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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you need to have a very difficult conversation with your spouse. I mentioned that I wanted to have this talk with my own husband, and he avoided and avoided and finally I said, "Baby, I love you and I want us to be crazy happy together. If we do not have this conversation, we will never get there. I am unhappy. I am making you unhappy. We have to talk or we are cooked."

And so we did.

Preface this by saying you love and care about her, your marriage, your children, your family. Say all the nice things about her that made you want to get married to her in the first place, and all the wonderful things that make you still want to be married.  You can say very directly that your bodies have changed, your lives have changed, but you STILL are in this together and you STILL want to be her husband.  Or whatever. The point is to lay down a carpet of love and tenderness so you can return to it when the conversation gets tough.  And definitely return to it.

And then tell her.  Tell her that for your sex is a way to feel close to her, to show her you lover her inside and out, and that it's a way for you to feel loved, too.  How does she feel?  [The point here is NOT TO CHANGE HER MIND. The point here is to listen. Repeat back what she says to you by paraphrasing her words. That helps you be sure you have heard and understood her, and lets her know you have, too. Remember, you do not have to AGREE, just LISTEN and UNDERSTAND].

Once you have laid t all out, your feelings, her feelings, identify the commonalities (you love one another, your family, etc.) and the gaps (for you sex is an important expression of love, for her it is not).  Then find out how you can bridge the gaps.

Start small.  Be concrete.

As I mentioned, I had to be very clear that I did not want to force my husband. I said I was interested in activities, but was willing to completely forgo them if they were too challenging or uninteresting for him.  And I meant it (no point in lying).  He said this, I said that. Etc etc.  In the end, he wanted me to feel loved and cherished, and I was clear that this was an essential element of that. I was NOT ready to be just his roommate.  If this is what we were gunning for, he had to be very honest and clear with me about that, because then I'd have some very difficult decisions to make.  Again, NOT a threat, just very honest.

So if you can have a conversation like this--in fact, it was a series of conversations for us--then you might find yourself heading in the right direction.

Good luck, my friend.  I wish you joy, happiness, and good sex (or whatever) this holiday season. :)[/quote]

OP here. [u]Thank you for this.[/u] I was planning on talking to her sooner rather than later and was not sure where to begin. As someone else suggested, I will also bring up the idea of going and talking to a therapist about this if I am the problem or perhaps we can both go together. [/quote]

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