Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if I should post here or in the college forum, but I'll start here.

If you sent a "recovered" or high functioning ASD kid to college, would you mind sharing your experience.

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown getting DD ready to go to college. She no longer has a diagnosis, but has many issues related to her previous ASD -- disorganization, lack of focus, in particular. DH and I have had to drag her through every single aspect of enrolling her in her small liberal arts college.

She's nasty and condescending to both me and DH when we help her, but she cannot accomplish a single task on her own, from organizing her clothes, to filling out health forms, to registering for classes, to emailing her roommate to let her know what she's bringing, etc. etc.

She has a summer job, but stays up late at night on Facebook or just spacing out talking to herself, so she's tired and can't drag herself out of bed in the morning to make a healthy breakfast or lunch, both of which she must eat because of her health issues. She doesn't exercise and forgets to take her supplements, so her physical and mental health is deteriorating.

Tell me, please, parents, do your ASD kids pull themselves together in college, or do they fall apart? I worry DD will not eat/sleep/take care of her health and not notice her deteriorating health/mental health issues, and will spiral downward very quickly. She is very arrogant, and does not think anything is wrong with her, especially since she no longer has an ASD diagnosis.

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. No matter what I do--help DD or stand back--I will suffer.

Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

Can you keep her local? A local college?

[Anonymous]

She's going to a college that's 2 hours away from home. It's a very nice school with enough support for her, and we can get there quickly if she falls apart.

I'm eager to hear from parents who have gone through this -- how have your children fared? What advice can you give me?

[Anonymous]

focus on the important issues. eating and presumably a system for keeping track of classes/assignments. forget about emailing the roomate and that smaller stuff. she's a teen.

can you enlist a friend or family member to help her get set up with some sample tools/apps/written systems etc?

many many college kids suck at all of these things, eventually they work it out. your daughter will need more guidance.

what's the healthiest grab and go breakfast she can do? canned shakes, bars? anything? if you find some things like that, buy her cases of it. juices, protein shakes, anything that is easy.
don't nag or act as if you don't trust her. say, hey you will be so busy, how about you take XXXX to school so you will always at least have something to eat.

if you come across critical all the time, she won't let you help her. try to work on your tone with her, even if she is wrong.

[Anonymous]

I worry DD will not eat/sleep/take care of her health and not notice her deteriorating health/mental health issues, and will spiral downward very quickly. She is very arrogant, and does not think anything is wrong with her, especially since she no longer has an ASD diagnosis.

OP - My initial reply was below, but then I kept thinking about how you mentioned twice that she no longer has an ASD diagnosis? Yet she still exhibits the behaviors - so who exactly took the diagnosis of ASD away?? Was it a doctor in the field or an educator in terms of providing special education supports under an IEP label in the school division It would appear that your daughter is still on the Autism spectrum AND that she might still qualify for some disability support services in college. **if it is DD who wants to be done with ASD and go onto college without needed supports, then you may really need to consider whether you can afford it if she does not do dwell. Or should you rethink and have her start out at a local community college?


Two hours is close enough for you and/or DH to go up and check on her fairly regularly if need in the first few weeks. I agree that you should consider the big picture and focus on the most important things:

- Academics - Make sure she is not only registered, but for a level of classes she can carry - maybe 12 credits over 15 credits. Have you considered seeing if the classes start late enough in the morning that she will make them? Does the scheduling give her a balance of classes spread over the week - not all one after another on any day? []Be sure you know the calendar dates deadline to drop a course or to ask for an Incomplete?

-[/b] Disability support services - Make sure that she knows AND DOES the procedure to notify every professor of her disability and what accommodations she is needs every semester?

- Academic Advisor - Does this college have a strong adviser to student program at least for those students with special needs? Having a "go to person" on campus that DD will feel comfortable can be really important in getting over any rough spots in the first few weeks of college?

