Using Validation therapy techique: need advice

[Anonymous]

I've had this thread bookmarked because it has been so helpful!

[Anonymous]

Larlat's grandmother here.

I am glad you found this helpful. Enough years have passed that I can reveal that Larlat's actual name was Satan. Another pet was called Beelzebub. Just to give you an idea of the darkish place my DD was in.

She was a DCUM nightmare; she didn't even graduate from high school, a fact I see I didn't include earlier. Twice I had to get a lawyer for brushes with the law, thankfully expunged. Also something I didn't include.

Validation helped enormously to get her through the darkness, as well as what turned out to be two pretty serious illnesses. Once those were stable enough she got her GED and enrolled in college.

She is doing pre-med and has a very high GPA; she will be doing her MCATs soon. Her hope is to be a forensic pathologist, which I see as a positive way of channeling the remnants of darkness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larlat's grandmother here.

I am glad you found this helpful. Enough years have passed that I can reveal that Larlat's actual name was Satan. Another pet was called Beelzebub. Just to give you an idea of the darkish place my DD was in.

She was a DCUM nightmare; she didn't even graduate from high school, a fact I see I didn't include earlier. Twice I had to get a lawyer for brushes with the law, thankfully expunged. Also something I didn't include.

Validation helped enormously to get her through the darkness, as well as what turned out to be two pretty serious illnesses. Once those were stable enough she got her GED and enrolled in college.

She is doing pre-med and has a very high GPA; she will be doing her MCATs soon. Her hope is to be a forensic pathologist, which I see as a positive way of channeling the remnants of darkness.

OP: Thanks great to hear! I'm so glad that she seems to be in a much better place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bless you for coming up with Larlat. May that be the DCUM generic name for pet rats forever more.

+1!!! haha educational AND hysterical example

[Anonymous]

Larlat’s Grandmother - thank you for sharing your latest update. That’s so great to hear about pre-med and MCATs soon! I hope DD achieves her goals.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is probably the most helpful thing I have read on DCUM over the years. Larlat's grandmother, I'm so glad to hear your DD is doing so well. Still fighting the darkness here but this update brings me hope.

[Anonymous]

How is Larlat’s mother doing now? Fascinating thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bless you for coming up with Larlat. May that be the DCUM generic name for pet rats forever more.

+1

[Anonymous]

validation is so hard to do and can be frustrating on both ends. We have found DBT and spend TONS of time on validation. The kids hate it because instead of trying to make things better, you as parent are leaning into their frustration and validating it but not fixing it for them and forcing them to want to discuss solutions which is not an easy thing for kids to do. Often times for us as parents we get stuck in a loop because before we would just find a way to fix it to stop the chaos now we just stay in a play of uncomfortable and have to walk away until our teen is ready to discuss more. It is HARD, but I will say that forcing everyone to be uncomfortable for a longer duration actually is making things better. Its been less than a year but we see small steps happening and our DD was in a VERY dark and bad place

Good luck finding a good DBT therapist. We are so thankful for having found our team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Word of caution op- my sister has done this for years with her now 20 year old. My niece was completely unprepared to hear any sort of constructive criticism from her college professors and employers. She always says they are unfair because she is used to the BT style you use.

NP here. This could be because in DBT, validation is only the first step. Step two is learning a coping skill. The goal isn't only for the teen to feel safe and secure. It's for the teen to feel safe and secure enough that they can learn a skill or change a habit.

It would be interesting to turn validation back around to your niece's constructive criticism problem. "It must have been hard when you did your best and was proud of your work, and then an adult in authority told you that there was a better way to do it." Or, "it must have been such a surprise to hear that advice, I would hate being caught off guard like that when I thought I was crushing it." Etc. Next step, unpack that. The skill would be, how to take, appreciate, and make the most of constructive criticism.

[Anonymous]

This is a super interesting thread. In some ways, I can see how the validation of feelings is important in the moment because they are emotional and all they want to do is vent and feel and be heard rather than corrected. So the poster who mentioned timing is important. But I also think we don't actually have to say that much. Just listen. And maybe ask open-ended questions that lead them to come to revelation on their own. After listening and validating, maybe say: 'why do you think it made you so upset and embarrassed', in the case of the homework, for example. They might recognize that they were embarrassed because they made they forgot their homework. And then ask, "what do you think you can do differently so you don't forget your homework again?" The bigger message I struggle to impart with my own daughter is correcting the 'its not my fault' mentality. I know its a defense mechanism but part of maturing is accepting responsibility for mistakes and thinking about what you could do differently. So it definitely resonates with me that validation alone is problematic because it also validates that mentality and lack of ownership over mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larlat's grandmother here.

I am glad you found this helpful. Enough years have passed that I can reveal that Larlat's actual name was Satan. Another pet was called Beelzebub. Just to give you an idea of the darkish place my DD was in.

She was a DCUM nightmare; she didn't even graduate from high school, a fact I see I didn't include earlier. Twice I had to get a lawyer for brushes with the law, thankfully expunged. Also something I didn't include.

Validation helped enormously to get her through the darkness, as well as what turned out to be two pretty serious illnesses. Once those were stable enough she got her GED and enrolled in college.

She is doing pre-med and has a very high GPA; she will be doing her MCATs soon. Her hope is to be a forensic pathologist, which I see as a positive way of channeling the remnants of darkness.

Good reminder to focus on the long game

Best of luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a super interesting thread. In some ways, I can see how the validation of feelings is important in the moment because they are emotional and all they want to do is vent and feel and be heard rather than corrected. So the poster who mentioned timing is important. But I also think we don't actually have to say that much. Just listen. And maybe ask open-ended questions that lead them to come to revelation on their own. After listening and validating, maybe say: 'why do you think it made you so upset and embarrassed', in the case of the homework, for example. They might recognize that they were embarrassed because they made they forgot their homework. And then ask, "what do you think you can do differently so you don't forget your homework again?" The bigger message I struggle to impart with my own daughter is correcting the 'its not my fault' mentality. I know its a defense mechanism but part of maturing is accepting responsibility for mistakes and thinking about what you could do differently. So it definitely resonates with me that validation alone is problematic because it also validates that mentality and lack of ownership over mistakes.

For a teenager with an underdeveloped brain, these questions can sound more like an attack and trigger defensiveness and shutdown.

Remember it’s a process and validation is step one to a very structured process.