DH doesn't mind DS smoking hookah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Huh? Most of the kids who were smoking in HS when I was a kid either 1) never went to college or 2) came to college with an already instilled habit - and their parents don't care! You seem to think that a kid who smokes/drinks/parties as a HS teen will somehow be a more responsible young adult? I laugh at that assumption because from what I have seen that is about as far from the truth as it gets. Keep on tellin' yourself that though.

not anymore...many of the top students at my son's school use hookah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smoking is smoking...I don't care by what method the toxins are getting into one's lungs. Regardless of DH's feelings, I'd let my opinion be known and have a talk with DS myself, as to the dangers of smoking. Starting to smoke at an early age isn't exactly ideal, either; perhaps get the child's doctor involved next time DS has a checkup. My DC's pediatrician had a frank discussion with our kids about the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and drugs, and I was happy to have them hear it from someone other than us.

This. The same people saying pick your battles are the same who would go bat shit over cigarettes. Tobacco is tobacco. Have we learned nothing about cancer, emphysema, COPD, etc.?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DS is 17 and he and his friends often smoke on the weekends. He's a good kid, good grades, no problems but I'm not sure about this...

I'm with your husband on this. Pick your battles.

You pick your battles over clothes, hair styles, and piercings. Where the health of a child is concerned it's not something to be flippant about. There is a cancer risk with hookah use. Cancer is a huge deal to me and something to fight about at any age.

So your suggestion is to do what, exactly? Sternly state your disapproval? Have you ever met a 17-year-old?

Yes and I also was one to quote my parents on the subject your life doesn't start till your 18. There are ways to control your 17 year old.

But perhaps your cool with sitting bedside to your 25 year old while he battles cancer.

Lol. Your attitude is the reason why kids go crazy in college, because they can finally try all the things sanctimonious mommy and daddy wouldn't let them try in high school. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate all the difficult choices they must make in life, including the social positives of participating in hookah with friends vs. the negative health effects of smoking. If you categorically say no, your child will never learn the frameworks they need to make solid decisions once you are not around to guide them.

I agree. 17 is not a child and hookah is not cocaine. This is a choice your son can make as part of the growth process, maybe with some boundaries in place (such as only on weekends, not in front of younger siblings). You could also ask him to select non-tobacco hookah as much as possible if that's important to you.

Did the kid ask you before he started experimenting with hookah in the first place? "Mommy, can I smoke Johnny's hookah? Pleeaaasee!!" "Well, o.k. son as long as you stick to the non-tobacco hookah". "Thanks Mommy I will!".

Or did you find about him smoking hookah and THEN you laid down all the rules for "responsible" hookah smoking?

What makes you think he (or his friends) will obey your rules and stick within the parameters that YOU are comfortable with? If he's a little adult who is making decisions for himself why shouldn't he do what he wants to do?

You sound crazy. It sounds like you have never taught your child how to make good decisions, so your only choice of action is to make mocking comments and rule with an iron fist.

No. I'm a person who used to smoke 2 packs a day and went through hell to give that habit up - and I started that habit in college. When I came home from college during breaks I had to sneak around to smoke - no way did I want my parents to know that I was doing that. That sneaking around and the uncomfortable nicotine fits were actually a good incentive for me to quit smoking.

If they had been more laid back and cool about it all I would probably be dead or dying from cigarettes now. Thank you Mom and Dad for caring enough about me to not accept me smoking!

She won't hear you. In her mind the responsibility of parenting a teen is to make sure he or she gets into a good college. Ironically she probably doesn't consider this teen adult enough to choose his degree program, and college without in put from mommy and daddy.
Me personally I'd rather take a hardline with my 17 year old have them be pissed off with me now and alive at 25 and not in hospital asking me questions and my only response is " I didn't want to tell you no."

What weird assumptions to make about me. Smoking hookah with friends is a different dynamic than smoking alone. Drinking with friends = probably social. Drinking alone = you have a problem. Same with smoking. Plus the fact that the 2 (or 1 ?) posters who are making a big deal about this were 1) wild in college due to "your life starts at 18" attitude parents had and b) snuck around to smoke when parents prohibited says a lot about the effectiveness of a hardline approach.