- Health Care[b] - Yes you should make sure that all her forms are filled out. Does she know how to access the health care services, including if she starts to have mental health issues? Is there a form that she can sign off on to let you or DH have medical information shared with you or you conversely to share if a sudden issues does arise?

On smaller thins, I think you might just give in and help her out including:

- Organizing a basic wardrobe for even the first few weeks of the semester since you want unpacking and settling in to go as smoothly as possible. You can always bring up the winter gear later.

- Go over a list of things she wants and basic things you would advise her to have as much as you can ahead of time and shop a local BIG BOX store since the less running around she will need to deal with (and you and DH to on move-in day) the better. There are also basic things for the room that can be purchased ahead. Keep the receipts should things need to go back.

- As mentioned, you can also purchase with her input breakfast food and drink items as well as snack items. I woudl think she would have a small refrigerator so think, too, in terms of healthy protein items.

Good luck and hopefully things will work out.

[Anonymous]

You cannot recover from ASD - either you have it or don't (or wrong diagnosis). She may need more support and I would give one semester a try with the back of of home and community college if it does not work out.

[Anonymous]

OP - Exactly my take in my response above. I can understand if your daughter and you/DH want "to be done" with the impact of ASD, but it is not something you can just sign off on. To give her the illusion that college will be a "new start" without considering how her Autism must be managed is setting her up for at best a very difficult time. If you and DH think that just giving into her idea that ASD is over is just setting yourselves up, too, for a very hard and expensive experience. Also please give some consideration to the unsuspecting roommate, the impact of DD on her first weeks in college and all that her parents are putting out to get her there, too!! - if you know your DD may well be the roommate from hell to live with. You should at least have the decency to start DD out in a single room.

It sounds like DD may not really be ready to "buy-in to college. And do remember that once you have a semester with a transcript it will be part of her educational and even employment record from here on out. If this college setting could be a good match, why then not give her the added time to mature and be able to benefit?? There is no timetable on when you start college or finish. [/b]As a middle ground, have you considered try to get an accept/decline for a year or even a semester on health care grounds which she does seem to have? It would preserve her college acceptance, but maybe a Gap Year to do what your daughter needs to do as the next step in learning to function as independently as possible as an adult would then ensure a smoother transition to college.[b] It sounds like she or the family as a whole might benefit from seeing a therapist to sort"the next step" out. DD could not just continue as she chooses and remain at home, but at the same time DD may be being set up for a real dive by looking at college through "rose colored glasses."

It appears from your very own post there are several important benchmarks that DD could benefit from accomplishing with some professional guidance including:

- Handling daily personal tasks herself
- Handling tasks at home as appropriate
- Deciding on a part-time job and doing a solid performance there
- Deciding on if education was in the future and starting out slowly with a course or two at the community college


However, as you would see from other threads this might just be an experience that needs to be tried so at least do find out about the key dates on the school calendar:

#1 What are the dates of withdrawal with any money being reimbursed?

#2 Could you take out insurance on the dorm and tuition cost - we did do this years ago with our oldest, and it saved us a semester's worth of expenses prorated.

#3 What is the end date to drop a course?

#4 What is the end date to ask for an incomplete.

$5 Also, try and get her to sign a waiver so that at least health information can be exchanged with you if you feel DD is coming undone at at any point and needs immediate intervention.

Transition for many teens is difficult enough to college, but denying that your DD has added even possible issues to contend with is putting her and yourselves through unnecessary angst.

[Anonymous]

Wow PP has clearly been through the ringer. I haven't yet, but have to say that from everything I've read and what our neuropsych has told us -- no, ASD kids (or formerly and now close, whatever that means) don't suddenly pull together when all these parental supports disappear. Gap year sounds like a great idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, does she want to go to college? Does she want to go away to college? Does she want to do well in school? It just seems like getting her there is the endpoint for you but it's a disaster in the making if she can't complete a basic list of instructions. You really have to wonder if a year (or two) at a community college will be a better starting point for her higher education.

