Teens and grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

Likewise. My parents never would have let me get away with that. It's very rude. Grandparents are only in town for a few days, you can suck it up and see them - even if you are not close.

NP. Family or not, no one is entitled to anyone else's time or attention. I would never want to spend time with someone on that basis or have someone forced to spend time with me when they would rather choose something else. All relationships and interactions should be as voluntary and consensual as is practically possible. At that age, my kids can make their own choices... I wouldn't get involved beyond facilitating whatever level of contact with the grandparents is practical and mutually desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most teenagers have awkward relationships with their grandparents. You are projecting the reasons for it completely, however.

Not true. My DCs have a fantastic, completely NOT awkward relationship with their grand parents, and it's because they live near by and have been involved I their lives since birth. They are 14 and 16 and are out shopping with grandma now, while I'm at work ?

Is there a definition of most that I'm not aware of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most teenagers have awkward relationships with their grandparents. You are projecting the reasons for it completely, however.

Not true. My DCs have a fantastic, completely NOT awkward relationship with their grand parents, and it's because they live near by and have been involved I their lives since birth. They are 14 and 16 and are out shopping with grandma now, while I'm at work ?

Is there a definition of most that I'm not aware of?

Your kids aren't "most". Many if not most kids enjoy their grandparents at any age- provided a relationship has been nurtured.
Tired of reading these bulllshit responses that some grandparents don't like little kids. Well too bad.
You don't get to have it both ways.
Seems like the chickens have come to roost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

Likewise. My parents never would have let me get away with that. It's very rude. Grandparents are only in town for a few days, you can suck it up and see them - even if you are not close.

NP. Family or not, no one is entitled to anyone else's time or attention. I would never want to spend time with someone on that basis or have someone forced to spend time with me when they would rather choose something else. All relationships and interactions should be as voluntary and consensual as is practically possible. At that age, my kids can make their own choices... I wouldn't get involved beyond facilitating whatever level of contact with the grandparents is practical and mutually desired.

I disagree. At that age kids are still learning manners, or should be. When someone comes to visit you, it is rude to see them for 5 minutes and leave. We all have to do things we don't want to do. Teenagers are not exempt from this. Their friends will still be there next week. Grandparents will not. No-brainer. I'm not saying they have to spend every waking minute with them, but a few hours plus meals won't kill them. They can go out with their friends at 9 pm after the old folks settle in for the night.

[Anonymous]

OP, new poster here who has lots of weird extended family dynamics going on with grandparents and grandkids.

I think you owe it to your kids to teach them to have good relationships with their extended family. Barring dysfunctional or abusive treatment, of course. I would not link failure to babysit with their relationships with the grandkids, though. They are two different things. Good relationships can be fostered in other ways. My mother had zero interest in babysitting but we do a lot of other things together. Invited her to piano recitals, concerts, go to plays together, and do some family vacations. You can find something that works for your family.

If you don't teach your kids family is important, they have a big chance of not seeing their own grandkids as important in the future. Set the family values you want your kids to inherent, and that means facilitating time with their grandparents now, even after years of nothing. That doesn't mean keep them from their friends, but find an appropriate balance of time spent with family, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

the teens don't perceive this as a visit from the grandparents to THEM, but a visit from the grandparents to the parents
I've had a somewhat similar situation. My exILs were very very hands-on with their first grandchild from infancy, took him everywhere, for weeks. With my kids, there has been 1 sleepover in 15 years...Now that first grandchild is an adult and off doing his own thing, and the grandparents are asking to see my kids. My kids aren't pressed about it though, as the grandparents are peripheral to them as teens. Even I, who live with them and raised them, would be lucky to have their company for an entire day...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most teenagers have awkward relationships with their grandparents. You are projecting the reasons for it completely, however.

Not true. My DCs have a fantastic, completely NOT awkward relationship with their grand parents, and it's because they live near by and have been involved I their lives since birth. They are 14 and 16 and are out shopping with grandma now, while I'm at work ?

+1 I was extremely close to one of my grandmas growing up and loved hanging out with her even as a teen. She was extremely involved in our lives so there was nothing awkward about her relationship with her grandkids.

OP, I get why you're upset. The grandparents sound very self-involved. I understand wanting to just let things be and even telling MIL why they don't have a relationship with your kids. However, I think this is an instance where it's best to let the past be the past and help the in-laws foster relationships with their grandkids. I'm not saying you have to do all of the work, but you can try to help them find ways for them to connect with your kids. I think in the end this will be a positive for everyone involved, your in-laws, the kids, and you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

Likewise. My parents never would have let me get away with that. It's very rude. Grandparents are only in town for a few days, you can suck it up and see them - even if you are not close.