Huh? Most of the kids who were smoking in HS when I was a kid either 1) never went to college or 2) came to college with an already instilled habit - and their parents don't care! You seem to think that a kid who smokes/drinks/parties as a HS teen will somehow be a more responsible young adult? I laugh at that assumption because from what I have seen that is about as far from the truth as it gets. Keep on tellin' yourself that though.

I feel really bad for your kid. It's clear that you don't understand that "hey honey I'm not a fan of this and there are some risks, but you are otherwise responsible, so I'll let you make your own decision" is a nuanced approach that exists between "NO NO NO" and "YES YES YES"

There are some things that parents do need to make the decisions on--that prefrontal lobe isn't yet developed, you know. The laissee faire parenting isn't doing your kids any favors.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DS is 17 and he and his friends often smoke on the weekends. He's a good kid, good grades, no problems but I'm not sure about this...

I'm with your husband on this. Pick your battles.

You pick your battles over clothes, hair styles, and piercings. Where the health of a child is concerned it's not something to be flippant about. There is a cancer risk with hookah use. Cancer is a huge deal to me and something to fight about at any age.

So your suggestion is to do what, exactly? Sternly state your disapproval? Have you ever met a 17-year-old?

Yes and I also was one to quote my parents on the subject your life doesn't start till your 18. There are ways to control your 17 year old.

But perhaps your cool with sitting bedside to your 25 year old while he battles cancer.

Lol. Your attitude is the reason why kids go crazy in college, because they can finally try all the things sanctimonious mommy and daddy wouldn't let them try in high school. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate all the difficult choices they must make in life, including the social positives of participating in hookah with friends vs. the negative health effects of smoking. If you categorically say no, your child will never learn the frameworks they need to make solid decisions once you are not around to guide them.

I agree. 17 is not a child and hookah is not cocaine. This is a choice your son can make as part of the growth process, maybe with some boundaries in place (such as only on weekends, not in front of younger siblings). You could also ask him to select non-tobacco hookah as much as possible if that's important to you.

Did the kid ask you before he started experimenting with hookah in the first place? "Mommy, can I smoke Johnny's hookah? Pleeaaasee!!" "Well, o.k. son as long as you stick to the non-tobacco hookah". "Thanks Mommy I will!".

Or did you find about him smoking hookah and THEN you laid down all the rules for "responsible" hookah smoking?

What makes you think he (or his friends) will obey your rules and stick within the parameters that YOU are comfortable with? If he's a little adult who is making decisions for himself why shouldn't he do what he wants to do?

You sound crazy. It sounds like you have never taught your child how to make good decisions, so your only choice of action is to make mocking comments and rule with an iron fist.

No. I'm a person who used to smoke 2 packs a day and went through hell to give that habit up - and I started that habit in college. When I came home from college during breaks I had to sneak around to smoke - no way did I want my parents to know that I was doing that. That sneaking around and the uncomfortable nicotine fits were actually a good incentive for me to quit smoking.

If they had been more laid back and cool about it all I would probably be dead or dying from cigarettes now. Thank you Mom and Dad for caring enough about me to not accept me smoking!

She won't hear you. In her mind the responsibility of parenting a teen is to make sure he or she gets into a good college. Ironically she probably doesn't consider this teen adult enough to choose his degree program, and college without in put from mommy and daddy.
Me personally I'd rather take a hardline with my 17 year old have them be pissed off with me now and alive at 25 and not in hospital asking me questions and my only response is " I didn't want to tell you no."

What weird assumptions to make about me. Smoking hookah with friends is a different dynamic than smoking alone. Drinking with friends = probably social. Drinking alone = you have a problem. Same with smoking. Plus the fact that the 2 (or 1 ?) posters who are making a big deal about this were 1) wild in college due to "your life starts at 18" attitude parents had and b) snuck around to smoke when parents prohibited says a lot about the effectiveness of a hardline approach.

Huh? Most of the kids who were smoking in HS when I was a kid either 1) never went to college or 2) came to college with an already instilled habit - and their parents don't care! You seem to think that a kid who smokes/drinks/parties as a HS teen will somehow be a more responsible young adult? I laugh at that assumption because from what I have seen that is about as far from the truth as it gets. Keep on tellin' yourself that though.

