Whats the deal with my inlaws and food?

[Anonymous]

What is their weight OP?

My mother has struggled with weight her whole life and she is like this. She pretends she doesn't eat and loves to tell you all about it. Clearly she eats.

Nice thought that the younger generation doesn't have these issues. I think that is delusional. I have female friends where it is clear food dominates their thinking and life. I can't stand the constant running commentary on eating from some women...I shouldn't eat this, what are you having, I can't believe I ate that, I ate a piece of chocolate cake at lunch (aren't you living on the edge), you have to try this (no I don't stop pushing food on me that you want to eat). It's all boring. Stop talking about food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is their weight OP?

My mother has struggled with weight her whole life and she is like this. She pretends she doesn't eat and loves to tell you all about it. Clearly she eats.

Nice thought that the younger generation doesn't have these issues. I think that is delusional. I have female friends where it is clear food dominates their thinking and life. I can't stand the constant running commentary on eating from some women...I shouldn't eat this, what are you having, I can't believe I ate that, I ate a piece of chocolate cake at lunch (aren't you living on the edge), you have to try this (no I don't stop pushing food on me that you want to eat). It's all boring. Stop talking about food.

I think they're in the overweight category (apparently both their doctors have told them to get their weight down) but they're not obese or anything.

And yes, the constant talk about food... I actually didn't notice it at first, but after I realized that we spent a whole hour talking about food at meals, I started to realize how constant and repetitive it was, and then it became unbearable to me. At one point I lost my cool, and I said, "Can we talk about something other than food today?" Which was proceeded by a very silent meal. I've since learned to use a bit more tact and just change the subject

[Anonymous]

I have a relative like this - largely her fluctuations in appetite are due to side effects of a medication, but some days she wouldn't ever drink water if I waited for her to accept one of my offers. I think just stop asking if they're hungry or thirsty. Bring them a glass of water to welcome them. Set a place for them at the table whenever you're serving a meal. If you've made a snack or an appetizer, hand them one and don't think about whether they'll serve themselves more.

Just have a flexible meal schedule while they're here. Make enough for them to fully partake. Make food that packs well as leftovers in case they don't. And for your own sanity, don't engage in the discussion of food with them. They'll eat or they won't, but they won't starve themselves. Just make the food available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this - largely her fluctuations in appetite are due to side effects of a medication, but some days she wouldn't ever drink water if I waited for her to accept one of my offers. I think just stop asking if they're hungry or thirsty. Bring them a glass of water to welcome them. Set a place for them at the table whenever you're serving a meal. If you've made a snack or an appetizer, hand them one and don't think about whether they'll serve themselves more.

Just have a flexible meal schedule while they're here. Make enough for them to fully partake. Make food that packs well as leftovers in case they don't. And for your own sanity, don't engage in the discussion of food with them. They'll eat or they won't, but they won't starve themselves. Just make the food available.

Thanks, this is good advice, and some other PPs have said the same. I know now that this is probably the best approach to take with them. Don't ask questions, just put the food out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: This is a hypocritical facet of American culture. A good hostess puts out a plentiful display of food of food and a good guest makes her hostess happy. However, a "good" female does not eat a lot. This sets up dueling social conventions that are not possible for women to satisfy. We must be good hostesses and guests, yet as females we cannot eat more than a few tidbits. We cannot satisfy both notions.

NP here. Wow! This is a great point. Never thought of that. It's so true!

True for MILs. Not younger people. Sorry. We've got Jennifer Lawrence, Tina Fey and Amy Poehker, Amy Schumer, Rebel Wilson and Many other stars out there who give zero fucks. They all are vocal about loving pizza. The tide is turning.

Oh sure! We're way beyond all that. Which is why we have posts like this:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/533237.page

Why do you read/post in threads like that? You don't have to engage with food/weight noise. If you do, you're part of it,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is their weight OP?

My mother has struggled with weight her whole life and she is like this. She pretends she doesn't eat and loves to tell you all about it. Clearly she eats.

Nice thought that the younger generation doesn't have these issues. I think that is delusional. I have female friends where it is clear food dominates their thinking and life. I can't stand the constant running commentary on eating from some women...I shouldn't eat this, what are you having, I can't believe I ate that, I ate a piece of chocolate cake at lunch (aren't you living on the edge), you have to try this (no I don't stop pushing food on me that you want to eat). It's all boring. Stop talking about food.

