Bringing favorite dishes to Thanksgiving/Christmas

[Anonymous]

This is not a usual dinner party, this is Thanksgiving and I get the feeling that attendance is expected. All you people calling this rude are treating this as if it non-attendance is an option and OP is happy to be attending.

If it were me, I would stop going to their Thanksgiving, regardless of whether I could go to my family's or only attend every other year. You could say you are alternating with your family's traditions for the benefit of your children since they are not interested in incorporating anything from your family's traditions into theirs. They are clearly shut down to trying anything beyond what they know or being gracious in any form.

I find that people this rigid generally are crap cooks in any event, the failure to appreciate red wine kind of locks that down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a usual dinner party, this is Thanksgiving and I get the feeling that attendance is expected. All you people calling this rude are treating this as if it non-attendance is an option and OP is happy to be attending.

If it were me, I would stop going to their Thanksgiving, regardless of whether I could go to my family's or only attend every other year. You could say you are alternating with your family's traditions for the benefit of your children since they are not interested in incorporating anything from your family's traditions into theirs. They are clearly shut down to trying anything beyond what they know or being gracious in any form.

I find that people this rigid generally are crap cooks in any event, the failure to appreciate red wine kind of locks that down.

Amen. So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a usual dinner party, this is Thanksgiving and I get the feeling that attendance is expected. All you people calling this rude are treating this as if it non-attendance is an option and OP is happy to be attending.

If it were me, I would stop going to their Thanksgiving, regardless of whether I could go to my family's or only attend every other year. You could say you are alternating with your family's traditions for the benefit of your children since they are not interested in incorporating anything from your family's traditions into theirs. They are clearly shut down to trying anything beyond what they know or being gracious in any form.

I find that people this rigid generally are crap cooks in any event, the failure to appreciate red wine kind of locks that down.

+1. For a normal dinner party, I wouldn't expect to bring my own dishes to be served. This isn't every day, it's a holiday that has lots of meaning and tradition for lots of people. MIL sounds very unpleasant or selfish or something to not recognize that maybe your family traditions could be included at least as an option. We're visiting friends for the holiday and the first thing my friend said was "let me know if there's any special 'must have' for Thanksgiving that I can make or that you want to bring." I agree that I'd confer with DH and either have him stand up to MIL or just let them know that next year you won't be there.

[Anonymous]

Food aside, they sound very rude and exclusionary. Pretty outrageous that they won't even put what you bring on the table. What does your husband think of how they treat you?

That said, since you have your own event earlier, I wouldn't bring anything to their house if you must continue to go. Just eat what you want at your house.

I do agree with the posters who said you just pop open the red wine and have at it.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving etiquette, rudeness or politeness, varying customs about whether it's OK for a guest to bring a dish to an elaborate meal hosted by someone else, or anything else that it really claims to be about.

This is just another raw, naked power struggle between a mother in law and daughter in law for primacy. That it happens to be about Thanksgiving in this instance is purely coincidental.

And, in all of these wars between a mother in law and the daugther in law, the weak link is ALWAYS the passive, nebbishy husband/son, who doesn't have the balls to put his foot down and stop his women from this kind of nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cranberry sauce is not worthing fighting for. As PPs suggested, eat it with leftovers.

The moscato would be a total deal-breaker for me. In that case, simply open your red and say "Thanks, but I'm in the mood for red. Cheers!"

agreed totally, because moscato is disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a thought--I know this is crazy--TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL. Call your MIL and tell her, "It's so nice and generous of you to host, but after 10 years of doing Thanksgiving with your family, I really miss some of my family's dishes and traditions. Can you help me feel more included and more comfortable by allowing me to bring red wine and cranberry sauce, even if no one else eats it?"

GASP! Direct communication...something most DCUMmers are unfamiliar with...

Because martyrs like to be martyrs and doormats like to be doormats. So why would a adult talk in a straightforward manner to another adult? Because then the problem might get solved, and they wouldn't have anything to be dramatic/bitch about.

And this is what this thread is really about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is all about tradition. I would be happy to have you bring whatever made it a great meal for you. My cousin has to have pumpkin pie. No one else likes it. She bakes it and brings it every year. I don't consider it a slight to my apple pie.

Would you feel differently if she knows that you make an apple pie but chooses to bring a store-bought apple pie every year? Do you see the difference in the insulting factor from OP and your cousin?

Not with regard to cranberry sauce, no. There is a great divide and you either like the whole or the jelly, but rarely both. In my family and group of friends, we have had (joking) "fights" about the correct response. I love the jelly and there is no way I would eat the whole. I just don't like it. It's not b/c of how it's made but what it is.

Also, if you're always looking to be offended or pissed, you're guaranteed to find it. Just accept sometimes people have different preferences. If he/she is willing to bring it and take it home when they leave, so what?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read this whole thread and I think, with all my kindness, that you are being kind of rude. People are very territorial with food because food is personal. Your MIL is hosting a T'giving dinner that she probably spent some time planning and laying out. She knows what she's going to serve, and she knows all the pieces of the meal that fit together. Bring what she asked you to bring to fill the gap, or bring nothing as she suggested. When you bring something and insist on having it because "it's not Thanksgiving without it", you are telling her that what she made is not good enough. You are a guest in her house. Act like one.

