Staying in touch with exes via social media

[Anonymous]

There could be guys not happy that OP has formed long-term friendships with some of her exes. They might ask that she unfriend them both on FB and in real life.

[Anonymous]

I think you are moving too fast. Slow down. Do NOT rush down the aisle. My cousin did what you are doing and they were married less than a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are moving too fast. Slow down. Do NOT rush down the aisle. My cousin did what you are doing and they were married less than a year.

I was wondering if someone would say this, but I suspect the OP is looking at this from the age perspective and her biological clock reaching it's end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you think that your friends will think that he had sex with any woman he's friends with on FB?

Does he have them tagged as former partners?

Nobody cares that he slept with whoever he slept with now. You aren't in high school. This is far too controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are moving too fast. Slow down. Do NOT rush down the aisle. My cousin did what you are doing and they were married less than a year.

I was wondering if someone would say this, but I suspect the OP is looking at this from the age perspective and her biological clock reaching it's end.

I agree with this as well. It seems as though she's decided he has to be the one and is trying to make him into that instead of slowing down and evaluating things to see if he really is it.

[Anonymous]

How is anyone to differentiate between women friends and former lovers? Are the pictures labeled as such? In all honesty, if this bothers you so much, this is not a good relationship match. Your insecurity will destroy this relationship sooner or later. Best to make it sooner.

[Anonymous]

I am confused on just ONE part OP, how would your cousins and co-workers find out from his Friend's List that he used to sleep with multiple women?

Anyway, if I was in your position, I would be extremely jealous. You have every right to be so, it would make me very uncomfortable to have my boyfriends ex anythings on his page.

The main point here is that IF it makes YOU uncomfortable, as your current man, he should unfriend at least some of these women. Whether it is right or wrong, is not the issue, the issue is that this doesn't sit well with you at all.

If he laughs it off or says it isn't really a big deal, then it is entirely up to you if you want to stay with a guy who won't at the very least, take your feelings into consideration.

After all, that is what makes relationships work. A little give and take here and there speaks volumes for how committed someone is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused on just ONE part OP, how would your cousins and co-workers find out from his Friend's List that he used to sleep with multiple women?

Anyway, if I was in your position, I would be extremely jealous. You have every right to be so, it would make me very uncomfortable to have my boyfriends ex anythings on his page.

The main point here is that IF it makes YOU uncomfortable, as your current man, he should unfriend at least some of these women. Whether it is right or wrong, is not the issue, the issue is that this doesn't sit well with you at all.

If he laughs it off or says it isn't really a big deal, then it is entirely up to you if you want to stay with a guy who won't at the very least, take your feelings into consideration.

After all, that is what makes relationships work. A little give and take here and there speaks volumes for how committed someone is.

Please find "enabler" in the dictionary and give a hard think about it. Compromise doesn't mean caving so your partner feels better, when the root of their thinking is unrealistic and self destructive, not to mention being destructive to a normal, healthy, adult relationship.

Jealousy is not something I'd cave to, because it has to do with the negative perceptions of the other person and nothing to do with me. Once you start to feed that green eyed monster, it only gets worse.

I'm also curious to know why he needs to address her feelings, but not the other way around? These other folks have been on his page long before OP came. Why must it always be some gauntlet throwing down condition of "if he loved you he would..". Why can't people learn that sometimes, things make us uncomfortable ONLY because of what goes on inside our own heads, and learn to adapt, like grown ups should do?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read this thread a few times, and every time I do, the only gut feeling I get is "but the lady doth protest too much". SAYING that you are not jealous doesn't make it so. Your actions and feelings really do show that you are, in fact, jealous, and the sooner you can actually examine that and deal with it, the happier you'll be.

If it's really about your privacy, then the simple answer is this: don't be friends with him on FB and Lock down your privacy settings. I suspect that's not the answer you want, but there's the answer. No one that is your REAL friend will care or even question it and you won't have to fret that your third cousin twice removed may figure out that your husband slept with Larla 8 years ago because you got tagged in a holiday picture.

[Anonymous]

OP, your "actual friendships" with your exes are much more likely to be problematic than his having 20 women he dated casually in the last 10 years as friends on social media. You are uncomfortable about his number. Would you feel more secure if he had simply never spoken to these women again? What you're describing (casual, short term sexual relationships that evolve out of very casual friendships) is how a lot of people your age's social lives worked in their 20s. Your derision about him being proud that he treated these women respectfully says a lot about you.

I don't understand people like you. If you're uncomfortable with sharing your personal life on Facebook, why are you on Facebook at all? It's a site that is 100% for sharing your personal life.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if a lot of people had a lot of casual sexual relationships stemming from friendships, but I do have qualms about any guy who spends significant time on FB. Most men I know who have a page spend relatively little energy on it while OP's seems to relish the attention.

It isn't necessarily keeping up with exes that is the issue, but the way it is done. In my situation, SO dated someone seriously mid-20s, very little contact after. But when that person's mom died, we both went to the funeral home to pay our respects. We all met each other's SO and if there was any jealousy, I didn't see it. But I would be upset if my SO was messaging this person every week or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if a lot of people had a lot of casual sexual relationships stemming from friendships, but I do have qualms about any guy who spends significant time on FB. Most men I know who have a page spend relatively little energy on it while OP's seems to relish the attention.

It isn't necessarily keeping up with exes that is the issue, but the way it is done. In my situation, SO dated someone seriously mid-20s, very little contact after. But when that person's mom died, we both went to the funeral home to pay our respects. We all met each other's SO and if there was any jealousy, I didn't see it. But I would be upset if my SO was messaging this person every week or so.

Wow, gender stereotype much?

Hint: anyone who spends a lot of time on Facebook (well, if they're posting about themselves), male or *gasp* female, relishes attention. Some may argue that's exactly the point about Facebook, and what drives its success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if a lot of people had a lot of casual sexual relationships stemming from friendships, but I do have qualms about any guy who spends significant time on FB. Most men I know who have a page spend relatively little energy on it while OP's seems to relish the attention.

It isn't necessarily keeping up with exes that is the issue, but the way it is done. In my situation, SO dated someone seriously mid-20s, very little contact after. But when that person's mom died, we both went to the funeral home to pay our respects. We all met each other's SO and if there was any jealousy, I didn't see it. But I would be upset if my SO was messaging this person every week or so.

It doesn't sound like the OP's boyfriend is doing this, though. The OP's boyfriend just has friends on FB that he used to "date" and is not concealing that from the OP. She is concerned that someone will point out her boyfriend's connection to some other woman and she will be embarrassed by that.

As for your inane comment about not trusting men on Facebook, you are way off base. Men who spend time on Facebook do so for the same reasons that women do - to interact with friends and get attention.

[Anonymous]

This would be a red flag for me. He sounds gross. Get yourself checked for STD's ASAP!

[Anonymous]

I think it's odd you are refusing to tag yourself in a relationship. Almost like you were looking to trade up?