your own children. alcoholism is a disease. has your DH been to an ACOA or regular Al-Anon meeting? it's a wonderful program for children of alcoholics or of former ones.

Once again you are assuming that OP's husband is damaged goods and that he hasn't addressed his past. Good grief. Will people ever stop victimizing the victim on this board. By all accounts, OP's husband is a emotionally healthy, loving, mature man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please listen to pp's @ 13:54 and 13:58. I'm a DW whose spouse didn't know the full extent of my upbringing, upon marriage and babies, and I would have been so upset if he reacted the way you are. I get the shock of it, but this is not your issue so don't make it. Then, you make it worse and take away his power.

My dad was emotionally abusive (he said horrible, horrible things) and my mom was absent and hit me several times including once when I was 5. She hit me so hard I flew into the door jamb and hit my head. I was 9 when they divorced and her keeping a roof over our heads and buying some measly groceries was the extent of her parenting until she later married a jerk when I was a teen.

Now they both are like new people, primarily because they were so proud of me for making a great marriage, so it sounds like I'm in a place with them similar to your DH. It has shaped who I am, I'm a strong person because of it. If my DH had said he wanted me in therapy (I did of my own will later) or tried to *discuss* parenting with me because of it, I would have been incredibly pissed for not trusting or believing in me.

It was painful when my oldest turned 9 because that was basically the last year of my childhood, but DH followed my lead. He is incredibly generous with my mom, moreso than I ever would be, and for this I love him more.

Your parents still sound awful. Their love for you shouldn't depend on you being a good girl who makes choices that they approve of. Adults love other adults for who they are, not for who they marry.

OP I posted my story to help you think about your DH and now I'm being knocked by someone who thinks they can interpret or twist the meaning of my forgiveness and experience to their way of thinking even though they weren't there. This is exactly what you'll be doing to your DH. I CHOOSE to be a forgiving person and it has made me a better person. In fact, my siblings didn't for a very long time and I personally think they struggled more because of it, even though they were shielded by the worst of it. Being a parent has showed me that it is very hard and my parents were trying the best they could at the time. I'm not perfect and I'm a helluva a better parent then they are, and I hope that my kids will choose to forgive me in the future.

Bravo! My story is very similar to yours. I, too have chosen to forgive and not spend my life as an angry victim. Consequently, I have a happy life, good marriage, satisfying career and well-adjusted and happy children. My siblings who have chosen to hold onto anger, resentment and make our childhood an excuse for every bad decision they make have pretty miserable existences. OP, let it go. Your husband sounds like a happy, well-adjusted man. He should be applauded for his strength, compassion and maturity--not judged and analyzed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pregnant so of course this is a hyper-emotional time. And you guys already have a lot on your plate just to deal with the new baby.

This is just a long-term issue that you need to be aware of. Don't let this overshadow the joy of the arrival of the new baby. But as you move forward with your DH, remember any conflicts or problems in the here-and-now may well be related to what happened decades ago. It is a GOOD thing to know that because it will help you deal with them. It is a GOOD thing your spouse told you this. You should feel hopeful and happy about the future.

You should encourage your DH to get therapy, though, because truly this history is going to make things harder for him than most people. For example--it is not uncommon for even the best parents to get so frustrated and unhappy with their kids' that they want to smack them. This can be a troubling feeling for parents with no history of abuse. Now imagine how much more troubling it will be for your DH, to experience himself wanting to hit his kid?

This is why he should really seek out counseling to help him become self-aware and more sensitive to his own needs, to take care of himself to become a better parent and husband. So many people who suffered abuse learned denial. Denial that it happened: "It wasn't that bad." Denial that it had any effect on them: "It's in the past, it doesn't matter now." Denial of responsibility: "It was the alcohol, not him, he's not to blame." Etc etc. Your DH probably needs to learn new skills that he did not learn as a kid and therapy is great for that. Going to therapy is a sign of strength -- I am man enough and ready enough to deal with my stuff head on -- not a sign of weakness.

