My FIL is a child abuser and a wife beater. I don't know how to process that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

We've only been married 19 months it won't be 2 years until August I think we're doing ok relationship wise. Our first child is due in weeks so there's no putting that off until he goes to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced person with a history of childhood trauma, I agree with pps who say your husband may need professional support and that childhood trauma can be a big problem in marriage. Part of the reason I was attracted to my ex-wife was because she was so normal, marrying her was going to help me just walk away from my past. And she didn't really understand what was up with me. A bunch of years in when I shut down emotionally and was really stressed (angry, but irritable angry not yelling, and certainly not hitting), she internalized that and thought I didn't love her and had become a jerk. I really wished she had pushed me hard to see professional help. My childhood taught me that when things get hard, you turn inward, rely on yourself, and just grind through it and try to survive. That worked for me as a kid and teen, but it made my spouse feel terribly lonely.

OP here. I'm so sorry you went through that. I don't know how hard to push for therapy. He's only just told me and he's acting normal,so I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't drink anymore and is a completely different person, that is an accomplishment. I'd give him some credit for that. (After you process what your husband told you. I would probably grieve for a while for the little boy who was abused.)

He doesn't drink. He's been sober for 10 years. Longer than I've known him. He's a mild mannered guy. I just can't fathom him being that kind of monster. I can't stand the thought of him hurting my husband even if it was a long time ago.

OP, I get this. My ILs were terrible people to my husband. Neglectful, sometimes abusive. I am pissed off for my husband's sake. I have never said a word to them. I have never done anything. It is hard to like them, though, knowing how they treated my husband. I work on just being neutral. just stay neutral towards them, and let my husband run his relationship with them as he sees fit. I am as supportive as I can be to DH.

This is all new and I'm just trying to process it . you know? I haven't done or said anything to my fil. I just keep picturing my husband as a scared little boy and it breaks my heart. This is going to be hard for a long time.
I was just talking to him not that long ago about how we'll have 3 generations come Father's day. I just can't get my mind around it

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I don't think you acted too terribly when he told you. It would have been better if you did not call FIL a monster, but crying and making it clear that it hurt you to know that he had been so hurt is OK. I would regroup, though, and make it clear that he does not need to take care of you emotionally on this. Your DH has likely been in caretaker mode his whole life--repressing his own emotions to take care of other people--and now he has confided in you. At an appropriate moment soon (before your baby is born), just tell him that you are grateful he trusted you with this information, that you're sorry if you reacted a little badly but it's because you feel so much for him and it's all new to you (while he's known for awhile), tell him you will follow his lead but that you hope he will consider therapy and stay open minded about that because the first part of being a parent and taking care of a kid is taking care of yourself so you have the emotional bandwidth to do that. That should resonate with him. He needs to deal with his "stuff" to be a better parent.

Then read, read, read to become wise on the emotional issues that may come up. Honestly, you might benefit from a few therapy sessions yourself to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your DH undergone extensive & skilled therapy? My DH was a victim of sex abuse and things went for total hell for him emotionally after we had kids. That is very big of your DH to share that with you though. A very positive sign.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. I don't know for certain, but I don't think he has at least not intensive 1:1 type therapy he mentioned they worked things out as a family. I don;t know if that means family therapy or just between them.
I'll ask at a different time. I think him telling me about the scar was a pretty big thing for today and he probably needs an emotional break . I know I do, it's alot to process. I'm very glad he told me.

How old is he OP? It's fairly common childhood abuse can come out most intensely in the 32-35 age span. This all goes so deep OP and is awful on so many levels. I would recommend considering therapy for yourself as good self care... I needed it to help me process what he was telling me. It's a lot to take in. Abuse and its effects usually span across multiple areas of a child's life...

He's 32 , just turned 32 in January. Of course I want to and will support him in every way I can, but I'm not sure I can handle this right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

We've only been married 19 months it won't be 2 years until August I think we're doing ok relationship wise. Our first child is due in weeks so there's no putting that off until he goes to therapy.

Why would you put it off until there is a problem. Why not get ahead of the problems now? Go to therapy and deal with the issues now.

