Is it weird that I never want to "make love?"

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of feelings about this thread. I had to deal with sexual abuse issues when I was younger and I did not think they impacted me but, now that I am married, I think they have. And the issue is emotional connection/vulnerability during sex. I have gone through long periods of zero sex in my marriage. However, I have also gone though (very brief) porn star type sex periods and also more emotional "making love" type experiences. The latter are very rare and are hard for me. I have a difficult time relaxing during sex and letting my DH do things to me, and asking for what I want is very difficult, and to express emotion while being naked and having sex is the hardest thing of all. OP, could you look your DH in the eye while having sex? That is about the most intimate thing, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband more than anything in the world but I don't think we've ever "made love" nor do I have any desire to do so. I never did in other relationships either. We have great sex but I just want him to bang me porn star style and have no desire for some deeply emotional slow experience you see in romance movies. We've been married for 6 years. Do other women feel this way? After some great sex last night It occurred to me that this might not be the norm.

OP, do you masturbate? Is that emotional for you, self loving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of feelings about this thread. I had to deal with sexual abuse issues when I was younger and I did not think they impacted me but, now that I am married, I think they have. And the issue is emotional connection/vulnerability during sex. I have gone through long periods of zero sex in my marriage. However, I have also gone though (very brief) porn star type sex periods and also more emotional "making love" type experiences. The latter are very rare and are hard for me. I have a difficult time relaxing during sex and letting my DH do things to me, and asking for what I want is very difficult, and to express emotion while being naked and having sex is the hardest thing of all. OP, could you look your DH in the eye while having sex? That is about the most intimate thing, I think.

Interesting thread. DH here, I can't look people in the eye when having sex. Can definitely have sex with eyes open but deep staring is weird to me. No history of abuse. We don't make love, DW also thinks its strange (no sexual abuse in her past either). She has sex with her eyes closed, says it helps her focus (or fantasize, whatever, as long as she is enjoying it). Good thing we are compatible that way.

[Anonymous]

OH, PPs, here's the point.

Sex can shake you to your core. Not being able to share that with someone because of sexual abuse is one thing, and you keep delineating yourselves from that. Not being able to share with with someone else because of you, is the exact same thing.

You act like "making love" is something laughable, but mostly, because I suspect you've ever done it. It's not harlequin novels. It's soul bearing and scary, even without a history of abuse, or guarded emotions, which I suspect a lot of posters have.

I'm the original poster about a us in ad, and I'm going to tell you something. I thought I was cool with sex. I mean, I got abused, but I was totally in co tell of my sexuality. I always got pleasure. My partners gave me pleasure. I fucked around and always "got off". Mastrubation gave me pleasure. But, "making love" didn't. It was weird and uncomfortable and like WTF, he wasn't taking control. I thought it was pathetic. How was I supposed to get off like that? Who strokes my arms and looks into my eyes, and treats me like a human and not a pleasure thing?

And that was the problem. Sex was power, and control, and a bunch of other things. You women talking about "alphas" and "betas", I get what turns you on... But here's the key.. You are turned on the the POWER of sex, and haven't even considered that there are other reasons.

Sex, by all means, doesn't need to be three hours of staring to each other's eyes at every instance. But you know what? It's not unhealthy if it does. The fact that you find laughable (and at one point, I did too), belies your own discomfort.

I love to be f*d like a pornstar. But now, it takes a different side, because there are also the moments of exploration that used to leave me terrified at my own vulnerability.

You think you're cooler that you'll f without abandon, but it's Actually sad that you'll do so with a trusted partner. You're not more powerful for your avoidance, you're actually more scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH, PPs, here's the point.

Sex can shake you to your core. Not being able to share that with someone because of sexual abuse is one thing, and you keep delineating yourselves from that. Not being able to share with with someone else because of you, is the exact same thing.

You act like "making love" is something laughable, but mostly, because I suspect you've ever done it. It's not harlequin novels. It's soul bearing and scary, even without a history of abuse, or guarded emotions, which I suspect a lot of posters have.

I'm the original poster about a us in ad, and I'm going to tell you something. I thought I was cool with sex. I mean, I got abused, but I was totally in co tell of my sexuality. I always got pleasure. My partners gave me pleasure. I fucked around and always "got off". Mastrubation gave me pleasure. But, "making love" didn't. It was weird and uncomfortable and like WTF, he wasn't taking control. I thought it was pathetic. How was I supposed to get off like that? Who strokes my arms and looks into my eyes, and treats me like a human and not a pleasure thing?

