Should you ever tell other parents when you learn their kids are into hard drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would approach the parents and tell them that you are helping them to save their child's life but you don't want to risk the relationship with your own child. I would tell them to keep your daughters identity confidential, it's not an important factor anyway.

This will not work. I once told a friend that her husband was cheating on her, and asked her not to tell the husband the source of the information. What did she do? She promptly told him, and it caused considerable problems for me.

In the heat of the moment, this parent will tell their child who told them, and the takeaway for your child will be to not tell things like this in the future.

It would be better to call the school counselor and tell them what you suspect. See if they would be willing to talk to the student and possibly the family. That would take you, and your child, out of the mix.

I 100% but sending up something truly anonymous and suggesting a drug test is pretty straight forwards. If the parents have their head in the sand then nothing happens. If parents drug test and the child has not done drugs within a reasonable amount of time then nothing happens. If parents test AND kids doing hard drugs then the parent know what is happening and can address it as they see fit.

Not to hijack this post but I give my kids a drug test twice a year, fall/winter and spring/fall. I let all of their friends know that I drug test and that provides my children with an excuse not to try drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would approach the parents and tell them that you are helping them to save their child's life but you don't want to risk the relationship with your own child. I would tell them to keep your daughters identity confidential, it's not an important factor anyway.

This will not work. I once told a friend that her husband was cheating on her, and asked her not to tell the husband the source of the information. What did she do? She promptly told him, and it caused considerable problems for me.

In the heat of the moment, this parent will tell their child who told them, and the takeaway for your child will be to not tell things like this in the future.

It would be better to call the school counselor and tell them what you suspect. See if they would be willing to talk to the student and possibly the family. That would take you, and your child, out of the mix.

I 100% but sending up something truly anonymous and suggesting a drug test is pretty straight forwards. If the parents have their head in the sand then nothing happens. If parents drug test and the child has not done drugs within a reasonable amount of time then nothing happens. If parents test AND kids doing hard drugs then the parent know what is happening and can address it as they see fit.

Not to hijack this post but I give my kids a drug test twice a year, fall/winter and spring/fall. I let all of their friends know that I drug test and that provides my children with an excuse not to try drugs.

[Anonymous]

Definitely tell the parents, do it anonymously if you want.

If I got a random note saying my daughter was doing drugs, I will investigate and be thankful for the heads-up if it ended up being true. I would do this at any age - even if the kid is in college. I am their parent and that part of my job does not stop because the kid turns 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So here's the other side--I've been your daughter. When I was 16, one of my oldest and closest friends (his mother and mine were best friends) started using heroin. He had been getting high for a while but when it became more hardcore I tried hard to get him to stop and get help for the stuff was driving him into that sort of coping mechanism. He'd hear me out but ultimately he just found life easier to deal with when he was using. I confided in my mom and at her urging, I went to his mother.

It was a total sh*tshow. His mom was convinced I was trying to get her son into trouble (she was the sort of person who couldn't have a child LIKE THAT) and couldn't hear me through her defensiveness, despite all the signs right in front of her. It damaged her relationship with my mom for years. Ironically, my friend wasn't pissed at me, he understood why I did it although he told me he wished I had just kept my mouth shut. At the time, so did I.

In retrospect, I'm glad I told. The worst happened with my friend, he died at 23 years old of an accident related to his drug use. I miss him all the time and I'm sad my kids will never know him because he was a remarkable and loving person. But I know, and he knew, that I tried to help him, and that gives me some comfort. I think if I had known what he was doing and not tried to get him help, it would eat me up.

My heart hurts for you PP -- what a sad story. I think your story gives more reasons though about why the OP (mom) should handle this with the parents, if at all, rather than encouraging her daughter to do it.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the parents. I think the anonymous route is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely tell the parents, do it anonymously if you want.

If I got a random note saying my daughter was doing drugs, I will investigate and be thankful for the heads-up if it ended up being true. I would do this at any age - even if the kid is in college. I am their parent and that part of my job does not stop because the kid turns 18.

Completely agree. But I am the kind of parent that tells my friends, if my kid is being a jerk, drinking, or doing drugs or treating girls poorly, please let me know. We are not there yet (only 13, other than potential jerky stuff!) and I would hope I would have a sense, but we can sometimes, even though we think we won't, turn a blind eye to our own kids. I love the book Beautiful Boy, it's the best book about being the father of addict out there and he started with a lot of denial (it's only pot, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would approach the parents and tell them that you are helping them to save their child's life but you don't want to risk the relationship with your own child. I would tell them to keep your daughters identity confidential, it's not an important factor anyway.

