When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...

[Anonymous]

How to deal with the hurt feelings? My inlaws retired here and made it very clear to everyone they didn't plan to do a lot of babysitting. Occasional was fine but not regularly. Fine, whatever.

But in the year they've been here my SIL (their daughter) has bascially used them for every teacher workday, Snowday, kid sick day, gap in camp weeks, etc. Not to mention going away with her husband several weekends.

We've used them very sparingly, maybe 4 date nights in a year.

Husband says "if we can't beat 'em, join 'em." I don't know. They made their feelings plain and have not come back and said "turns out we can babysit more often."

I know I have to just get over it. They are watching them AGAIN today.

[Anonymous]

If they aren't turning you down, your hurt feelings are basically your own fault.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they ask and you don't.
Maybe they enjoy it more than they thought they would. Maybe they hate that SIL asks all the time, but feel obligated. Have your husband talk to them.

[Anonymous]

You can't get upset without knowing more. DH needs to talk to them.

[Anonymous]

She asks and you don't. You're right - you need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

The "fine, whatever" comment speaks volumes. You seem to feel entitled to it, which is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they aren't turning you down, your hurt feelings are basically your own fault.

Well, I don't usually ask them for work reasons (my husband has a lot of flexibility) but they do turn us down quite often if we ask for personal/social reasons. They keep an active social calendar booked way in advance but seem only willing to cancel their activities for SIL.

But as I write this I am realizing my real issue is that I feel like in general about everything SIL gets her way above all else. It's more about that than the babysitting. Just writing it down made me see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "fine, whatever" comment speaks volumes. You seem to feel entitled to it, which is wrong.

I don't at all feel entitled to it. I just think whatever they decide to do with their own time, it should be reasonably fair.

[Anonymous]

I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.

I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to deal with the hurt feelings? My inlaws retired here and made it very clear to everyone they didn't plan to do a lot of babysitting. Occasional was fine but not regularly. Fine, whatever.

But in the year they've been here my SIL (their daughter) has bascially used them for every teacher workday, Snowday, kid sick day, gap in camp weeks, etc. Not to mention going away with her husband several weekends.

We've used them very sparingly, maybe 4 date nights in a year.

Husband says "if we can't beat 'em, join 'em." I don't know. They made their feelings plain and have not come back and said "turns out we can babysit more often."

I know I have to just get over it. They are watching them AGAIN today.

+1

OP, my MIL pulled this stunt, too. She is just selfish and mean. Turns out, we were better off finding someone who is not lazy to watch our kids - because all MIL would do is read the comics (to herself - *not* the kids!) anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, try asking them if they will be available on a certain date. If not, keep trying. If after a few months of this, they keep saying no, you can either ask why or you can find your own sitter.

I get it, it is rude of your MIL to not be equal. But some people are just rude. Now you know.

[Anonymous]

My mom watches my sister's kids and I don't mind because there are always strings attached. Does your sil do more for your inlaws? My sister does and I am very grateful they found a system that works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go. [/quote

It's also easier to tell your daughter that her kids are bratty or ill-behaved than it is to tell your daughter-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom watches my sister's kids and I don't mind because there are always strings attached. Does your sil do more for your inlaws? My sister does and I am very grateful they found a system that works for them.

No in fact the opposite. We live 15 mins away and SIL lives 45. We are always over there helping them with stuff.