I feel really bad for your kid. It's clear that you don't understand that "hey honey I'm not a fan of this and there are some risks, but you are otherwise responsible, so I'll let you make your own decision" is a nuanced approach that exists between "NO NO NO" and "YES YES YES"

There are some things that parents do need to make the decisions on--that prefrontal lobe isn't yet developed, you know. The laissee faire parenting isn't doing your kids any favors.

Teens also need the chance to, ya know, be a teen.

[Anonymous]

Being a teen doesn't need to mean smoking and engaging in other risky behaviors.

They may. I can't stop them, but I'm also not going to give them my approval, and pass the buck to them because I don't have a backbone.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is 17 and he and his friends often smoke on the weekends. He's a good kid, good grades, no problems but I'm not sure about this...

I'm with your husband on this. Pick your battles.

You pick your battles over clothes, hair styles, and piercings. Where the health of a child is concerned it's not something to be flippant about. There is a cancer risk with hookah use. Cancer is a huge deal to me and something to fight about at any age.

So your suggestion is to do what, exactly? Sternly state your disapproval? Have you ever met a 17-year-old?

Yes and I also was one to quote my parents on the subject your life doesn't start till your 18. There are ways to control your 17 year old.

But perhaps your cool with sitting bedside to your 25 year old while he battles cancer.

Lol. Your attitude is the reason why kids go crazy in college, because they can finally try all the things sanctimonious mommy and daddy wouldn't let them try in high school. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate all the difficult choices they must make in life, including the social positives of participating in hookah with friends vs. the negative health effects of smoking. If you categorically say no, your child will never learn the frameworks they need to make solid decisions once you are not around to guide them.

I agree. 17 is not a child and hookah is not cocaine. This is a choice your son can make as part of the growth process, maybe with some boundaries in place (such as only on weekends, not in front of younger siblings). You could also ask him to select non-tobacco hookah as much as possible if that's important to you.

Did the kid ask you before he started experimenting with hookah in the first place? "Mommy, can I smoke Johnny's hookah? Pleeaaasee!!" "Well, o.k. son as long as you stick to the non-tobacco hookah". "Thanks Mommy I will!".

Or did you find about him smoking hookah and THEN you laid down all the rules for "responsible" hookah smoking?

What makes you think he (or his friends) will obey your rules and stick within the parameters that YOU are comfortable with? If he's a little adult who is making decisions for himself why shouldn't he do what he wants to do?

You sound crazy. It sounds like you have never taught your child how to make good decisions, so your only choice of action is to make mocking comments and rule with an iron fist.

No. I'm a person who used to smoke 2 packs a day and went through hell to give that habit up - and I started that habit in college. When I came home from college during breaks I had to sneak around to smoke - no way did I want my parents to know that I was doing that. That sneaking around and the uncomfortable nicotine fits were actually a good incentive for me to quit smoking.

If they had been more laid back and cool about it all I would probably be dead or dying from cigarettes now. Thank you Mom and Dad for caring enough about me to not accept me smoking!

She won't hear you. In her mind the responsibility of parenting a teen is to make sure he or she gets into a good college. Ironically she probably doesn't consider this teen adult enough to choose his degree program, and college without in put from mommy and daddy.
Me personally I'd rather take a hardline with my 17 year old have them be pissed off with me now and alive at 25 and not in hospital asking me questions and my only response is " I didn't want to tell you no."

What weird assumptions to make about me. Smoking hookah with friends is a different dynamic than smoking alone. Drinking with friends = probably social. Drinking alone = you have a problem. Same with smoking. Plus the fact that the 2 (or 1 ?) posters who are making a big deal about this were 1) wild in college due to "your life starts at 18" attitude parents had and b) snuck around to smoke when parents prohibited says a lot about the effectiveness of a hardline approach.

Huh? Most of the kids who were smoking in HS when I was a kid either 1) never went to college or 2) came to college with an already instilled habit - and their parents don't care! You seem to think that a kid who smokes/drinks/parties as a HS teen will somehow be a more responsible young adult? I laugh at that assumption because from what I have seen that is about as far from the truth as it gets. Keep on tellin' yourself that though.

