Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:53 -- to answer your question, DD did just fine in high school. She was very focused, wanted to get into college. She wanted to be like everyone else at her school, and all were busy applying to college. We did have to help her with her applications, but she managed most of her school work on her own with almost no support from us.

It's just now that she's faced with all the freedom college offers, that she's unable to focus. I don't know why. All sorts of fears come to mind: schizophrenia? personality disorder? depression?

Can ASD morph into something else? Or do ASD kids fall apart without the structure and familiarity of high school?

She's socially very awkward, and she told me that she's going to focus on making friends at college. I said fine, but that's not the only point of college. She has AP's, so she will take a reduced load her first semester at least.

What else can I do at this point?

She needs help setting up routines and structure for herself in college. You can help her do that. She needs to have a plan about when to eat and when to go to class and when to study and when to do laundry and when to go socialize (scheduled club meetings could help with this).

If the school has time management workshops, that can help her and you with creating structure and a day-to-day plan for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - We've decided to send her to college, and let her fall on her ass if it comes to that. I'm doing everything I can to prevent that, but I don't think keeping her at home will help anything. She's super-smart, got very high grades, test scores, stellar recommendations, etc. in high school, where she functioned pretty well. She's also a varsity athlete.
This is obviously what you and DH are saying in sheer frustration and would not wish on anyone.

a- Given the short window to when she will be on a college campus, I would try to find a psychiatrist or psychologist if appropriate to do a screening for much more common mental health discorders of anxiety and/or depression. One focuses so much time and effort within the structure of the family, academic classes and activities to get to college and then falls apart for whatever reason when one finds the life they have known is gone.

b-It is very good that she has signed the FERPA document so do keep abreast of all the dates of withdrawal, drop or requesting an incomplete - anything that might need to be done to take building pressure off of DD and yourselves??

c- I still would consider the impact DD might have on an unsuspecting roommate so if you choose not to try for a single, if you see she is flaming out in the dorm situation, please try as early as possible to do so for medical reasons No matter how you try to disregard, this incoming student's first semester in college is very likely not to be what she expected at all. I do think you should still try to go for a single for the semester.

d- If your daughter is bright, it will do her no favors to let her fail academically.......

e- You and DH, too, need to see a counselor to get advice on how to deal with the possible tumultuous weeks ahead, especially if there are siblings in the family.

I don't agree with this AT ALL. OP's daughter doesn't recognize that she isn't planning well or handling her own stuff well. She doesn't want to accept help from her parents. She probably doesn't want to go to therapy. If she is allowed to go out and try college this fall, she will either succeed or fail. If she succeeds, then OP was worried about nothing and the kid was right. If she fails, then she will see that her plan wasn't working and she will have incentive to find a new plan. She will learn to pick herself up, dust herself off and learn how to do it right.

You have to let your adult children go, people. They have to be allowed to try things on their own, even if they sometimes land on their butts. Failure is critical to success. If you never allow your kids to fail, then they are never going to learn to succeed on their own.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for your comments. They are helping me think about what we are facing.

I decided to pack for DD. She can't do it. I've given up trying. It's too overwhelming for her. She won't get to college if she packs for herself.

12:41, I agree with you. DD is completely resistant to the idea that she has challenges. I doubt she'll reach out for help when the time comes.

This thread has really helped me see better what I need to do to help DD, despite her obnoxious behavior. I've been trying to push her to become more independent, but she's not ready and doesn't realize it.

Since we have the FERPA, can I just call the psychologists at her school and alert them that she might develop a problem? I'm not sure how to deal with a problem that hasn't happened.

Thank you 12:36. I've been thinking that I will need to set up her room and walk her through some routines (if she'll let me!). I will make a schedule for her for eating, sleeping, going to class, washing her clothes. If she gets desperate, she may even look at it!

I think she'll be an OK roommate, at least at first. She's quiet and somewhat neat. If she starts sleeping all the time, then we'll have a reason to push for a single.

She will have time management and study skills support -- I signed her up for that right away.

If we kept her at home, she'd get depressed and spend all day on her computer, but she would not socialize or get out and do things. College at least will provide some structure for her.

I cannot apply for a single until there's a problem. She has no diagnosis! That's not been a problem until now. I think she does have some ADHD, but again, so hard to diagnose. I think her issue is mostly ASD, the very edge of the spectrum, plus other issues. Some kids don't fall into any categories.

I wish we could afford the PEER program, but we can't. We can't afford a neuropsych either, alas. We have crappy insurance.

Back to her packing! Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

For younger kids, Children's hospital does them. I don't know what their upper age is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

It will be cheaper than sending her off to college expecting her to fail.

The problem with "you have to let your child fail, to allow them to succeed" does not work when the child has SNs. OP DD does not have the tools to cope. For instance, being able to recognize when one needs help and asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

For younger kids, Children's hospital does them. I don't know what their upper age is.

They do them for teens/college students. Get on the wait list now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, from your description it can just as easily be ADHD. Most of the time if the kid gets good grades, schools and parents don't go looking for a diagnosis and girls with HFA are notoriously difficult to diagnose.

Get a neuropsych eval. Her college may arrange it if she has issues in her classes. Good luck!