Yes, it's rude of her to tell you it's not part of the family tradition. But you are not attending a family potluck. This is HER dinner at HER house. Be a guest. Eat and smile. If you must bring something, bring flowers or some chocolate for the hostess. You aren't entitled to having a meal the way you want it at someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I like some of the PPs suggestions about just bringing what you want, explaining to MIL beforehand that you'd like to contribute it for emotional reasons, enjoying it, not worrying if nobody else has it, and getting your spouse's support. He or she could back-channel to MIL and point out that it's hard for you to miss your family and your family traditions.

I agree with PP. I would not do it with canned cranberry sauce, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read this whole thread and I think, with all my kindness, that you are being kind of rude. People are very territorial with food because food is personal. Your MIL is hosting a T'giving dinner that she probably spent some time planning and laying out. She knows what she's going to serve, and she knows all the pieces of the meal that fit together. Bring what she asked you to bring to fill the gap, or bring nothing as she suggested. When you bring something and insist on having it because "it's not Thanksgiving without it", you are telling her that what she made is not good enough. You are a guest in her house. Act like one.

Yes, it's rude of her to tell you it's not part of the family tradition. But you are not attending a family potluck. This is HER dinner at HER house. Be a guest. Eat and smile. If you must bring something, bring flowers or some chocolate for the hostess. You aren't entitled to having a meal the way you want it at someone else's house.

Oh, come on, PP. Everybody knows Thanksgiving is about eating your favorite traditional foods. This is not news! OP's MIL is intentionally making her feel like a stranger in a strange land. There is no other explanation. My MIL is a similar piece of work. When I hosted the first time for DH's family, she insisted on having and eating STOVETOP stuffing instead if my Nana's cornbread dressing. I happily obliged and put the glutinous mass in a bowl on my table. Turns out my Nana's dressing is now served on the family table by my SIL even when DH and I do not attend. The family tradition changed when I joined the family. This is what family means, room for everyone.

I was fortunate that I had the good manners to serve MIL's stovetop because my mother thankfully raised me right and set the example. Being from the deep south, mashed potatoes, for example, have never been a part of my family's traditions, but I can tell you that my mother happily makes and serves them every Christmas because she knows they are important to DH. This is what families do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read this whole thread and I think, with all my kindness, that you are being kind of rude. People are very territorial with food because food is personal. Your MIL is hosting a T'giving dinner that she probably spent some time planning and laying out. She knows what she's going to serve, and she knows all the pieces of the meal that fit together. Bring what she asked you to bring to fill the gap, or bring nothing as she suggested. When you bring something and insist on having it because "it's not Thanksgiving without it", you are telling her that what she made is not good enough. You are a guest in her house. Act like one.

Yes, it's rude of her to tell you it's not part of the family tradition. But you are not attending a family potluck. This is HER dinner at HER house. Be a guest. Eat and smile. If you must bring something, bring flowers or some chocolate for the hostess. You aren't entitled to having a meal the way you want it at someone else's house.

Oh, come on, PP. Everybody knows Thanksgiving is about eating your favorite traditional foods. This is not news! OP's MIL is intentionally making her feel like a stranger in a strange land. There is no other explanation. My MIL is a similar piece of work. When I hosted the first time for DH's family, she insisted on having and eating STOVETOP stuffing instead if my Nana's cornbread dressing. I happily obliged and put the glutinous mass in a bowl on my table. Turns out my Nana's dressing is now served on the family table by my SIL even when DH and I do not attend. The family tradition changed when I joined the family. This is what family means, room for everyone.

I was fortunate that I had the good manners to serve MIL's stovetop because my mother thankfully raised me right and set the example. Being from the deep south, mashed potatoes, for example, have never been a part of my family's traditions, but I can tell you that my mother happily makes and serves them every Christmas because she knows they are important to DH. This is what families do.

If you categorize your MIL as a "piece of work" because she insisted on Stovetop stuffing, you must also categorize OP as a "piece of work" because she is insisting on red wine and canned cranberry sauce. Because that's the SAME TYPE OF DYNAMIC at play: a stubborn person insisting on "THEIR" food at her hostess' table.

[Anonymous]

My MiL is a piece of work because after 10 years she refuses to pronounce my name correctly, regularly calls me "her" when speaking of me to my husband, and at my bridal shower loudly suggested that my DH was not ready for marriage. She has done what she can to keep me from feeling at home in the family, the same as OP's MIL, but still, I happily placed her food on the table because I have better manners than her and because it is what she wanted to eat at Thanksgiving. (And even though my mom makes a homemade cranberry orange relish, I personally prefer the canned jellied stuff, so it is on the table, too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being rude. She is the hostess and this is not a pot luck dinner. Have your own Thanksgiving special dishes at your house to eat on Friday. Better still, have Thanksgiving at your house and visit family on Friday.

The host (MIL) is rude.

Any experience hostess knows the gracious and correct thing to do is to make others feel welcome, included and part of the family, especially at a meaningful holiday like Thanksgiving.

A polite and gracious hostess would know that Thanksgiving dinner is not the all about me show but rather, the guests, and would welcome OPs family's traditions into theit own family.

Doing otherwise, like OPs mother in law, shows very poor manners and terrible hostessing skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you are having dinner at someone's house, you should respect their wishes in terms of bringing food. I find it really odd that you insist on red wine and canned cranberries, when you are a guest at someone else's house. Please just be gracious of the food you are served, even if it isn't what you are used to.

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