Staying in touch with exes via social media

[Anonymous]

Here's what I don't get:

I'm not FB friends with any guys I've dated except those who turned into long-term friendships.


Okay, so you have FB friends you once dated? How is that any different?

He has, literally, more than 3 times the number of FB friends that I do. He was a bit of a ladies man in the past (and like I said, we're not kids, so his "number" is relatively high) and several of his FB friends are past FWBs, flings, etc. Like more than 30 of them. I know what his past is, and I've accepted it. He was upfront about it. I'm not jealous, and I trust him.

No you don't. It's obvious you don't.


But, I don't want my coworkers or cousins seeing a FB friend of his after the holiday party and asking their friend about him and finding out he slept with them a couple of times. I think that when a person is in a serious relationship, one needs to minimize the presence of their past "dalliances" out of respect for their current partner.


How in the hell would your cousins or coworkers ask their friend after a party and find out he slept with someone else????? What does this have to do with Facebook at all?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]
How in the hell would your cousins or coworkers ask their friend after a party and find out he slept with someone else????? What does this have to do with Facebook at all?[/quote]

+1

And, so what if they did?

It's real life, and in real life, people have past sexual partners.

Are you trying to play out some perfect storybook script in your relationship? That's not gonna work out for you.

[Anonymous]

You are seriously insecure. Not only do you want your ex to scrub his past to make it seem more "acceptable" to your and your family, but you want to regulate what he posts on social media. You are insecure about how people might perceive YOU because of his posts or friend list on FB.

I typically don't friend any boyfriends on FB. I am friends with some of my high school boyfriends. But what your BF is doing is perfectly normal.

I suggest that you consider whether you are well suited to be with this man. You are in your 30's. Most men you meet will have a past.

[Anonymous]

I think if he had no exes that he friended on Facebook, you would worry that to death. You would be posting here asking whether it was a "red flag" that he can't stay friends with his exes and whether his past romantic history is suspect.

Picking apart someone's Facebook friend list and projecting your anxieties onto it is no way to develop a good relationship. There is always some trap or another.

[Anonymous]

OP, everyone has insecurities, but social media just makes it worse. On DCUM, you are going to get the "I am so secure that although my spouse slept with 40 people and still talks to 39 of them, it's no big deal" crowd. Me personally? Everyone has a past but his past is still in the present and that would bother me in terms of him still getting off on his popularity. FB gets a lot of marriages in trouble. What is it going to look like five years down the line?

[Anonymous]

You should go ahead and make that crazy fb request so that he could dump your ass and move on. You two are obviously not right for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, everyone has insecurities, but social media just makes it worse. On DCUM, you are going to get the "I am so secure that although my spouse slept with 40 people and still talks to 39 of them, it's no big deal" crowd. Me personally? Everyone has a past but his past is still in the present and that would bother me in terms of him still getting off on his popularity. FB gets a lot of marriages in trouble. What is it going to look like five years down the line?

Wow. You are crazy like the OP. You should be friends. Being facebook friends with an ex does not mean that you are not over your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this bothers you so much, he's not the guy for you. Just accept it and move on.

Pretty much this.

For the record I agree with you.

Same here. It would bother the hell out of me too. I had to just move on from relationships like that and find someone with the same outlook as me. I did find someone like me and am very happy now.

[Anonymous]

OP, your bf played around, hopefully became good at sex because of it and now he is ready to settle down with YOU. If you are having great sex and overall have similar interests and you intend to continue with it, who cares about his FB friends. It will be super weird if he starts U friending people out of the blue. You seem not to accept him for who he is and trying to change him. you will never find anyone who is 100% what you want. If his FB activity or his past bothers you, talk to him about it and then decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. If not, let it go. But in general think about if you can leave with his past or not. I think that's the main reason for your discontent.

[Anonymous]

Why would your co-workers even be friends with him on FB to see who his friends are? You seem to think people care about your relationship more than they probably do. It is irrational to think co-workers and your cousins will find out his last name, find him on FB, look at his friends, see if they know people in common, and if they do, ask that person how they know your bf, and then that person to actually say oh I slept him once 5 years ago but haven't spoken to him since.

You are way overthinking this. Do not marry this man. You are not okay with his past. Find a man who has a sexual past more like your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. No one sees being connected via social media to numerous people your only connection with is that you slept with them casually a few times as a bit of flaunting it? Getting more specific, when you run down your list of FB friends, and by the time you come to the end of the people whose name starts with "A" you've got 5 people you slept with, that isn't considered extreme?

How on earth are your friends and family going to know that he slept with these people?

[Anonymous]

For all the people saying get over it , remember the thread on here not long ago about the girl who was still "besties" with her ex borderline obsessed with him and the new girl.

Sometimes you can't be too careful.

[Anonymous]

This would be a huge red flag for me as a man. I assume OP would have problems on guys weekends, would need lots of checking in, etc. It doesn't make OP a bad person. Lots and lots of men feel similarly. She should find someone with a similar outlook on life and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all the people saying get over it , remember the thread on here not long ago about the girl who was still "besties" with her ex borderline obsessed with him and the new girl.

Sometimes you can't be too careful.

That's different than being FB friends. That girl spent time with the guy and the couple. That's a whole different level than seeing someone's vacation pictures in your newsfeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a huge red flag for me as a man. I assume OP would have problems on guys weekends, would need lots of checking in, etc. It doesn't make OP a bad person. Lots and lots of men feel similarly. She should find someone with a similar outlook on life and relationships.

+1. Before social media, you would break up with someone and poof, they were gone. Nowadays people never seem to fully break up with anyone.