When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be hurt, too, OP. Any way for your DH to raise this with his parents, just in a kind of inquiring way about why they seem so willing to spend so much more time with their other grandchildren?

Not OP but another poster. My DH did this and got a "we're sorry you see it that way, we don't mean to hurt you, we think it's in your head" sort of response. I mean, what are they going to say? "You're totally right! We have been being awful to you because frankly we like your sister and her kids more. Sorry!"

I think bringing it up is a good idea to clear the air - but don't expect any dramatic changes. People are how they are.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine they don't know how to say no to their daughter and perhaps have some resentments building about it. My sister (in another state) has twin toddlers, and my mom basically has no more days off since my sister drops them off with her on all mom's days off. Mom is getting burnt out, and while she loves the extra time with my sister and the babies, she wishes my sister would give her some space but doesn't know how to say it. I think you and your hubby are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't usually ask them for work reasons (my husband has a lot of flexibility) but they do turn us down quite often if we ask for personal/social reasons. They keep an active social calendar booked way in advance but seem only willing to cancel their activities for SIL.

I think that's a very relevant difference. My parents have active social lives, which they would not cancel in order to babysit so that DS and I could socialize. But they would have no problem with canceling a social activity to watch the kids if we needed to work.

[Anonymous]

They don't want to be your backup child care. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

OP, what in particular are you upset about? Are they turning you down when you ask? Not feeling welcome to ask more? Inequity of babysitting distribution? Unless they keep taking your SIL's kids and turning down your requests, I don't understand what a big deal is. Chances are they are not giving it as much thought as you do, and render assistance when family ask for it.

On the other hand, I get the dynamic you're hinting on. There is a subset of older women who weirdly prefer their daughter's children. Chuck it up to paternal uncertainty. You know how in certain cultures a man closest blood relative is not his child, but his sister's child? Something along those lines, subconsciously. I didn't realize this until I grew up, but my fucked in the head grandma strongly preferred her daughter's son over me, her son's daughter. My mother knew it, but shielded me from the ugliness of my dad's family as much as she could. I never had any sort of relationship with my paternal grandparents, and it's too bad, but not the worst thing in the world, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what in particular are you upset about? Are they turning you down when you ask? Not feeling welcome to ask more? Inequity of babysitting distribution? Unless they keep taking your SIL's kids and turning down your requests, I don't understand what a big deal is. Chances are they are not giving it as much thought as you do, and render assistance when family ask for it.

On the other hand, I get the dynamic you're hinting on. There is a subset of older women who weirdly prefer their daughter's children. Chuck it up to paternal uncertainty. You know how in certain cultures a man closest blood relative is not his child, but his sister's child? Something along those lines, subconsciously. I didn't realize this until I grew up, but my fucked in the head grandma strongly preferred her daughter's son over me, her son's daughter. My mother knew it, but shielded me from the ugliness of my dad's family as much as she could. I never had any sort of relationship with my paternal grandparents, and it's too bad, but not the worst thing in the world, really.

+1

This is true, it is sub-generational. Older grandmothers prefer their daughters children - it is narcissistic behavior. Probably leftover guilt about their own dad issues, and the daughter's father not being interested. Younger grandmothers don't seem to have this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be hurt, too, OP. Any way for your DH to raise this with his parents, just in a kind of inquiring way about why they seem so willing to spend so much more time with their other grandchildren?

Not OP but another poster. My DH did this and got a "we're sorry you see it that way, we don't mean to hurt you, we think it's in your head" sort of response. I mean, what are they going to say? "You're totally right! We have been being awful to you because frankly we like your sister and her kids more. Sorry!"

I think bringing it up is a good idea to clear the air - but don't expect any dramatic changes. People are how they are.

+1

This, exactly. OP, in my case, MIL and SIL are equally selfish and lazy, so there's that.

We had a lot of luck with neighborhood teens - much more kind, warm, engaged and energetic than the ILs, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what in particular are you upset about? Are they turning you down when you ask? Not feeling welcome to ask more? Inequity of babysitting distribution? Unless they keep taking your SIL's kids and turning down your requests, I don't understand what a big deal is. Chances are they are not giving it as much thought as you do, and render assistance when family ask for it.

On the other hand, I get the dynamic you're hinting on. There is a subset of older women who weirdly prefer their daughter's children. Chuck it up to paternal uncertainty. You know how in certain cultures a man closest blood relative is not his child, but his sister's child? Something along those lines, subconsciously. I didn't realize this until I grew up, but my fucked in the head grandma strongly preferred her daughter's son over me, her son's daughter. My mother knew it, but shielded me from the ugliness of my dad's family as much as she could. I never had any sort of relationship with my paternal grandparents, and it's too bad, but not the worst thing in the world, really.

+1

This is true, it is sub-generational. Older grandmothers prefer their daughters children - it is narcissistic behavior. Probably leftover guilt about their own dad issues, and the daughter's father not being interested. Younger grandmothers don't seem to have this problem.

I don't think it is actively preferring the children or in any way "classic narcissistic" behavior. It is, as may other posters have suggested, a comfort level thing. It's like the old adage, "you're son is your son until he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what in particular are you upset about? Are they turning you down when you ask? Not feeling welcome to ask more? Inequity of babysitting distribution? Unless they keep taking your SIL's kids and turning down your requests, I don't understand what a big deal is. Chances are they are not giving it as much thought as you do, and render assistance when family ask for it.

