Teens and grandparents

[Anonymous]

What do you think about this?

DH's parents have never been involved in our lives. When we had little kids, they had just retired and were very into their own social lives and traveling the world. At a time when we were really struggling with two jobs and a family, they never once offered to babysit or offered to help in some other way. We saw them VERY occasionally for a few hours on holidays for years. Fine. Whatever. It was irritating at the time and I felt bad for DH (who I believe was embarrassed and disappointed by how cold and selfish his parents turned out to be) but we accepted it and moved on. Now however, they are slowing down and want to see their grandchildren. Unfortunately for them the grandchildren are now 15 and almost 17 and have very little (ok no) desire to spend time with them. I can tell that they feel awkward and uncomfortable in the presence of two old people who are basically strangers to them. There is no love or family feeling between them but then again why should there be? DH's parents made next to no effort to get to know them back when they were young and open to the possibility. DH's mother had the nerve to rebuke me for this over Christmas because I let the kids leave after lunch to see their friends.

I felt like saying to her, where have you been for the past 15 years?! If you had put in the time and effort to actually build a relationship with them then, perhaps they'd want to spend time me with you now. If she brings this up again, should I say this to her? I honestly can't believe her nerve and self centeredness. You reap what you sew bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound glad that your kids have no desire to see their grandparents. Like it's payback for how they treated you or something.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are sad. And mean. By the way, it's sow, not sew.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm not "glad" but I'm not surprised either. I think it's ridiculous that they expect some warm and loving relationship now when they suddenly want one seemingly out of the blue when they didn't put any effort it at all for most of their lives. Relationships don't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Np here. I don't blame you op. You do get what you give in life. They gave nothing so they get nothing. Seems pretty self explanatory to me. I don't think you have to spell it out for her.

[Anonymous]

You have to ask your DH if he wants his children to have a relationship with his parents. Look forward not back. Facilitate it if he says yes.

[Anonymous]

It would be your husband's place to say that to his parents, not yours.

Old people are people too, and all people make mistakes. I don't think it would be bad to teach your kids compassion and say "Look, clearly they screwed up in developing a relationship with you when you were young. But you can't change the past, you can only go forward. They want a relationship now. Be a nice kid and FaceTime them each week for ten minutes. It's not like you're solving world hunger and too busy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to ask your DH if he wants his children to have a relationship with his parents. Look forward not back. Facilitate it if he says yes.

He doesn't care and I suspect she knows it which is why she said something to me.

[Anonymous]

Not too late for them to get to know each other. Suggest activities that your kids would actually enjoy doing and the grandparents could enjoy watching or could keep up with. Grandparents weren't ready then, but are now. As a result, they have to put in extra effort. Your kids can still benefit from the relationship.

[Anonymous]

You sound cold, mean, and bitter. And your kids will turn out the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be your husband's place to say that to his parents, not yours.

Old people are people too, and all people make mistakes. I don't think it would be bad to teach your kids compassion and say "Look, clearly they screwed up in developing a relationship with you when you were young. But you can't change the past, you can only go forward. They want a relationship now. Be a nice kid and FaceTime them each week for ten minutes. It's not like you're solving world hunger and too busy."

Yes, old people are people too. Which is why if the grandparents want a relationship, they need to reach out to the teens tell them they are sorry they weren't around earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be your husband's place to say that to his parents, not yours.

Old people are people too, and all people make mistakes. I don't think it would be bad to teach your kids compassion and say "Look, clearly they screwed up in developing a relationship with you when you were young. But you can't change the past, you can only go forward. They want a relationship now. Be a nice kid and FaceTime them each week for ten minutes. It's not like you're solving world hunger and too busy."

Yes, old people are people too. Which is why if the grandparents want a relationship, they need to reach out to the teens tell them they are sorry they weren't around earlier.

I agree that the grandparents screwed up. But I'm very wise, and have learned that it helps nobody when EITHER party stands on ceremony. OP can't control the grandparents. She has some amount of control over her own children. So she should encourage them to not stand on ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Why should your inlaws have had the responsibility of babysitting your children or "helping out"? Isn't that your responsibility when you decided to have children? They raised their children and they wanted to travel and do some things they enjoyed, and likely put off raising their own family, while they had their health and the funds to do so. What seems selfish is to ask them to put off reaching for their dreams while they still could so you would not be inconvenienced by your own children. You sound very entitled, bitter, jealous and nasty, op. Perhaps they didn't come around because of your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should your inlaws have had the responsibility of babysitting your children or "helping out"? Isn't that your responsibility when you decided to have children? They raised their children and they wanted to travel and do some things they enjoyed, and likely put off raising their own family, while they had their health and the funds to do so. What seems selfish is to ask them to put off reaching for their dreams while they still could so you would not be inconvenienced by your own children. You sound very entitled, bitter, jealous and nasty, op. Perhaps they didn't come around because of your attitude.

I disagree. Grandparents can travel the world and come visit and be a part of the family for a week here and there. I wouldn't want to hang out with them either if I were the teens, and I would be grateful for parents who didn't push it.

Facetime once a week for ten minutes? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should your inlaws have had the responsibility of babysitting your children or "helping out"? Isn't that your responsibility when you decided to have children? They raised their children and they wanted to travel and do some things they enjoyed, and likely put off raising their own family, while they had their health and the funds to do so. What seems selfish is to ask them to put off reaching for their dreams while they still could so you would not be inconvenienced by your own children. You sound very entitled, bitter, jealous and nasty, op. Perhaps they didn't come around because of your attitude.

Agreed.

I also agree with the suggestion of activities your teens would like to do with the grandparents.
Many grandparents are far better with teens than little kids, and sometimes can be a support to you., I know this first hand.
To me it sounds like you don't want to make an effort as some weird and twisted form of payback.
Fine okay. It's your life you relationships. You parent your kids the way you see fit.
In all that I would remember that you reap what you sow doesn't end with MIL and FIL.