OP again.

Could you elaborate? I'm really curious why girls with HFA are so difficult to diagnose.

What confuses me is that DD's behavior is mixed in with "normal" teen issues. I have other kids, and I can see some of the same behaviors DD does in the other kids. But they are different in DD. Hard to put my finger on the difference, though. And I'm her mom!

If you have any clues, PP, please share! Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

You need to find away to afford this. How can you afford for her to fail college when you can't afford this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

It will be cheaper than sending her off to college expecting her to fail.

The problem with "you have to let your child fail, to allow them to succeed" does not work when the child has SNs. OP DD does not have the tools to cope. For instance, being able to recognize when one needs help and asking for help.

It's too late! We've already paid her tuition, for the first semester.

I agree that we need to support her, but at some point, she must accept that she's disabled. She has to learn to recognize when she needs help. How will she survive if she doesn't develop this skill? I can't tell her this. She has to see that she can't succeed at college without help. She knows intellectually that she has issues, but she's been a top athlete and a great student at her high school. She has never failed, in large part because we have supported her. We're not withdrawing support, but she will have to take care of herself on her own at college. She's going to have to learn how much she can/can't do without living at home, and I can't tell her. So, yes, I suppose we are sending her off, expecting failure. It's a pretty terrible situation for a parent to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

You need to find away to afford this. How can you afford for her to fail college when you can't afford this?

Good question. This requires reordering of priorities and budgeting. Paying for college is a big challenge for us. But the money is spent now. If she fails her first semester, then we'll have to use her second semester tuition money to pay for it! What a dismal prospect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, from your description it can just as easily be ADHD. Most of the time if the kid gets good grades, schools and parents don't go looking for a diagnosis and girls with HFA are notoriously difficult to diagnose.

Get a neuropsych eval. Her college may arrange it if she has issues in her classes. Good luck!

OP again.

Could you elaborate? I'm really curious why girls with HFA are so difficult to diagnose.

What confuses me is that DD's behavior is mixed in with "normal" teen issues. I have other kids, and I can see some of the same behaviors DD does in the other kids. But they are different in DD. Hard to put my finger on the difference, though. And I'm her mom!

If you have any clues, PP, please share! Thanks!

My kid has both ASD and ADHD, combined type. The ASD has the greatest impact on relationships with others, being a poor reader of social cues, body language etc.

The ADHD mostly affects executive functioning, being organized and attention, and in my child's case, constant movement.

Everything you describe sounds like ADHD combined with a huge dose of anxiety.

I'm one of the pps who recommended Dr Black. Your DD does not sound "recovered" at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?

OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?

For younger kids, Children's hospital does them. I don't know what their upper age is.

They do them for teens/college students. Get on the wait list now.

Thanks, I'll look into this.

[Anonymous]

Call the children's center for autism spectrum disorders in Rockville directly (Laura kenworthy's Neuropsych group at Children's) to schedule the Neuropsych.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for your comments. They are helping me think about what we are facing.

I decided to pack for DD. She can't do it. I've given up trying. It's too overwhelming for her. She won't get to college if she packs for herself.

12:41, I agree with you. DD is completely resistant to the idea that she has challenges. I doubt she'll reach out for help when the time comes.

This thread has really helped me see better what I need to do to help DD, despite her obnoxious behavior. I've been trying to push her to become more independent, but she's not ready and doesn't realize it.

Since we have the FERPA, can I just call the psychologists at her school and alert them that she might develop a problem? I'm not sure how to deal with a problem that hasn't happened.

Thank you 12:36. I've been thinking that I will need to set up her room and walk her through some routines (if she'll let me!). I will make a schedule for her for eating, sleeping, going to class, washing her clothes. If she gets desperate, she may even look at it!

I think she'll be an OK roommate, at least at first. She's quiet and somewhat neat. If she starts sleeping all the time, then we'll have a reason to push for a single.

She will have time management and study skills support -- I signed her up for that right away.

If we kept her at home, she'd get depressed and spend all day on her computer, but she would not socialize or get out and do things. College at least will provide some structure for her.

I cannot apply for a single until there's a problem. She has no diagnosis! That's not been a problem until now. I think she does have some ADHD, but again, so hard to diagnose. I think her issue is mostly ASD, the very edge of the spectrum, plus other issues. Some kids don't fall into any categories.

I wish we could afford the PEER program, but we can't. We can't afford a neuropsych either, alas. We have crappy insurance.

Back to her packing! Sigh.

I still don't understand why you're packing for her. I think being totally unable to get in the car and depart for college will be a much-needed wakeup call for her. OP, it almost seems like you're clinging to the same false hope as your DD: that if you can get her physically to campus and enrolled, everything will work out.

Are you totally sure you can't get a refund, or at least a deferment, of what you've paid? At least the meal plan or something? That plus the expenses of transporting her there, is something at least.

I think you are being penny wise and pound foolish about the neuropsych eval. Do you know how much you'll blow on travel and meals if you have to go up there and bail her out all the time? At least take her to a psychiatrist. That should be cheaper than a full neuropsych eval, but it might give you enough of a diagnosis to get a single.