[Anonymous]

You are pregnant so of course this is a hyper-emotional time. And you guys already have a lot on your plate just to deal with the new baby.

This is just a long-term issue that you need to be aware of. Don't let this overshadow the joy of the arrival of the new baby. But as you move forward with your DH, remember any conflicts or problems in the here-and-now may well be related to what happened decades ago. It is a GOOD thing to know that because it will help you deal with them. It is a GOOD thing your spouse told you this. You should feel hopeful and happy about the future.

You should encourage your DH to get therapy, though, because truly this history is going to make things harder for him than most people. For example--it is not uncommon for even the best parents to get so frustrated and unhappy with their kids' that they want to smack them. This can be a troubling feeling for parents with no history of abuse. Now imagine how much more troubling it will be for your DH, to experience himself wanting to hit his kid?

This is why he should really seek out counseling to help him become self-aware and more sensitive to his own needs, to take care of himself to become a better parent and husband. So many people who suffered abuse learned denial. Denial that it happened: "It wasn't that bad." Denial that it had any effect on them: "It's in the past, it doesn't matter now." Denial of responsibility: "It was the alcohol, not him, he's not to blame." Etc etc. Your DH probably needs to learn new skills that he did not learn as a kid and therapy is great for that. Going to therapy is a sign of strength -- I am man enough and ready enough to deal with my stuff head on -- not a sign of weakness.

[Anonymous]

PP again with DH who decided on individual counseling after 2nd kid. I think once we were a family of four, something clicked in his brain drawing comparisons of his childhood family of four and our family of four. Therapy was intense. When he got back home every week, he looked like he had just ran an emotional marathon. I didn't pry. It's important that he dealt with his own past on his own. The stories he did share made me so angry. It's normal to want to protect those that you love even if you can't do anything about the past.

It's also true that DH tried to brush everything aside as if it weren't so bad. You're probably only hearing a 10th of what happened. Just love him and strongly urge individual counseling after the baby stress has passed around 6 months. Hugs.

To end on a positive, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and he'd never harm a flea. For him, it was anxiety and coming to terms with his past and acceptance of his very flawed Dad whom he loves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult survivors of childhood abuse have high incident of failed marriages.

http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors/How-can-abuse-affect-me

My H was abused as a child but he thought he had put that in the past, dealt with it and/or forgiven. He thought is was man enough to just let it go.

After our 2nd child was born his anxiety was so intense it completely destroyed our relationship. We went to counseling for "marriage counseling" but there was nothing wrong with the marriage. Things got a little better but my H was just suppressing all his feelings.

A few years later he started to self destruct. I finally told him I could not live this way anymore. It took 4 months of therapy before he finally admitted he was abused as a child. Now he is in intensive therapy. It sucks for him, me the kids.

I highly suggest your H get therapy now before it completely affects you and the future stability of your children (if you have any). If you don't have children do not have any until he gets therapy.

We've only been married 19 months it won't be 2 years until August I think we're doing ok relationship wise. Our first child is due in weeks so there's no putting that off until he goes to therapy.

Why would you put it off until there is a problem. Why not get ahead of the problems now? Go to therapy and deal with the issues now.

Because PP suggested we wait to have kids until we'd been to therapy. I'm already pregnant so there's no putting that off. I agree that therapy is good, but there's nothing major happening in the moment that we have to go right now. I'm not sure how we'd fit it in with a brand new baby. If he told me tonight he wanted to go to therapy I would find away, but I don't think he's there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are pregnant so of course this is a hyper-emotional time. And you guys already have a lot on your plate just to deal with the new baby.

This is just a long-term issue that you need to be aware of. Don't let this overshadow the joy of the arrival of the new baby. But as you move forward with your DH, remember any conflicts or problems in the here-and-now may well be related to what happened decades ago. It is a GOOD thing to know that because it will help you deal with them. It is a GOOD thing your spouse told you this. You should feel hopeful and happy about the future.