+1

Stop talking about food. Also stop talking about your injuries. You're not 100 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: This is a hypocritical facet of American culture. A good hostess puts out a plentiful display of food of food and a good guest makes her hostess happy. However, a "good" female does not eat a lot. This sets up dueling social conventions that are not possible for women to satisfy. We must be good hostesses and guests, yet as females we cannot eat more than a few tidbits. We cannot satisfy both notions.

NP here. Wow! This is a great point. Never thought of that. It's so true!

True for MILs. Not younger people. Sorry. We've got Jennifer Lawrence, Tina Fey and Amy Poehker, Amy Schumer, Rebel Wilson and Many other stars out there who give zero fucks. They all are vocal about loving pizza. The tide is turning.

Oh sure! We're way beyond all that. Which is why we have posts like this:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/533237.page

Why do you read/post in threads like that? You don't have to engage with food/weight noise. If you do, you're part of it,

But now you're changing the issue. Just because YOU don't engage with those type of threads doesn't mean a social problems doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: This is a hypocritical facet of American culture. A good hostess puts out a plentiful display of food of food and a good guest makes her hostess happy. However, a "good" female does not eat a lot. This sets up dueling social conventions that are not possible for women to satisfy. We must be good hostesses and guests, yet as females we cannot eat more than a few tidbits. We cannot satisfy both notions.

NP here. Wow! This is a great point. Never thought of that. It's so true!

I agree. I remember as a kid being offered food by a friend's mother, and eating it, and then being admonished for having accepting the second or third helping by my mother bc my friends mother told mine how I ate more than everyone else. Wtf. I was like 10 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this - largely her fluctuations in appetite are due to side effects of a medication, but some days she wouldn't ever drink water if I waited for her to accept one of my offers. I think just stop asking if they're hungry or thirsty. Bring them a glass of water to welcome them. Set a place for them at the table whenever you're serving a meal. If you've made a snack or an appetizer, hand them one and don't think about whether they'll serve themselves more.

Just have a flexible meal schedule while they're here. Make enough for them to fully partake. Make food that packs well as leftovers in case they don't. And for your own sanity, don't engage in the discussion of food with them. They'll eat or they won't, but they won't starve themselves. Just make the food available.

Thanks, this is good advice, and some other PPs have said the same. I know now that this is probably the best approach to take with them. Don't ask questions, just put the food out.

It's the approach my Dr recommended when my daughter seemed to be on a hunger strike and wasn't growing. I'd beg and plead for her to eat. I'd cook her favorite foods. Dr said - just put the food out and don't say a word. As a mother, it was so hard to do, but I committed to trying it for a week and by the end, she was eating less than I thought was reasonable, but at least she was eating something and there were no more battles at meal time. Next time I took her to the Dr, she had gained 2 lb.

It works, but it's not easy.

[Anonymous]

I can relate my mom has a lot of weird hangups about food and calorie restrictions. I jokingly refer to her as Our Lady of the Perpetual Diet. She is forever telling me about how many points food have or how many hours a day she is exercising and I just kind of smile and nod. It's sad because she is in great health and is very fit but her entire self value is tied to numbers on a scale

[Anonymous]

MIL is like this, OP. She is underweight and scrawny (I'm small too, so I am not being catty here). The woman is clearly undernourished. Her children are too. It is partly because she is lazy, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

NP here. As a side note, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea that your DH at least has SOME issues with food. The combination of his small portions (only 3x/day?) and insight into who raised him make me think he at least has some disordered stuff around food. Or that it's a significant possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is their weight OP?

My mother has struggled with weight her whole life and she is like this. She pretends she doesn't eat and loves to tell you all about it. Clearly she eats.

Nice thought that the younger generation doesn't have these issues. I think that is delusional. I have female friends where it is clear food dominates their thinking and life. I can't stand the constant running commentary on eating from some women...I shouldn't eat this, what are you having, I can't believe I ate that, I ate a piece of chocolate cake at lunch (aren't you living on the edge), you have to try this (no I don't stop pushing food on me that you want to eat). It's all boring. Stop talking about food.

+1

Stop talking about food. Also stop talking about your injuries. You're not 100 years old.

Stop talking about your kids. Stop talking about how overworked, over stressed, (fill in the blank) you are. Stop talking about how many miles you ran, about your spin class, your yoga class, etc...See how that works. What you think is interesting others think is boring, too. Most people are simply more tolerant of others than people on this board seem to be--especially of prior generations. Get over yourselves. You aren't that interesting either.