Brother is more successful than husband

[Anonymous]

It is classic bully behavior. Could you talk to them now - with distance on your side - and ask why they insist on picking on your DH? For example, ask your mom why she feels it is important to compare the two men. Remind her that DH is a good husband and father and his work success does not define him. Ask her what she gets out of putting him down. If she cannot hold her tongue, just be honest that you will likely spend less and less time with them because 1. You don't need to be hounded and 2. Your kids should not have to be subjected to belittling talk about their father.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't even have to be a bitch to start setting some boundaries with your family. I think you've got it in your head that you're either a doormat or a bitch. That's what keeps people under the thumb of relatives who bully them.

Once I set some boundaries with my mom things got so much better. Of course it was easier than what you have to do but she got very angry when I told her I didn't want to hear her complain about my father on the phone. Eventually I was able to have a closer relationship with her but only once I could do it on my terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is classic bully behavior. Could you talk to them now - with distance on your side - and ask why they insist on picking on your DH? For example, ask your mom why she feels it is important to compare the two men. Remind her that DH is a good husband and father and his work success does not define him. Ask her what she gets out of putting him down. If she cannot hold her tongue, just be honest that you will likely spend less and less time with them because 1. You don't need to be hounded and 2. Your kids should not have to be subjected to belittling talk about their father.

I already know why they compare them. DH and my brother and father all talk shop a lot - I don't think you can help it in their "industry". Aside from that, I really don't want to discuss it with her. I don't want to confront her about spending less time with them, but I'm going to take another PP's advice and be really busy this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't even have to be a bitch to start setting some boundaries with your family. I think you've got it in your head that you're either a doormat or a bitch.

Also, this is totally correct. I think I even started a thread here once about balancing between bitchy and doormat. I suck at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.

Op, this suggests years of dysfunction. Look up golden child/scapegoat and see if it applies to your family. There's a lot wrong here, and I feel like you're only beginning to clue into it.

Maybe? I was the perfect older child, but nothing was ever good enough. I don't feel like a scapegoat for anything, though. My brother is lucky his path didn't end him in jail, but they've sure crowed about his successes his entire life. So I guess he's the golden child? That's so strange, because he was always skipping school and partying underage, having casual sex, whatever. Things I never even considered doing. Can the person who breaks all the rules still be the golden child?

Prodigal son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job, op?

Yes, I work full time. I don't know why that's relevant, though.

Very few working women I know what referred to their husband as a "provider." I also think people who work know how nuanced these things can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job, op?

Yes, I work full time. I don't know why that's relevant, though.

Very few working women I know what referred to their husband as a "provider." I also think people who work know how nuanced these things can be.

Would refer, not what refer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job, op?

Yes, I work full time. I don't know why that's relevant, though.

Very few working women I know what referred to their husband as a "provider." I also think people who work know how nuanced these things can be.

I do not refer to him as a provider, my mother does. Sorry that was unclear in my initial post.

[Anonymous]

I don't suppose there's any way of convincing these people that my husband isn't a failure and my brother isn't as amazing as he seems?

No, and it isn't important to convince them of that. The only reason that this is feeling so bad to you is that you care what they think of your DH as compared to your brother. You need to care less, ignore it as long as they are not being overtly rude, and politely but assertively shut it down when thy are. For example, you say your mom said:

how it's just too bad that my husband can't be successful and he must have done something to end up where he did.

My response would be, "mom, DH is a good person and has a good job. I don't feel he's successful, and I think its rude for you to say he is. Let's try to have a nice holiday and talk about something besides work."

Some of what they are doing sounds really inappropriate, but some of it sounds like you are having a bad reaction because you are jealous. You say you were annoyed because your mom called to tell you your brother got a promotion and to send a card - I wouldn't send a card because it is old fashioned, but I'd email my sister to say congrats if she got a promotion. That really doesn't have anything to do with your husband, other than the fact that they happen to be in the same field.

Life is not a contest. I work, but am not nearly as successful as most of the people I went to graduate school with because I took time off to SAH. I have a decent job, and there's no reason to feel bad about it or compare myself to other people. I don't need to be as successful as them to be happy or a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Some of what they are doing sounds really inappropriate, but some of it sounds like you are having a bad reaction because you are jealous. You say you were annoyed because your mom called to tell you your brother got a promotion and to send a card - I wouldn't send a card because it is old fashioned, but I'd email my sister to say congrats if she got a promotion. That really doesn't have anything to do with your husband, other than the fact that they happen to be in the same field.

Well yes, I am jealous - you would be too if you watched someone who was not a good person on the fast track, protected from on high.

[Anonymous]

Op, check out this website and see if it resonates with you. I feel like this issue may be the tip of a dysfunctional iceberg.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't even have to be a bitch to start setting some boundaries with your family. I think you've got it in your head that you're either a doormat or a bitch. That's what keeps people under the thumb of relatives who bully them.

Once I set some boundaries with my mom things got so much better. Of course it was easier than what you have to do but she got very angry when I told her I didn't want to hear her complain about my father on the phone. Eventually I was able to have a closer relationship with her but only once I could do it on my terms.

+1

This!

[Anonymous]

Exactly what industry is this and do you all live in the same small city or something? The only reason bro and your family know that your DH isn't being groomed for the next step is likely bc you told them. As for - what will you do in 10 yrs - questions, can't DH play it off as in - this job has been fine for the first 15 yrs of my career but I'd shoot myself if I had to do it forever, it's not my real passion. Then when asked about real passion - go with - when I make a change, you'll be the first to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.

Op, this suggests years of dysfunction. Look up golden child/scapegoat and see if it applies to your family. There's a lot wrong here, and I feel like you're only beginning to clue into it.

Maybe? I was the perfect older child, but nothing was ever good enough. I don't feel like a scapegoat for anything, though. My brother is lucky his path didn't end him in jail, but they've sure crowed about his successes his entire life. So I guess he's the golden child? That's so strange, because he was always skipping school and partying underage, having casual sex, whatever. Things I never even considered doing. Can the person who breaks all the rules still be the golden child?

Absolutely. The golden child had no limits. All was forgiven. The scapegoat would never be good enough, no matter how hard they tried. It describes a specific family dynamic that appears applicable to your situation.

[Anonymous]

Op, you give a lot of excuses, didn't have a car, car seat, etc. You could have left, called a cab, screw the car seat. If anyone insulted my husband I would tell them off and be gone, just like that. Where are your loyalties?