And that was the problem. Sex was power, and control, and a bunch of other things. You women talking about "alphas" and "betas", I get what turns you on... But here's the key.. You are turned on the the POWER of sex, and haven't even considered that there are other reasons.

Sex, by all means, doesn't need to be three hours of staring to each other's eyes at every instance. But you know what? It's not unhealthy if it does. The fact that you find laughable (and at one point, I did too), belies your own discomfort.

I love to be f*d like a pornstar. But now, it takes a different side, because there are also the moments of exploration that used to leave me terrified at my own vulnerability.

You think you're cooler that you'll f without abandon, but it's Actually sad that you'll do so with a trusted partner. You're not more powerful for your avoidance, you're actually more scared.

Pp here... Thanks iPad. There's a whole bunch of corrections that didn't correct.

Control for one.

[Anonymous]

It's over rated probably because of the "movie fantasy" industry. In real life it has it's place like everything else. Hopefully the kids, job security, compromise, good finances, and communication all come first. I say if those are working, then the rest usually falls into place. If you have a spouse who is not doing their share, or who has betrayed you in some way then the bedroom part isn't going to be frequent or happen until the rest is fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH, PPs, here's the point.

Sex can shake you to your core. Not being able to share that with someone because of sexual abuse is one thing, and you keep delineating yourselves from that. Not being able to share with with someone else because of you, is the exact same thing.

You act like "making love" is something laughable, but mostly, because I suspect you've ever done it. It's not harlequin novels. It's soul bearing and scary, even without a history of abuse, or guarded emotions, which I suspect a lot of posters have.

I'm the original poster about a us in ad, and I'm going to tell you something. I thought I was cool with sex. I mean, I got abused, but I was totally in co tell of my sexuality. I always got pleasure. My partners gave me pleasure. I fucked around and always "got off". Mastrubation gave me pleasure. But, "making love" didn't. It was weird and uncomfortable and like WTF, he wasn't taking control. I thought it was pathetic. How was I supposed to get off like that? Who strokes my arms and looks into my eyes, and treats me like a human and not a pleasure thing?

And that was the problem. Sex was power, and control, and a bunch of other things. You women talking about "alphas" and "betas", I get what turns you on... But here's the key.. You are turned on the the POWER of sex, and haven't even considered that there are other reasons.

Sex, by all means, doesn't need to be three hours of staring to each other's eyes at every instance. But you know what? It's not unhealthy if it does. The fact that you find laughable (and at one point, I did too), belies your own discomfort.

I love to be f*d like a pornstar. But now, it takes a different side, because there are also the moments of exploration that used to leave me terrified at my own vulnerability.

You think you're cooler that you'll f without abandon, but it's Actually sad that you'll do so with a trusted partner. You're not more powerful for your avoidance, you're actually more scared.

Hey, you love lovemaking, and deep, vulnerable sex. Great! Yeah you!

Why do you feel the need to name call those who like sex otherwise? You call people sad and scared if they don't feel the same emotions as you. It doesn't make you liberated, it makes you pompous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OH, PPs, here's the point.

Sex can shake you to your core. Not being able to share that with someone because of sexual abuse is one thing, and you keep delineating yourselves from that. Not being able to share with with someone else because of you, is the exact same thing.

You act like "making love" is something laughable, but mostly, because I suspect you've ever done it. It's not harlequin novels. It's soul bearing and scary, even without a history of abuse, or guarded emotions, which I suspect a lot of posters have.

I'm the original poster about a us in ad, and I'm going to tell you something. I thought I was cool with sex. I mean, I got abused, but I was totally in co tell of my sexuality. I always got pleasure. My partners gave me pleasure. I fucked around and always "got off". Mastrubation gave me pleasure. But, "making love" didn't. It was weird and uncomfortable and like WTF, he wasn't taking control. I thought it was pathetic. How was I supposed to get off like that? Who strokes my arms and looks into my eyes, and treats me like a human and not a pleasure thing?

And that was the problem. Sex was power, and control, and a bunch of other things. You women talking about "alphas" and "betas", I get what turns you on... But here's the key.. You are turned on the the POWER of sex, and haven't even considered that there are other reasons.

Sex, by all means, doesn't need to be three hours of staring to each other's eyes at every instance. But you know what? It's not unhealthy if it does. The fact that you find laughable (and at one point, I did too), belies your own discomfort.

I love to be f*d like a pornstar. But now, it takes a different side, because there are also the moments of exploration that used to leave me terrified at my own vulnerability.

You think you're cooler that you'll f without abandon, but it's Actually sad that you'll do so with a trusted partner. You're not more powerful for your avoidance, you're actually more scared.