This will not work. I once told a friend that her husband was cheating on her, and asked her not to tell the husband the source of the information. What did she do? She promptly told him, and it caused considerable problems for me.

In the heat of the moment, this parent will tell their child who told them, and the takeaway for your child will be to not tell things like this in the future.

It would be better to call the school counselor and tell them what you suspect. See if they would be willing to talk to the student and possibly the family. That would take you, and your child, out of the mix.

I 100% but sending up something truly anonymous and suggesting a drug test is pretty straight forwards. If the parents have their head in the sand then nothing happens. If parents drug test and the child has not done drugs within a reasonable amount of time then nothing happens. If parents test AND kids doing hard drugs then the parent know what is happening and can address it as they see fit.

Not to hijack this post but I give my kids a drug test twice a year, fall/winter and spring/fall. I let all of their friends know that I drug test and that provides my children with an excuse not to try drugs.

This is an interesting strategy. I may try it! Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP I am kind of an idiot. When I nearly ran over her too high to not play in the highway DS, and I mentioned it to her, she got very, very mad and denied the whole thing. Apparently I could not see him well (even tho he was plastered to my bumper (scary) several drug busts later ... she was still in denial. So we just don't talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me if my child is doing hard drugs. Please.

This. For God's sake, wouldn't you want to know? Hard drugs? This could be a matter of life and death and you better model that for your model. Some things are so serious that you HAVE TO TELL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me if my child is doing hard drugs. Please.

This. For God's sake, wouldn't you want to know? Hard drugs? This could be a matter of life and death and you better model that for your model. Some things are so serious that you HAVE TO TELL.

I meant, you better model that for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

The anonymous route seems better than telling the parent face to face. Think about it. If someone told you your Larlo is shooting up heroin when you are completely clueless, what would your reaction be? You would be likely to defensively lash out at the person and wonder what their agenda was for saying such awful things about your child. This could drive the parent deeper into denial. Better to send something anonymously so that the parent doesn't have to deal with face saving and can use as much time as she needs to process it.

Also vote for the approach of getting OP's DD to convince kid to get to NA if she can. There the kid can get support for telling his parents himself, which is the best way for parents to hear this.

[Anonymous]

I would not tell. At my high school, plenty of people did hard drugs. I am not talking about coke and pills, more like crack and heroin. btw, in the few cases where parents stepped in, it actually made it worse.

Though it depends which drugs and how much they are using. I know many people who did coke over the years and are completely fine now. A small few are not. If they are using a lot, i may say something anonymously.

You mention your DD is 18. I know its hard but she (and I assume her friends). They need to learn about the consequences of their actions without mommy and daddy stepping in.

Flame away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were the other parent, I would be forever grateful to you for telling me and would keep your confidence regarding the source.

I have been in your position and it is tricky when you don't know the other parents and how they will react. School counselor as PP suggested is a great option. Anonymous email is ok but I would phase it much more kindly than the other pp did. Something that sounded confrontational would get my back up and make it less likely that I'd credit it.

Don't do the anonymous note.

But, school counselor is the way to go. Anonymously report it to them. In middle school DD told me her friend was experimenting with masturbating while choking himself. I obviously felt the need to do something with the information and the school counselor handled it - as they are trained to do.

[Anonymous]

I would go through the school counsellor if at all possible - more likely to be taken into account by the parents than a random email, with the additional benefit of offering built-in support to the parents that might not otherwise seek it or know where to find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not tell. At my high school, plenty of people did hard drugs. I am not talking about coke and pills, more like crack and heroin. btw, in the few cases where parents stepped in, it actually made it worse.

Though it depends which drugs and how much they are using. I know many people who did coke over the years and are completely fine now. A small few are not. If they are using a lot, i may say something anonymously.

You mention your DD is 18. I know its hard but she (and I assume her friends). They need to learn about the consequences of their actions without mommy and daddy stepping in.

Flame away.

I'll flame away. This is ridiculous, terrible advice. I'd rather intervene prematurely with a teenager who may have turned out fine than not intervene with a teenager who may be dead or have a ruined life soon. You can't tell which is which until it's too late. Act like hard drugs are no big deal at your own child's peril.