You should encourage your DH to get therapy, though, because truly this history is going to make things harder for him than most people. For example--it is not uncommon for even the best parents to get so frustrated and unhappy with their kids' that they want to smack them. This can be a troubling feeling for parents with no history of abuse. Now imagine how much more troubling it will be for your DH, to experience himself wanting to hit his kid?

This is why he should really seek out counseling to help him become self-aware and more sensitive to his own needs, to take care of himself to become a better parent and husband. So many people who suffered abuse learned denial. Denial that it happened: "It wasn't that bad." Denial that it had any effect on them: "It's in the past, it doesn't matter now." Denial of responsibility: "It was the alcohol, not him, he's not to blame." Etc etc. Your DH probably needs to learn new skills that he did not learn as a kid and therapy is great for that. Going to therapy is a sign of strength -- I am man enough and ready enough to deal with my stuff head on -- not a sign of weakness.

I think that's where he is with this. He was so adamant that it was all behind them now and his dad's a better and different person because he's stopped drinking. I didn't try to argue with him on that. I don't know if he'd got o therapy or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your DH undergone extensive & skilled therapy? My DH was a victim of sex abuse and things went for total hell for him emotionally after we had kids. That is very big of your DH to share that with you though. A very positive sign.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. I don't know for certain, but I don't think he has at least not intensive 1:1 type therapy he mentioned they worked things out as a family. I don;t know if that means family therapy or just between them.
I'll ask at a different time. I think him telling me about the scar was a pretty big thing for today and he probably needs an emotional break . I know I do, it's alot to process. I'm very glad he told me.

How old is he OP? It's fairly common childhood abuse can come out most intensely in the 32-35 age span. This all goes so deep OP and is awful on so many levels. I would recommend considering therapy for yourself as good self care... I needed it to help me process what he was telling me. It's a lot to take in. Abuse and its effects usually span across multiple areas of a child's life...

He's 32 , just turned 32 in January. Of course I want to and will support him in every way I can, but I'm not sure I can handle this right now.

I think it's okay OP to leave things sit awhile. This is not an overnight process and focusing on yourself and your baby sounds wise to me. Sometimes when an abuse victim feels safe enough to start talking it can come like a flood. It's okay to tell him when you feel unavailable to listen (with love and compassion of course). Journaling worked well for my H. You sound smart and caring OP and I'm sure you will get through this all well. Just trust yourself and respect your own boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again with DH who decided on individual counseling after 2nd kid. I think once we were a family of four, something clicked in his brain drawing comparisons of his childhood family of four and our family of four. Therapy was intense. When he got back home every week, he looked like he had just ran an emotional marathon. I didn't pry. It's important that he dealt with his own past on his own. The stories he did share made me so angry. It's normal to want to protect those that you love even if you can't do anything about the past.

It's also true that DH tried to brush everything aside as if it weren't so bad. You're probably only hearing a 10th of what happened. Just love him and strongly urge individual counseling after the baby stress has passed around 6 months. Hugs.

To end on a positive, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and he'd never harm a flea. For him, it was anxiety and coming to terms with his past and acceptance of his very flawed Dad whom he loves.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Your understanding has been very helpful My husband is so kind and patient and wonderful and I just want everything to be perfect for him even though I can't do that or change his past. I'll do my best to encourage therapy and support him however I can.


Do you have any advice for how to deal with fil in the short term? We'll be seeing alot of them soon first for Easter and when baby makes his arrival. I won't attack my fil or anything like that but I know I'm going to be very emotional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pregnant so of course this is a hyper-emotional time. And you guys already have a lot on your plate just to deal with the new baby.

This is just a long-term issue that you need to be aware of. Don't let this overshadow the joy of the arrival of the new baby. But as you move forward with your DH, remember any conflicts or problems in the here-and-now may well be related to what happened decades ago. It is a GOOD thing to know that because it will help you deal with them. It is a GOOD thing your spouse told you this. You should feel hopeful and happy about the future.

You should encourage your DH to get therapy, though, because truly this history is going to make things harder for him than most people. For example--it is not uncommon for even the best parents to get so frustrated and unhappy with their kids' that they want to smack them. This can be a troubling feeling for parents with no history of abuse. Now imagine how much more troubling it will be for your DH, to experience himself wanting to hit his kid?