I think that's where he is with this. He was so adamant that it was all behind them now and his dad's a better and different person because he's stopped drinking. I didn't try to argue with him on that. I don't know if he'd got o therapy or not

Who are you are any other poster to say that he hasn't dealt with the abuse simply because he has moved on and isn't responding with unbridled hatred and anger. There are people in the world who are capable of change, capable of forgiveness, capable of moving beyond awful childhoods, capable of putting the past in its place. We are not all perpetual victims.

Who am I? I am his wife and I know when he's not a 100% comfortable with something. Where did I say he has to react a certain way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pregnant so of course this is a hyper-emotional time. And you guys already have a lot on your plate just to deal with the new baby.

This is just a long-term issue that you need to be aware of. Don't let this overshadow the joy of the arrival of the new baby. But as you move forward with your DH, remember any conflicts or problems in the here-and-now may well be related to what happened decades ago. It is a GOOD thing to know that because it will help you deal with them. It is a GOOD thing your spouse told you this. You should feel hopeful and happy about the future.

You should encourage your DH to get therapy, though, because truly this history is going to make things harder for him than most people. For example--it is not uncommon for even the best parents to get so frustrated and unhappy with their kids' that they want to smack them. This can be a troubling feeling for parents with no history of abuse. Now imagine how much more troubling it will be for your DH, to experience himself wanting to hit his kid?

This is why he should really seek out counseling to help him become self-aware and more sensitive to his own needs, to take care of himself to become a better parent and husband. So many people who suffered abuse learned denial. Denial that it happened: "It wasn't that bad." Denial that it had any effect on them: "It's in the past, it doesn't matter now." Denial of responsibility: "It was the alcohol, not him, he's not to blame." Etc etc. Your DH probably needs to learn new skills that he did not learn as a kid and therapy is great for that. Going to therapy is a sign of strength -- I am man enough and ready enough to deal with my stuff head on -- not a sign of weakness.

I think that's where he is with this. He was so adamant that it was all behind them now and his dad's a better and different person because he's stopped drinking. I didn't try to argue with him on that. I don't know if he'd got o therapy or not

Who are you are any other poster to say that he hasn't dealt with the abuse simply because he has moved on and isn't responding with unbridled hatred and anger. There are people in the world who are capable of change, capable of forgiveness, capable of moving beyond awful childhoods, capable of putting the past in its place. We are not all perpetual victims.

Who am I? I am his wife and I know when he's not a 100% comfortable with something. Where did I say he has to react a certain way?

Perhaps you should listen to what he says instead of assuming you know what he isn't saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

We've only been married 19 months it won't be 2 years until August I think we're doing ok relationship wise. Our first child is due in weeks so there's no putting that off until he goes to therapy.

OP, I am struggling to understand how nothing about his childhood has come up until now? While you were dating, engaged, etc you two never talked about how your childhood was or how his was? I can't imagine getting married to someone and not knowing any background or insight into their childhood. How long did you guys date before getting married? Or possibly you did talk about these things, but he never was open about the struggles. My fear as other pp have mentioned is that as time goes on, these things are going to start to come out in several different ways, many of which could potentially be negative. I would suggest that the two of you have further discussions on the subject and consider therapy.

I knew that his father drank and had a bad temper I didn't know that meant he beat his wife and children. It never occurred to me to ask that. All I ever heard about was the goodd times, with rare mentions of the bad temper, but how he had mellowed out.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks to everyone who provided advice and allowed me to vent. It's really been helpful.

Unfortunately I'm too tired and too pregnant to play tit for tat with a person who wants to accuse me of being selfish and other things for being upset that my husband was being abused, and being upset at the abuser.

I never meant for this to be a debate about how people should cope with childhood abuse or shaming people for attending therapy, but that's what it has become.

I'm sorry. I won't be replying anymore, and I think I might ask Jeff to lock it.

[Anonymous]

This is a prime example of why those who are abused need to think long and hard about sharing that information with anyone but their therapist or support group. Too many people want to play amateur psychologist, make assumptions that may not be based in reality, try to blow up relationships that the parties have worked hard to repair, and view the victim as damaged goods.