NP. Family or not, no one is entitled to anyone else's time or attention. I would never want to spend time with someone on that basis or have someone forced to spend time with me when they would rather choose something else. All relationships and interactions should be as voluntary and consensual as is practically possible. At that age, my kids can make their own choices... I wouldn't get involved beyond facilitating whatever level of contact with the grandparents is practical and mutually desired.

I disagree. At that age kids are still learning manners, or should be. When someone comes to visit you, it is rude to see them for 5 minutes and leave. We all have to do things we don't want to do. Teenagers are not exempt from this. Their friends will still be there next week. Grandparents will not. No-brainer. I'm not saying they have to spend every waking minute with them, but a few hours plus meals won't kill them. They can go out with their friends at 9 pm after the old folks settle in for the night.

This, but what I have noticed from reading the family forum over the years is that many of the posters here never learned basic manners or even human decency. It is no wonder that they feel their children need not behave in an appropriate manner either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think about this?

DH's parents have never been involved in our lives. When we had little kids, they had just retired and were very into their own social lives and traveling the world. At a time when we were really struggling with two jobs and a family, they never once offered to babysit or offered to help in some other way. We saw them VERY occasionally for a few hours on holidays for years. Fine. Whatever. It was irritating at the time and I felt bad for DH (who I believe was embarrassed and disappointed by how cold and selfish his parents turned out to be) but we accepted it and moved on. Now however, they are slowing down and want to see their grandchildren. Unfortunately for them the grandchildren are now 15 and almost 17 and have very little (ok no) desire to spend time with them. I can tell that they feel awkward and uncomfortable in the presence of two old people who are basically strangers to them. There is no love or family feeling between them but then again why should there be? DH's parents made next to no effort to get to know them back when they were young and open to the possibility. DH's mother had the nerve to rebuke me for this over Christmas because I let the kids leave after lunch to see their friends.

I felt like saying to her, where have you been for the past 15 years?! If you had put in the time and effort to actually build a relationship with them then, perhaps they'd want to spend time me with you now. If she brings this up again, should I say this to her? I honestly can't believe her nerve and self centeredness. You reap what you sew bitch.

1.look up the difference between "sew" and "sow."

2. You sound happy that your children are giving their grandparents what you think they deserve.

3. You are a mean-spirited, hateful, hate-filled person and you will reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

^^^ so generous of spirit to be a sanctimonious jerk on an anonymous Internet forum. Happy holidays a-hole!

[Anonymous]

I'm team teen. Most teens do not want to hang out ALL DAY with their relatives. They are on break from school and need time to blow off steam. Grandparents should ask them what they want to do. Bowling, movies, lunch out or shopping.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, dcum loves rushing to judgment, but there is obviously a lot of history that none of us can fully grasp. So I am not here to determine if you are right or wrong. I certainly understand why you feel hurt but we don't have the grandparents' perspective. Who knows - maybe they had overbearing parents when their kids were little, or they have seen their friends destroy relationships with kids and grandkids by being invasive. So they thought they were doing the right thing by giving you space. Who knows.

But I agree with you that you reap what you sow. So take a close look at what you are teaching your kids. YOU might soon be the grandparents and you don't want to teach them that grandparents can be cut out of your life if you don't agree with the way they do things. Because I guarantee your kids will find something to hate about your grandparenting style!

So I would just sit back and let what happens happen. I see no reason to insert yourself into this. I would not stop them from visiting and I would leave it to them and the kids to work out their relationship moving forward. They have alot of time to make up for, but maybe they are up for it and will end up having a decent relationship with them. Kids and young adults have a lot to deal with and their world is bigger and more complex than ours was. They need all the unconditional love they can get so please don't deprive them of a grandparents love, no matter how flawed they are.

As for leaving to see friends, I would never let my kids leave relatives to see friends unless maybe they already had plans made before we knew of the visitors. It'sjust good manners.

[Anonymous]

Op most of the people on this forum are old ladies themselves who've been ditched by their grandchildren. You are exactly right when you say that you reap what you sow.

The old hag population of DCUM gives a permanent free pass to boomer grandparents. Ignore them. You're totally right.

Boomers are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op most of the people on this forum are old ladies themselves who've been ditched by their grandchildren. You are exactly right when you say that you reap what you sow.

The old hag population of DCUM gives a permanent free pass to boomer grandparents. Ignore them. You're totally right.

Boomers are the worst.

People like you give millennials a bad name.

--Gen X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op most of the people on this forum are old ladies themselves who've been ditched by their grandchildren. You are exactly right when you say that you reap what you sow.

The old hag population of DCUM gives a permanent free pass to boomer grandparents. Ignore them. You're totally right.

Boomers are the worst.

People like you give millennials a bad name.

--Gen X

People like you give Gen X a bad name.

-- PP who is not a millennial.