This is why he should really seek out counseling to help him become self-aware and more sensitive to his own needs, to take care of himself to become a better parent and husband. So many people who suffered abuse learned denial. Denial that it happened: "It wasn't that bad." Denial that it had any effect on them: "It's in the past, it doesn't matter now." Denial of responsibility: "It was the alcohol, not him, he's not to blame." Etc etc. Your DH probably needs to learn new skills that he did not learn as a kid and therapy is great for that. Going to therapy is a sign of strength -- I am man enough and ready enough to deal with my stuff head on -- not a sign of weakness.

I think that's where he is with this. He was so adamant that it was all behind them now and his dad's a better and different person because he's stopped drinking. I didn't try to argue with him on that. I don't know if he'd got o therapy or not

Who are you are any other poster to say that he hasn't dealt with the abuse simply because he has moved on and isn't responding with unbridled hatred and anger. There are people in the world who are capable of change, capable of forgiveness, capable of moving beyond awful childhoods, capable of putting the past in its place. We are not all perpetual victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again with DH who decided on individual counseling after 2nd kid. I think once we were a family of four, something clicked in his brain drawing comparisons of his childhood family of four and our family of four. Therapy was intense. When he got back home every week, he looked like he had just ran an emotional marathon. I didn't pry. It's important that he dealt with his own past on his own. The stories he did share made me so angry. It's normal to want to protect those that you love even if you can't do anything about the past.

It's also true that DH tried to brush everything aside as if it weren't so bad. You're probably only hearing a 10th of what happened. Just love him and strongly urge individual counseling after the baby stress has passed around 6 months. Hugs.

To end on a positive, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and he'd never harm a flea. For him, it was anxiety and coming to terms with his past and acceptance of his very flawed Dad whom he loves.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Your understanding has been very helpful My husband is so kind and patient and wonderful and I just want everything to be perfect for him even though I can't do that or change his past. I'll do my best to encourage therapy and support him however I can.


Do you have any advice for how to deal with fil in the short term? We'll be seeing alot of them soon first for Easter and when baby makes his arrival. I won't attack my fil or anything like that but I know I'm going to be very emotional.

Your husband may not need therapy! Good grief. This may be why he never shared this information with you in the past. You now see him as tainted and broken--as someone who needs "help," "therapy," "to be fixed..." where before he was just your husband-someone you loved. It sounds like you are trying to create a problem where none exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP again with DH who decided on individual counseling after 2nd kid. I think once we were a family of four, something clicked in his brain drawing comparisons of his childhood family of four and our family of four. Therapy was intense. When he got back home every week, he looked like he had just ran an emotional marathon. I didn't pry. It's important that he dealt with his own past on his own. The stories he did share made me so angry. It's normal to want to protect those that you love even if you can't do anything about the past.

It's also true that DH tried to brush everything aside as if it weren't so bad. You're probably only hearing a 10th of what happened. Just love him and strongly urge individual counseling after the baby stress has passed around 6 months. Hugs.

To end on a positive, he's the sweetest man I've ever met and he'd never harm a flea. For him, it was anxiety and coming to terms with his past and acceptance of his very flawed Dad whom he loves.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Your understanding has been very helpful [/b]My husband is so kind and patient and wonderful and I just want everything to be perfect for him even though I can't do that or change his past. I'll do my best to encourage therapy[b] and support him however I can.


Do you have any advice for how to deal with fil in the short term? We'll be seeing alot of them soon first for Easter and when baby makes his arrival. I won't attack my fil or anything like that but I know I'm going to be very emotional.

Why exactly does he need therapy if he is kind and patient and wonderful? It sounds like this is a mature man, who has come to terms with his abuse, has the capacity to forgive his abuser and has made a good life for himself despite a rough start. It isn't your place to decide that he needs "fixing" simply because he shared this information with you. If you truly love him, don't treat him any differently now that he has shared this information with you. He is the same man that he was before you found out this information--not any more or less flawed, not any more or less in need of therapy, not any more or less in need of "fixing."