Teens and grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

[Anonymous]

OP, most teenagers have awkward relationships with their grandparents. You are projecting the reasons for it completely, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm team teenagers here. Two wrongs don't make a right, but you're telling me that the kids should just forget that the grandparents wanted nothing to do with them when they were kids and all of a sudden it should be water under the bridge? Uh-uh. And your MIL sounds like a real peach to comment on your parenting 15 years after you've been doing a good job.
I think back to my childhood and my grandparents would come to gymnastics meets and dance recitals, or just hang out with us, and it wasn't a case of my parents looking for a handout or free babysitting. My grandparents genuinely wanted to spend time with us and my parents.

Believe it or not I'm team teenagers too, but I also believe OP should be as supportive of the relationship with the grandparents as possible.
This isn't a case where the grandparents were horribly abusive, they didn't visit and babysit as often as OP and her husband thought they should have. Who knows what there side of the story is.
Did OP and her husband ask for help? Were the grandparents willing to help, but got tired of being micromanaged every visit so they figure it would be best to make infrequent visits and wait to the kids were older and less dependent on mom and dad.
I grew up without my grandparents. We lived far from them, they came out from time to time to visit my older siblings, but by the time me and my younger sister were born they didn't visit. They still traveled and did their thing, but they were not a frequent presence in me and my younger siblings life.
I'm in my 30s now, I have only 1 grandmother remaining, and she is in ill health and doesn't know who any of us are. I'm grateful for the little bit of time I did have with her, and if I were to find out my grandparents came to my mother and asked for ways to spend time with me, and my mom didn't try out of her own personal vendetta I would be angry at my mother.
Life is very, very short. How many more healthy years might they have?
OP can choose to be a bigger person.

[Anonymous]

You have a choice of teaching you children compassion and forgiveness or how to be petty.

I doubt you know much about compassion or forgiveness so I don't know if you would be a good teacher.

Not all relationships start an early age, they could build a relationship with their grandparents if you wanted, it seems you don't.

I think you have made up your mind, but I am sure your kids have phones, tell their grandparents to text them directly. Get out of the middle of this. This is what my in laws have to do since their other DIL is a total bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

Well, people come from different places, you know. Literally and figuratively. It's okay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't local and have never babysat for us or "helped out." They see us a few times a year. I'm not sure that the standards you impose on grandparents are realistic or would be met by most grandparents.

Your post is personal and full of venom. Grandparent relationships change over time depending on the age of the child. Some grandparents are good with young kids, some are good with teenagers. That's just fine. Why would you flog them for wanting more involvement? You seem to take pride in limiting this relationship based on some warped principle.

I don't see anything in OP's message that would point to her limiting the relationship, let alone taking pride in it.

The part where she calls them bitches.

She could find a way to help them cultivate a relationship with her kids now if she wanted to, but she doesn't want to because she's angry over the past. Rightly or wrongly two wrongs don't make it right.

She is entitled to her feelings about the situation. Whether this is a case of Schadenfreude is irrelevant. Not being interested in facilitating a relationship is not the same as limiting it. She is under no obligation to work at mending someone else's relationship with her kids. It is the grandparents' job, if they want it. If they need her help, they have to ask for it. BTW, forcing teenagers to forgo a social gathering to hang out with the said grandparents is a non-starter.

Semantics is a game I don't play.

For the bold, where I come from that's called good manners close relationship or not, you don't blow off visitors to "hang out".

Likewise. My parents never would have let me get away with that. It's very rude. Grandparents are only in town for a few days, you can suck it up and see them - even if you are not close.

[Anonymous]

OP, what exactly did she say to you about it?
Did they send birthday cards, call on the phone, ask for photos, ask about the kids a lot and talk enthusiastically about them?

[Anonymous]

Here's my take.

You are holding some sort of grudge against the grandparents for not fulfilling a very specific role in the family life.

The kids are at an age when they don't have much interest in hanging out with the grandparents. That's natural. You are riding on the back of this awkward age to proclaim "See Grandparents! You screwed up permanently and now the kids want nothing to do with you! Hahahahaha!"

These two situations have little to do with one another. Even if your kids had grown up close and loving with their grandparents, they would still blow them off as teenagers.

[Anonymous]

What role do they have with your parents OP? My grandparents are still alive and I think I was closest to them in my 20s. Saw them as really interesting people who lived through the great depression, WWII and just had interesting life stories. Grandma's stories recently (I'm pregnant) about how she delivered her babies with twilight medicine were crazy interesting to me too. She said she was in a room with 8 other women all birthing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not too clear as to where the grandparents live in relationship to you? Are they nearby or a plane ride away?

Also, some folks just don't like kids and hence they wouldn't have volunteered to babysit, and how could they if they lived a plane ride away?

I agree with the posters who say give the g'parents the teen's numbers and let them text. My DS texts with his g'mas. I will remind him to text happy birthday and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what exactly did she say to you about it?
Did they send birthday cards, call on the phone, ask for photos, ask about the kids a lot and talk enthusiastically about them?

This is what I'd want to know.


Op I'm tending toward your side on this. Mil seemed totally out of line.

[Anonymous]

Just remember, OP, your children are watching and learning -from you -how to deal with older parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most teenagers have awkward relationships with their grandparents. You are projecting the reasons for it completely, however.

Not true. My DCs have a fantastic, completely NOT awkward relationship with their grand parents, and it's because they live near by and have been involved I their lives since birth. They are 14 and 16 and are out shopping with grandma now, while I'm at work ?