My FIL is a child abuser and a wife beater. I don't know how to process that.

[Anonymous]

This isn't your trauma. Your post is misleading. Your DH had a difficult childhood but it's behind him. People can be redeemed and your FIL has redeemed himself. He isn't a "wife beater" and "child abuser." You really need to think about how you want to treat other people and how you want other people to consider your past. Or perhaps you are perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your trauma. Your post is misleading. Your DH had a difficult childhood but it's behind him. People can be redeemed and your FIL has redeemed himself. He isn't a "wife beater" and "child abuser." You really need to think about how you want to treat other people and how you want other people to consider your past. Or perhaps you are perfect?

PP, you are so wrong on so many levels. yes, this man is an alcoholic and an abuser. he happens to be working hard every day to remain sober and not be abusive. that can all change in a flash if he decides to drink again. which OP must think about once she has children and he is around his grandchildren.

OP, take the time you need to process this information. of course you care, of course you are blindsided, of course this is gut wrenching to find out this is how your DH grew up. it is horrifying.

i will join the PPs and caution you about what may come up for your DH once you have children. for MOST of us, the negative parts of our childhood (for me, my father was extremely emotionally abusive and my mother was a doormat) come rushing back to us in an unexpected way, and there is a lot of reconciling to be done while you are caring for your new child. it can take years to process. it is not a choice that this happens, it just does (for a lot of us). we all love to "plan" what kind of parents we will be but honestly, we are all perfect parents BEFORE we have kids. the reality of being a parent is much, much harder than anyone can ever expect, and nobody can prepare you for it. just go into parenthood with open eyes for yourself and especially your DH and never, ever be afraid of going to therapy or group meetings for family members of alcoholics. good luck.

[Anonymous]

I did not say he was not an alcoholic. Go back and read my post.

[Anonymous]

I decided I didn't have to have a relationship with FIL. He's not allowed in our home and I haven't seen him in over 5 years. I don't care that he's mellowed out.

He's still a horrible monster of a person. Manipulative, controlling and crazy gas lighting. DH visits with the children once a year for a long weekend.

DH went to individual counseling to deal with the horror of his childhood. He harbors a lot of guilt over not protecting his
mom. A lot of repressed memories bubbled up after our 2nd was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I decided I didn't have to have a relationship with FIL. He's not allowed in our home and I haven't seen him in over 5 years. I don't care that he's mellowed out.

He's still a horrible monster of a person. Manipulative, controlling and crazy gas lighting. DH visits with the children once a year for a long weekend.

DH went to individual counseling to deal with the horror of his childhood. He harbors a lot of guilt over not protecting his
mom. A lot of repressed memories bubbled up after our 2nd was born.

Is this OP?

[Anonymous]

^^ not OP. Sorry to confuse.

[Anonymous]

Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I decided I didn't have to have a relationship with FIL. He's not allowed in our home and I haven't seen him in over 5 years. I don't care that he's mellowed out.

He's still a horrible monster of a person. Manipulative, controlling and crazy gas lighting. DH visits with the children once a year for a long weekend.

DH went to individual counseling to deal with the horror of his childhood. He harbors a lot of guilt over not protecting his
mom. A lot of repressed memories bubbled up after our 2nd was born.

Is this OP?

No. I'm OP

It sounds like our husbands had similar childhoods. I really don't know how this is going to go, Our baby is due in a matter of weeks. I was so excited to have my in-laws meet our baby as their first grandchild. Now thinking of fil holding my baby is sickening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your trauma. Your post is misleading. Your DH had a difficult childhood but it's behind him. People can be redeemed and your FIL has redeemed himself. He isn't a "wife beater" and "child abuser." You really need to think about how you want to treat other people and how you want other people to consider your past. Or perhaps you are perfect?

