Brother is more successful than husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I think it might help you.

I think the key for you would be to stay calm in the moment. Like others pointed out, rather than sulking, to instead go and play with the 3yo. A line needs to be drawn. Your family has a really messed up dynamic, and I think you may not see it clearly because it's what you grew up with. I wouldn't visit with people who insulted my husband. In your shoes I'd skip the next holiday and let them know why. Let them think you're a bitch.

We are definitely planning on skipping the next holiday.

I posted today because my mom called about brother's latest promotion and told me I needed to send a card. How about no.

I hate to tell you this, OP, but they are not going to change. There's nothing you can do about their behavior except politely tell them how it makes you feel, and limit your contact with them. If you've already told your parents that their bragging about your brother makes you and your husband feel badly, and yet your mother persists in calling you and bragging about your brother, and insists that you congratulate him as well, then really, nothing you can say is going to make your mom change her behavior. She's either unable or unwilling to see things from your point of view. You are beating your head against a brick wall, and you're only going to end up with a broken head. The wall is not going to move.

Sorry you have to put up with this, OP. It must be very painful to you and to your DH. Keep standing up to your relatives, but the best approach would be to limit your contact as much as possible, and if asked why you don't see much of them, explain, politely, that their excessive bragging about your brother upsets you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly what industry is this and do you all live in the same small city or something? The only reason bro and your family know that your DH isn't being groomed for the next step is likely bc you told them. As for - what will you do in 10 yrs - questions, can't DH play it off as in - this job has been fine for the first 15 yrs of my career but I'd shoot myself if I had to do it forever, it's not my real passion. Then when asked about real passion - go with - when I make a change, you'll be the first to know.

We don't all live in the same city, and I don't want to get specific on the industry, but my brother knows about DH because promotions are fairly public in their "company" and he knows DH didn't get the last promotion he went up for. Which yes, means he had to go looking for the information.

And to the person who asked if I couldn't have left without a car seat, no. I'm not driving my child around without a carseat, so I guess that means my loyalty is to my child (and to my drivers license, since it's illegal). Are you crazy?

I'm going to read more about the golden child/scapegoat thing.

[Anonymous]

Stop making excuses and stand up for your family. You don't have to be a bitch about it. "Mom, your comments are really rude. My husband is a wonderful man, and I'm not going to sit here while you insult him." Then, don't. Whenever you visit them, make sure you have an escape route, so you have no excuse not to leave if they refuse to stop insulting your husband.

[Anonymous]

So your husband currently holds the higher position, but your brother has more "potential"? I would take your family's comparisons as an attempt to make brother feel better about the fact that he's behind. They're just praising him for his potential, rather than acknowledging your husband's accomplishments to date. As it stands today, your husband is further ahead in this non-existent competition.

I'd say something like "so glad you're on a good trajectory, brother. I'm sure great things are ahead for you." and leave it at that. Your husband already has those great things - no need to rub it in everyone's face, they already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your husband currently holds the higher position, but your brother has more "potential"? I would take your family's comparisons as an attempt to make brother feel better about the fact that he's behind. They're just praising him for his potential, rather than acknowledging your husband's accomplishments to date. As it stands today, your husband is further ahead in this non-existent competition.

I'd say something like "so glad you're on a good trajectory, brother. I'm sure great things are ahead for you." and leave it at that. Your husband already has those great things - no need to rub it in everyone's face, they already know.

Interesting spin, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making excuses and stand up for your family. You don't have to be a bitch about it. "Mom, your comments are really rude. My husband is a wonderful man, and I'm not going to sit here while you insult him." Then, don't. Whenever you visit them, make sure you have an escape route, so you have no excuse not to leave if they refuse to stop insulting your husband.

Yes, I realize now that trapping myself with them isn't a good thing. By the way, this usually only happens when my brother is also visiting.

[Anonymous]

Some of what they are doing sounds really inappropriate, but some of it sounds like you are having a bad reaction because you are jealous. You say you were annoyed because your mom called to tell you your brother got a promotion and to send a card - I wouldn't send a card because it is old fashioned, but I'd email my sister to say congrats if she got a promotion. That really doesn't have anything to do with your husband, other than the fact that they happen to be in the same field.

Well yes, I am jealous - you would be too if you watched someone who was not a good person on the fast track, protected from on high.

I really try not to get too involved in thinking about things going on for other people and whether they deserve it, I deserve it more, etc. It is just a useless waste of energy and life doesn't work that way most of the time anyway.

[Anonymous]

I read the first three pages of comments, then skipped to the end to post. Decrease or limit or eliminate contact until your family gets the picture that it is NOT ok to insult: a) the man their daughter/sister chose to marry, and b) the father of their grand child/ nephew/niece. You and your DH are adults and can recognize unacceptable rudeness, but your child cannot. This will impact their self esteem if you don't find a way to eliminate this from their environment. I speak as someone who was the child whose parents both were ridiculed but other adults who should have known better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the high road but be persistent. "Please don't insult my husband."

If it weren't about the job it would be about something else, and these people need to be called out on their rudeness. In my family it's all about how some people are too fat or their houses aren't nice enough. It's self-righteous and rude and it's not how families should act toward one another.

This. This is what I say. My husband is an internist and he does quite well but it seems never enough for his family. But my SIL's husband (DH's younger sister) is a surgeon, and this is something she likes to mention at every instance. "Well, my DH, being a SURGEON, is never home for dinner" etc. etc. And has said something to me like 'Well, you don't understand because your DH is just a generalist". etc. etc. Its really annoying. She likes to put down her brother, I think because she is not in medicine, didn't get into med school? I don't know. Some sort of insecurity where she lives through her DH. So I just keep saying calmly 'Please stop insulting my husband". For the most part, saying this calmly, repeatedly, like a broken record, works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly what industry is this and do you all live in the same small city or something? The only reason bro and your family know that your DH isn't being groomed for the next step is likely bc you told them. As for - what will you do in 10 yrs - questions, can't DH play it off as in - this job has been fine for the first 15 yrs of my career but I'd shoot myself if I had to do it forever, it's not my real passion. Then when asked about real passion - go with - when I make a change, you'll be the first to know.

We don't all live in the same city, and I don't want to get specific on the industry, but my brother knows about DH because promotions are fairly public in their "company" and he knows DH didn't get the last promotion he went up for. Which yes, means he had to go looking for the information.

And to the person who asked if I couldn't have left without a car seat, no. I'm not driving my child around without a carseat, so I guess that means my loyalty is to my child (and to my drivers license, since it's illegal). Are you crazy?

I'm going to read more about the golden child/scapegoat thing.

What about the last part? Can't he play it off like this isn't a forever industry for him, he wants for more?

[Anonymous]

Doesn't this sound like -- my DH went up for partner at his firm and didn't make it and doesn't know what he's going to do but is still a 9th yr associate, whereas my hotshot bro is a 4th yr whose being promised partnership at HIS firm and thus thinks he has it made?

I say pick a mantra and go with it -- something like "pls stop talking about my DH" and then at some point, what goes around may come around. Lots of us were hotshots at one point or another, when he gets to your DH's seniority, he can see if he gets promoted or not.