Hey, you love lovemaking, and deep, vulnerable sex. Great! Yeah you!

Why do you feel the need to name call those who like sex otherwise? You call people sad and scared if they don't feel the same emotions as you. It doesn't make you liberated, it makes you pompous.

No. Becasue I was the "porn star" gal before. And it rarely has a place long term in a relationship if y are questioning it and your partner wants more.

And if the OP is actually questioning if it's normal, they key is.. If it worries you, it needs investigation.

[Anonymous]

PP here..the point about liberated sex, is you are comfortable with your own sex, or anyone else's. So, eyes wide open and "making love" makes you no more comfortable or uncomfortable than port star fucking.

The biggest problem is that women don't feel empowered unless it's porn star fucking. And that you for your post, because it illustrates that somehow, there is a weakness if you want to make love.

I've had both, and I get it. But I'm going to tell you, if you CANNOT address a long term partner on an emotional level during sex, you are sad and scared. It's an easy place to avoid the truth. It's not about enjoyment... I still enjoy hard core sex. But it was the learning to love the other side that was hard. And that's not easy to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I have had more emotional sex with my husband on various occasions. It's not all slow with candles or anything, but there isn't dirty talk and instead we really look at each other during and say I love you. It's different than the typical sex for physical pleasure /fun alone.

This is my PP and I wanted to add to it in light of the later comments.

I used to have zero emotional connection during sex. My husband did, but I just viewed it as purely physical. I was very disappointed when I lost my virginity (a million years ago) and I didn't have that emotional reaction. So I decided it was dumb and I was fine with no emotions attached. Sometime in my 30s, however, things changed and now I can have a deep emotional connection. I personally think it is a really good development. So I get both sides of this situation.

No need to belittle either side.

[Anonymous]

WTF? When did "making love" get a bad name. I don't want you to cook my bread, I don't want you to make my bed, I don't want your money too --

I just want to make love to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH, PPs, here's the point.

Sex can shake you to your core. Not being able to share that with someone because of sexual abuse is one thing, and you keep delineating yourselves from that. Not being able to share with with someone else because of you, is the exact same thing.

You act like "making love" is something laughable, but mostly, because I suspect you've ever done it. It's not harlequin novels. It's soul bearing and scary, even without a history of abuse, or guarded emotions, which I suspect a lot of posters have.

I'm the original poster about a us in ad, and I'm going to tell you something. I thought I was cool with sex. I mean, I got abused, but I was totally in co tell of my sexuality. I always got pleasure. My partners gave me pleasure. I fucked around and always "got off". Mastrubation gave me pleasure. But, "making love" didn't. It was weird and uncomfortable and like WTF, he wasn't taking control. I thought it was pathetic. How was I supposed to get off like that? Who strokes my arms and looks into my eyes, and treats me like a human and not a pleasure thing?

And that was the problem. Sex was power, and control, and a bunch of other things. You women talking about "alphas" and "betas", I get what turns you on... But here's the key.. You are turned on the the POWER of sex, and haven't even considered that there are other reasons.

Sex, by all means, doesn't need to be three hours of staring to each other's eyes at every instance. But you know what? It's not unhealthy if it does. The fact that you find laughable (and at one point, I did too), belies your own discomfort.

I love to be f*d like a pornstar. But now, it takes a different side, because there are also the moments of exploration that used to leave me terrified at my own vulnerability.

You think you're cooler that you'll f without abandon, but it's Actually sad that you'll do so with a trusted partner. You're not more powerful for your avoidance, you're actually more scared.

Another PP here, who said she and her husband probably never ever made love, don't have that emotional connection during sex. Yes, the words "making love" make me uncomfortable, but I'd like to get there. It feels impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that women like this would think differently if they were with more talented partners.

+1.

As an aside, I loathe the phrase "make love." It makes me think of Woody Allen - his films are rife with characters (over)using the phrase - and that's never a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that women like this would think differently if they were with more talented partners.

So it is my husband's fault? Can I tell him that?

Anonymous wrote:
As an aside, I loathe the phrase "make love." It makes me think of Woody Allen - his films are rife with characters (over)using the phrase - and that's never a good thing.

Makes the phrase twice as bad now that you brought up Woody Allen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My theory is that women like this would think differently if they were with more talented partners.

So it is my husband's fault? Can I tell him that?

Anonymous wrote:
As an aside, I loathe the phrase "make love." It makes me think of Woody Allen - his films are rife with characters (over)using the phrase - and that's never a good thing.

Makes the phrase twice as bad now that you brought up Woody Allen!

Sure, what could possibly go wrong?