You can fuck off I really don't care that it was the alcohol that made him do it. He beat them . I'm not sure what else you call someone who punched his wife in the face and who smashed a bottle in his 11 year old son's face. 11 that's a child. You'll have to excuse me for not being perfect enough to avoid being pissed off that my husband's dad beat the crap out of him.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced person with a history of childhood trauma, I agree with pps who say your husband may need professional support and that childhood trauma can be a big problem in marriage. Part of the reason I was attracted to my ex-wife was because she was so normal, marrying her was going to help me just walk away from my past. And she didn't really understand what was up with me. A bunch of years in when I shut down emotionally and was really stressed (angry, but irritable angry not yelling, and certainly not hitting), she internalized that and thought I didn't love her and had become a jerk. I really wished she had pushed me hard to see professional help. My childhood taught me that when things get hard, you turn inward, rely on yourself, and just grind through it and try to survive. That worked for me as a kid and teen, but it made my spouse feel terribly lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced person with a history of childhood trauma, I agree with pps who say your husband may need professional support and that childhood trauma can be a big problem in marriage. Part of the reason I was attracted to my ex-wife was because she was so normal, marrying her was going to help me just walk away from my past. And she didn't really understand what was up with me. A bunch of years in when I shut down emotionally and was really stressed (angry, but irritable angry not yelling, and certainly not hitting), she internalized that and thought I didn't love her and had become a jerk. I really wished she had pushed me hard to see professional help. My childhood taught me that when things get hard, you turn inward, rely on yourself, and just grind through it and try to survive. That worked for me as a kid and teen, but it made my spouse feel terribly lonely.

Turning inward is a survival strategy. I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up in your household. You did not deserve what was done to you. It was wrong, extremely wrong. You are a good person and deserve to be loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your trauma. Your post is misleading. Your DH had a difficult childhood but it's behind him. People can be redeemed and your FIL has redeemed himself. He isn't a "wife beater" and "child abuser." You really need to think about how you want to treat other people and how you want other people to consider your past. Or perhaps you are perfect?

You can fuck off I really don't care that it was the alcohol that made him do it. He beat them . I'm not sure what else you call someone who punched his wife in the face and who smashed a bottle in his 11 year old son's face. 11 that's a child. You'll have to excuse me for not being perfect enough to avoid being pissed off that my husband's dad beat the crap out of him.

Of course you can be pissed off. But try to avoid making this about you. And try to avoid permanently estranging yourself and your husband from his father. This isn't happening in real time, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't drink anymore and is a completely different person, that is an accomplishment. I'd give him some credit for that. (After you process what your husband told you. I would probably grieve for a while for the little boy who was abused.)

He doesn't drink. He's been sober for 10 years. Longer than I've known him. He's a mild mannered guy. I just can't fathom him being that kind of monster. I can't stand the thought of him hurting my husband even if it was a long time ago.

OP, I get this. My ILs were terrible people to my husband. Neglectful, sometimes abusive. I am pissed off for my husband's sake. I have never said a word to them. I have never done anything. It is hard to like them, though, knowing how they treated my husband. I work on just being neutral. just stay neutral towards them, and let my husband run his relationship with them as he sees fit. I am as supportive as I can be to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your trauma. Your post is misleading. Your DH had a difficult childhood but it's behind him. People can be redeemed and your FIL has redeemed himself. He isn't a "wife beater" and "child abuser." You really need to think about how you want to treat other people and how you want other people to consider your past. Or perhaps you are perfect?

You can fuck off I really don't care that it was the alcohol that made him do it. He beat them . I'm not sure what else you call someone who punched his wife in the face and who smashed a bottle in his 11 year old son's face. 11 that's a child. You'll have to excuse me for not being perfect enough to avoid being pissed off that my husband's dad beat the crap out of him.

Not PP. Your anger is righteous and right. On the other hand, it isn't happening right now. You will have to let this go, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Your anger is like the anger of someone going through therapy. It's difficult for people to be the focus of anger from old memories. Remember that you are dealing with this as if it is fresh but for everyone is this IS in the past.