On the other hand, I get the dynamic you're hinting on. There is a subset of older women who weirdly prefer their daughter's children. Chuck it up to paternal uncertainty. You know how in certain cultures a man closest blood relative is not his child, but his sister's child? Something along those lines, subconsciously. I didn't realize this until I grew up, but my fucked in the head grandma strongly preferred her daughter's son over me, her son's daughter. My mother knew it, but shielded me from the ugliness of my dad's family as much as she could. I never had any sort of relationship with my paternal grandparents, and it's too bad, but not the worst thing in the world, really.

+1

This is true, it is sub-generational. Older grandmothers prefer their daughters children - it is narcissistic behavior. Probably leftover guilt about their own dad issues, and the daughter's father not being interested. Younger grandmothers don't seem to have this problem.

I don't think it is actively preferring the children or in any way "classic narcissistic" behavior. It is, as may other posters have suggested, a comfort level thing. It's like the old adage, "you're son is your son until he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life."

No. You (and grandmothers who heed this) are making excuses not to pay attention to the son's wife and children. We all know what is going on. Especially if the son married someone totally different than the son's mom (on purpose, I might add). The narcissistic MIL sees that as a personal affront - because, after all, "it's all about her (MIL)".

[Anonymous]

OP, you said you've been helping them financially-is there any chance SIL is paying them? My brother had my mom watching his kids 3 days a week, driving 2 hours each way to do so, and my parents had financial issues. Mom upped her part-time job to a full time job because she needed the money. Two years later that job wasn't full time and I asked to watch my kids full-time for a competitive salary, and she said yes. My brother pitched a fit and claimed it was unfair.

To a PP's point though, I have already told DH that we will be the ones taking care of my mom in her old age since she took care of our children. DH has a sister and his mom is much closer to her, so she's on the hook for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what in particular are you upset about? Are they turning you down when you ask? Not feeling welcome to ask more? Inequity of babysitting distribution? Unless they keep taking your SIL's kids and turning down your requests, I don't understand what a big deal is. Chances are they are not giving it as much thought as you do, and render assistance when family ask for it.

On the other hand, I get the dynamic you're hinting on. There is a subset of older women who weirdly prefer their daughter's children. Chuck it up to paternal uncertainty. You know how in certain cultures a man closest blood relative is not his child, but his sister's child? Something along those lines, subconsciously. I didn't realize this until I grew up, but my fucked in the head grandma strongly preferred her daughter's son over me, her son's daughter. My mother knew it, but shielded me from the ugliness of my dad's family as much as she could. I never had any sort of relationship with my paternal grandparents, and it's too bad, but not the worst thing in the world, really.

+1

This is true, it is sub-generational. Older grandmothers prefer their daughters children - it is narcissistic behavior. Probably leftover guilt about their own dad issues, and the daughter's father not being interested. Younger grandmothers don't seem to have this problem.

I don't think it is actively preferring the children or in any way "classic narcissistic" behavior. It is, as may other posters have suggested, a comfort level thing. It's like the old adage, "you're son is your son until he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life."

No. You (and grandmothers who heed this) are making excuses not to pay attention to the son's wife and children. We all know what is going on. Especially if the son married someone totally different than the son's mom (on purpose, I might add). The narcissistic MIL sees that as a personal affront - because, after all, "it's all about her (MIL)".

No one said anything about not paying attention to anyone. How many threads on dcum are about a MIL's doing the "wrong" thing when caring for their grandchild? And how many of them are are about things that actually matter? Hardly any. FWIW I'm not a grandmother, I'm a mother with a young child. We have a fine relationship with my MIL but my first call when I need help is my mother. I can drop my kid off and say " goodbye." With my MIL there is a lot of work and prep involved. Writen instructions, maps to everything, meal plans, even if we will be only gone for a few hours. I'd love it if she took more initiative but she won't. She does for my SIL. Comfort level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "fine, whatever" comment speaks volumes. You seem to feel entitled to it, which is wrong.

I don't at all feel entitled to it. I just think whatever they decide to do with their own time, it should be reasonably fair.

Fair to whom?
grandparents aren't obligated to babysit sometimes they, do sometimes they don't.
they have a right to have their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to deal with the hurt feelings? My inlaws retired here and made it very clear to everyone they didn't plan to do a lot of babysitting. Occasional was fine but not regularly. Fine, whatever.

But in the year they've been here my SIL (their daughter) has bascially used them for every teacher workday, Snowday, kid sick day, gap in camp weeks, etc. Not to mention going away with her husband several weekends.

We've used them very sparingly, maybe 4 date nights in a year.

Husband says "if we can't beat 'em, join 'em." I don't know. They made their feelings plain and have not come back and said "turns out we can babysit more often."

I know I have to just get over it. They are watching them AGAIN today.

Are you nice to them? You sound like a pill.

[Anonymous]

Who has time to count up how many times somebody babysits for you as opposed to babysitting for somebody else? My mother-in-law used to keep my step child all summer, every holiday break and that's not what is happening with my kids but they still have a good relationship but they're not obligated to do that s***.
Concentrate on them having a quality relationship with the grandparents not helping your a** out.

[Anonymous]

I think she favors SIL kids. Totally, totally common. There is research out there about maternal grandparent investment in grandchildren and how it far outstrips the investment in a son's children. From a biology perspective, a grandmother is only certain that her daughter's children belong to her bloodline.