I feel really bad for your kid. It's clear that you don't understand that "hey honey I'm not a fan of this and there are some risks, but you are otherwise responsible, so I'll let you make your own decision" is a nuanced approach that exists between "NO NO NO" and "YES YES YES"

You're right. There is nothing "nuanced" about it. The kid is 17 and I don't want him smoking hookah - even if Johnny does it. Even if Johnny's mom thinks it's fine. I know that a 17 year old boy is still growing, his mind is still developing and that hookah is not a healthy habit for him to develop.

If he takes that crap up in college, that will be his choice. But do not expect for me to sit back and watch you hurt your body. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is 17 and he and his friends often smoke on the weekends. He's a good kid, good grades, no problems but I'm not sure about this...

I'm with your husband on this. Pick your battles.

You pick your battles over clothes, hair styles, and piercings. Where the health of a child is concerned it's not something to be flippant about. There is a cancer risk with hookah use. Cancer is a huge deal to me and something to fight about at any age.

So your suggestion is to do what, exactly? Sternly state your disapproval? Have you ever met a 17-year-old?

Yes and I also was one to quote my parents on the subject your life doesn't start till your 18. There are ways to control your 17 year old.

But perhaps your cool with sitting bedside to your 25 year old while he battles cancer.

Lol. Your attitude is the reason why kids go crazy in college, because they can finally try all the things sanctimonious mommy and daddy wouldn't let them try in high school. Your job as a parent is to help your child navigate all the difficult choices they must make in life, including the social positives of participating in hookah with friends vs. the negative health effects of smoking. If you categorically say no, your child will never learn the frameworks they need to make solid decisions once you are not around to guide them.

I agree. 17 is not a child and hookah is not cocaine. This is a choice your son can make as part of the growth process, maybe with some boundaries in place (such as only on weekends, not in front of younger siblings). You could also ask him to select non-tobacco hookah as much as possible if that's important to you.

Did the kid ask you before he started experimenting with hookah in the first place? "Mommy, can I smoke Johnny's hookah? Pleeaaasee!!" "Well, o.k. son as long as you stick to the non-tobacco hookah". "Thanks Mommy I will!".

Or did you find about him smoking hookah and THEN you laid down all the rules for "responsible" hookah smoking?

What makes you think he (or his friends) will obey your rules and stick within the parameters that YOU are comfortable with? If he's a little adult who is making decisions for himself why shouldn't he do what he wants to do?

You sound crazy. It sounds like you have never taught your child how to make good decisions, so your only choice of action is to make mocking comments and rule with an iron fist.

No. I'm a person who used to smoke 2 packs a day and went through hell to give that habit up - and I started that habit in college. When I came home from college during breaks I had to sneak around to smoke - no way did I want my parents to know that I was doing that. That sneaking around and the uncomfortable nicotine fits were actually a good incentive for me to quit smoking.

If they had been more laid back and cool about it all I would probably be dead or dying from cigarettes now. Thank you Mom and Dad for caring enough about me to not accept me smoking!

She won't hear you. In her mind the responsibility of parenting a teen is to make sure he or she gets into a good college. Ironically she probably doesn't consider this teen adult enough to choose his degree program, and college without in put from mommy and daddy.
Me personally I'd rather take a hardline with my 17 year old have them be pissed off with me now and alive at 25 and not in hospital asking me questions and my only response is " I didn't want to tell you no."

What weird assumptions to make about me. Smoking hookah with friends is a different dynamic than smoking alone. Drinking with friends = probably social. Drinking alone = you have a problem. Same with smoking. Plus the fact that the 2 (or 1 ?) posters who are making a big deal about this were 1) wild in college due to "your life starts at 18" attitude parents had and b) snuck around to smoke when parents prohibited says a lot about the effectiveness of a hardline approach.

Huh? Most of the kids who were smoking in HS when I was a kid either 1) never went to college or 2) came to college with an already instilled habit - and their parents don't care! You seem to think that a kid who smokes/drinks/parties as a HS teen will somehow be a more responsible young adult? I laugh at that assumption because from what I have seen that is about as far from the truth as it gets. Keep on tellin' yourself that though.

