When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...

[Anonymous]

My IL's are similar in their preference for their daughter. We live closer and DH is always helping them, running errands for them, doing things around their houses, but SIL is as spoiled now as she was as a teenager. MIL is 75 and still drives down to her house (5 hours away) a few times a year to take a week to thoroughly clean the house from top to bottom and "give SIL a break." They buy SIL expensive gifts every year (laptop, iPad, etc) and give DH a $50 check. MIL literally drove down after Christmas in a separate car because they needed two cars to carry all the presents for my niece. (To be fair, I'd never let them give even a quarter of all that to our child!)

What helps me let it go is that this has hurt DH his whole life. (He's the 3rd of 4 kids and was always told there was no time for him to be in scouts or sports because of older brothers' more important commitments, but then little sister came along and she was allowed to do scouts and sports, etc.) He keeps trying to win their live and approval by being the good son and they keep favoring SIL and always will. And it just hurts him -- rubs that old wound -- when I get annoyed by them or point out another example of their favoritism. And I love my DH and don't want to hurt him or rub salt in his wounds.

Maybe that kind of approach could help you let it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very considerate about the fact that I don't want my kids to be a burden on others. But some people feel family owes them and aren't really think about the other person's feelings. My inlaws are retired and keep themselves busy and I try not to assume they are always available to help me. But my SIL/BIL use them for long stretches. It's not that the IL are more willing to watch their kids. It's that SIL/BIL aren't worried about what the parents want.

Then what is the problem? You've made the decision that you won't use them for babysitting for every situation that comes up. Your SIL made a different decision. Why does her decision affect you? I don't get it.

OP here. The above post is not from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

You just have to. Maybe they don't want to watch the other grandkids but feel pressured to do so. Maybe they have girls who are easy and you have rambunctious boys. Doesn't matter. Life isn't fair. You aren't being fair to ask for free babysitting. Find a neighborhood girl who you really like to call for daye nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

You just have to. Maybe they don't want to watch the other grandkids but feel pressured to do so. Maybe they have girls who are easy and you have rambunctious boys. Doesn't matter. Life isn't fair. You aren't being fair to ask for free babysitting. Find a neighborhood girl who you really like to call for daye nights.

We do have several nice neighborhood girls who babysit. That's not a big deal. It's more just the blatant favoritism. But I guess some of you think there is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

Look at it this way, OP. Your ILs weren't there for you in raising your kids so you and your kids don't have to feel obligated to reciprocate later in life. Let SIL and her grown kids take the responsibility for schlepping the ILs around and helping them in their old age. What goes around comes around.

Um, wow. Did those ILs raise their actual children? One of whom OP married? I'm glad I'm not related to you.

We've been helping them financially for years and DH does what he can to run errands for them. Other than that, we have had to manage on our own and are there for our kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your SIL needs more help? As in, you are more capable and together than she is?

I have a similar dynamic with my sister (my mom visits her 3 times for every 1 visit here, they talk every day versus me 1x per week) and it used to sting a lot.

However I have become more and more aware that my mom has taken on an almost co-dependant role with my sister, from giving advice about her marriage, how she raises her children, friend issues, you name it and my sister can't make a decision without her input. Her life is very chaotic and stressed, her marriage is just okay, and her kids have some behavior issues.

I have learned to be thankful that I don't need or am perceived to need that level of help/involvement.

Is it possible that is going on in your scenario too?

[Anonymous]

You may have answered this already but how old are your kids vs. SIL's kids? Are they older and thus easier to take care of?

I know it's hard not to compare OP and I face similar "contests" on both sides of my family. DH also has a flexible job so it is always assumed that we have things taken care of on snow/sick days so my mom doesn't bother to ask if we need help. Meanwhile, she is on the phone with my sister when the first flake hits the ground asking if she needs coverage. And she spends about 50% or more of the summer watching my nieces. My ILs, who used to live close by, moved about 6 hours away two years ago to be closer to my BIL, who didn't have any kids yet. I think they were hoping that BIL and his new wife would have a baby so they wanted to be closer to them (despite the fact they already had grand kids here). SIL announced last month that they were not planning to have kids (which she told me before they were engaged so not a surprise). Now, MIL is all pissed that she is so far from her "grandbabies". Oh well!

[Anonymous]

Agree with other pps about codependency. Just be glad you and DH can handle your children and household by yourselves. Hire help when you need it and keep your autonomy.

[Anonymous]

To me, it sounds like your SIL's reliance on the her parents isn't outside the parameters of what they said was okay. You just took a more conservative interpretation. If my mom had said she wasn't up for being my regular childcare, but was available for occasional sitting, then I'd count snow days and a few teacher development days as part of the deal. Maybe you were more conservative in your interpretation because you're not as comfortable with her, which makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

You just have to. Maybe they don't want to watch the other grandkids but feel pressured to do so. Maybe they have girls who are easy and you have rambunctious boys. Doesn't matter. Life isn't fair. You aren't being fair to ask for free babysitting. Find a neighborhood girl who you really like to call for daye nights.

We do have several nice neighborhood girls who babysit. That's not a big deal. It's more just the blatant favoritism. But I guess some of you think there is nothing wrong with that.

No, some of us think it may not be blatant favoritism. There could be a lot of other complexities involved that are not out and out favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

This is so true from my experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with other pps about codependency. Just be glad you and DH can handle your children and household by yourselves. Hire help when you need it and keep your autonomy.

+10000

OP, this is so true. Codependency is rampant in DH's family. MIL and SILs still hurt DH ( a *lot*), yet still manage to make it about them. These people will never change. Don't expect them to change.

Be glad you are not part of their nonsense, seriously. If SIL wasn't favored, DH would not be as successful as he is now (same is true in my own family, BTW)!

Favoritism helps NO ONE - least of all, the favored. Believe me when I tell you this.

[Anonymous]

I'd be hurt, too, OP. Any way for your DH to raise this with his parents, just in a kind of inquiring way about why they seem so willing to spend so much more time with their other grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Count your lucky stars. My ILs would be happiest with a court-awarded custody schedule. They insert themselves into every parenting decision, flip out if they're told it's not a good time to pick up the kids, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have a very similar scenario, and, like you, it's bigger than just the childcare. SIL getting better treatment than DH extends to all aspects of life. But regarding the babysitting specifically, I think it comes down to a few things:

1) Gmas are naturally more comfortable with their daughters children as they feel more comfortable with their parenting decisions, or at least more comfortable discussing them.
2) SIL is a selfish person and doesn't mind putting people out.
3) SIL's kids are older and hence a bit easier to watch.

I don't have a brilliant solution for you. We've tried asking more. We've also tried expecting less. To be honest, my relationship with MIL/FIL is probably strained beyond repair at this point. I can be civil to them but there's no warmness there, and I have gotten to the point that I avoid them when possible and let DH interact with them himself. The thing that has kept me from totally severing ties is that I don't want to create another stress for DH. Maybe that's how you can "let it go" as you seem to want to do... think of it as a kindness to DH.

But I tell you my whole story to assure you that you aren't crazy, you aren't alone, you aren't being unreasonable, etc. I think this is a common scenario, however unfortunate.