[Anonymous]

Don't send her. My sister had the same experience with my niece except my niece had no diagnosis. End result - my niece failed out miserably before the first semester even ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't send her. My sister had the same experience with my niece except my niece had no diagnosis. End result - my niece failed out miserably before the first semester even ended.

That might help with the arrogance. Sometimes people need to land on their ass.

[Anonymous]

Nonsense,how can she be recovered?
Keep her local.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with 14:27. Think about the fact that there is some unsuspecting teenage girl out there who is just hoping to get a nice roommate and have a good college experience. Knowing what you know about living with your DD, it sounds incredibly unfair to both girls to put them in a position where they will probably end up hating each other. Sure, many 18-year-olds are hard to live with, but what you have described sounds extreme. She does not sound capable of being a good roommate even if she wants to. At the very least, petition the school for a single. If you stick with a double I feel awful for the poor girl who has this coming for her freshman year, and also for your DD. The roommate situation can truly be the make or break for a positive experience at college, and a bad roommate situation is HELL for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Your DD does not sound ready for college at all. Doesn't matter whether she has a diagnosis or not. If she cannot organize herself enough to apply to college, fill out forms, contact her roommate or show any ability to take care of herself, you will be wasting your money and her time sending her to college.

Does she want to go to college? You cannot instill motivation. Leave her alone. If she cannot enroll herself, sign up for classes, pack her clothes, eat etc don't do it for her. This is the bare minimum a young adult should be able to manage.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I have to agree with 14:27. Think about the fact that there is some unsuspecting teenage girl out there who is just hoping to get a nice roommate and have a good college experience. Knowing what you know about living with your DD, it sounds incredibly unfair to both girls to put them in a position where they will probably end up hating each other. Sure, many 18-year-olds are hard to live with, but what you have described sounds extreme. She does not sound capable of being a good roommate even if she wants to. At the very least, petition the school for a single. If you stick with a double I feel awful for the poor girl who has this coming for her freshman year, and also for your DD. The roommate situation can truly be the make or break for a positive experience at college, and a bad roommate situation is HELL for everyone.


Parent of high functioning Aspie/ADHD/GAD who is in college. Honors kids in high school. We were completely blown away with how difficult the transition was for DS to enter college because he had done so well in high school and on travels abroad. IMHO, if your child is on the spectrum, they will always be autistic. It is much more apparent now that DS is high functioning Aspie (autistic) than when a child. When applied disclosing all, worked with the office of disability services, got a single room with a shared bathroom with a R.A. (who turned out to be more of a wreck than our child). DS just spiraled down and slept all the time (very common in these situations). We had to get ODS involved. WE scheduled times for organizational meetings. ODS met with faculty and explained issues and need for extra time. Tutored up. Made use of the writing center at the University. We even had to call and wake DS up. Fortunately DS's university is close-by so we could "rescue" from time to time. Everything OP describes is my ASD kid. I think your tester was wrong and that you really need to quickly talk to ODS at your university and have meetings now. ODS most likely will require fresh testing if not done within the last three years. You take that testing in to ODS along with prior testing and any IEPs (they don't apply but show a record) and ODS works with you to get a reduced workload (very important) and whatever accommodations your child needs. You must have your child sign away their privacy rights on the FERPA form or no one at the university will be able to talk to you and you will experience what my sister and other friends have experiences - the letter from the university saying your kids has not been attending classes, is failing, and is not invited to return next term. If your arrogant child will not do that, then you are not going to pay for this very expensive adventure and they can go to community college. You will find your child will have great difficulty self-regulating, taking care of sleep issues, eating right, washing themselves and exercising. You will probably also find out that they cannot write a comprehensive academic paper without tutoring. I wish you the best of luck, but please call ODS at your university now (August is good time to work this out) and explain the situation. They can tell you if you need new testing and will usually provide a list of local testers they like. You need to get on this right away. Our first two years of college were hell and took much out of DW and me and attention away from other SN kids - we didn't see it coming.