I feel really bad for your kid. It's clear that you don't understand that "hey honey I'm not a fan of this and there are some risks, but you are otherwise responsible, so I'll let you make your own decision" is a nuanced approach that exists between "NO NO NO" and "YES YES YES"

There are some things that parents do need to make the decisions on--that prefrontal lobe isn't yet developed, you know. The laissee faire parenting isn't doing your kids any favors.

Teens also need the chance to, ya know, be a teen.

Yep. They won't be under my roof forever. That is why it is so important to set high standards NOW.

[Anonymous]

Some of the above posters must not have teens. Unless you are putting your kid on lockdown, at 17 you can only control what they do in front of you and what they let you know about, not what they actually do. The time to set high standards has passed and gone.

[Anonymous]

Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

When we learned our underage DS was hanging around with friends who did this my DH had five words for him about once a week - "Go pee in this cup."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

And what exactly are your wishes? No one is saying to treat them like little kids. Fact is, they are not little kids but they aren't little adults either. They will have many friends over the course of their lives...what they need at this age more than anything are their parents. It is o.k. to expect them not to do that stuff. Really, they don't have to do that stuff when they are in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

No one said that teens are going to follow what we tell them, but is that a reason to refrain from telling them how we feel about an issue? No. To just say "oh, they're going to do it anyway" is a cop-out on the parent's part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

No one said that teens are going to follow what we tell them, but is that a reason to refrain from telling them how we feel about an issue? No. To just say "oh, they're going to do it anyway" is a cop-out on the parent's part.

So silly. The goal is not to show your disapproval, the goal is to get the behavior you want to stop to stop both now and into the future. Stomping your feet and telling your teen that you disapprove does little in the short term and will harm your relationship in the long term. Teens know when you are infantalizing them by just assuming they are unable to make good decisions on their own.

OP's son sounds very responsible, which is why the suggestion is to speak to him candidly about the long-term health repercussions, then step back and actually give him a chance to make the right decision. This is especially true because DH doesn't think it's a big deal, so it is important to explain why mom feels differently.

Frankly, how you feel about an issue is a terrible thing to discuss with a teen. It's too easily internalized as "mom hates my friends" or "mom is crazy". The discussion should be around actual facts, like health consequences or legal consequences. "We don't want you doing this" is for 7-year-olds. "We don't want you doing this because of A, B, C" is for 17-year-olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong. I've got 2 teens. They are not 17, yet. But I can tell you right now that I won't be condoning hookah smoking.

And I will have zero problems telling them why I can't condone it.

Tell them all you want, no one is stopping you. But those of us who have actually had 17-year-olds know that just because you tell them something doesn't mean they will stick to it. You will learn that lesson in time, and then you will realize that treating your 17-year-old like an adult can be the best way to get them to respect your wishes.

No one said that teens are going to follow what we tell them, but is that a reason to refrain from telling them how we feel about an issue? No. To just say "oh, they're going to do it anyway" is a cop-out on the parent's part.

So silly. The goal is not to show your disapproval, the goal is to get the behavior you want to stop to stop both now and into the future. Stomping your feet and telling your teen that you disapprove does little in the short term and will harm your relationship in the long term. Teens know when you are infantalizing them by just assuming they are unable to make good decisions on their own.

OP's son sounds very responsible, which is why the suggestion is to speak to him candidly about the long-term health repercussions, then step back and actually give him a chance to make the right decision. This is especially true because DH doesn't think it's a big deal, so it is important to explain why mom feels differently.

Frankly, how you feel about an issue is a terrible thing to discuss with a teen. It's too easily internalized as "mom hates my friends" or "mom is crazy". The discussion should be around actual facts, like health consequences or legal consequences. "We don't want you doing this" is for 7-year-olds. "We don't want you doing this because of A, B, C" is for 17-year-olds.

eh, the people saying they would not tolerate this behavior ARE saying they would not tolerate it because it is not a healthy habit. The people who are wishy washy and trying to set up parameters for "responsible" hookah smoking are the ones that just don't get it.