Using Validation therapy techique: need advice
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Anonymous
+1 Thanks so much for the examples. Dh and I have been practicing validation to improve our communication, but it makes so much sense to extend that onto the kids. I have one tween that is extremely oppositional. Life with him can be so hard. I'm going to start practicing this with him. I've always thought that he has some level of anxiety that must be causing all of his outbursts, but in the neuropysch testing we did a few years ago they said they didn't see it. He is also a really extroverted kid and doesn't show sad emotions much at all either. Never has actually. Anyway, thanks for the examples too, they really help! |
Anonymous
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Thanks so much for the examples. Dh and I have been practicing validation to improve our communication, but it makes so much sense to extend that onto the kids. I have one tween that is extremely oppositional. Life with him can be so hard. I'm going to start practicing this with him. I've always thought that he has some level of anxiety that must be causing all of his outbursts, but in the neuropysch testing we did a few years ago they said they didn't see it. He is also a really extroverted kid and doesn't show sad emotions much at all either. Never has actually. Anyway, thanks for the examples too, they really help! OP here, if you come back, I would like to know more about your extrovert - DS doesn't show lots of sad emotions, is usually quite happy but has that teen anger now he's well into puberty. The self-harm just seems so unlike him. I didn't even realize boys did this sort of thing. We have discovered he feels huge pressure from adults/teachers who expect him to be as mature as he sounds/acts/looks but he is really just 13. He indicates he's had trouble managing their expectations plus some of them (teachers etc) sound just plain mean. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Thank you! My kids are young but as they get older I struggle with finding the right words.the dialogue about is very helpful, as is the point about eliminating the word "but" which I am very guilty of "yes I know you wanted to. Xyz, but..." The wording above is definitely more gentle than my approach, and depending on the situation, likely more effective. |
Anonymous
OP here, if you come back, I would like to know more about your extrovert - DS doesn't show lots of sad emotions, is usually quite happy but has that teen anger now he's well into puberty. The self-harm just seems so unlike him. I didn't even realize boys did this sort of thing. We have discovered he feels huge pressure from adults/teachers who expect him to be as mature as he sounds/acts/looks but he is really just 13. He indicates he's had trouble managing their expectations plus some of them (teachers etc) sound just plain mean. He's really social, loves being around friends to play with. He'll play with anyone really, just wants to have fun. He's not good at entertaining himself unless it involves a screen. Never has been. My younger child could sit and play with legos or cars or whatever by himself. But not this one, he would want someone playing with him. Generally a happy kid, BUT at home he gets more moody and is extremely argumentative. He can be the sweetest kid, but he can also get so mad that things start flying. Verbal communication is hard for him. He doesn't expressive himself verbally, it's all in his actions. So when he's happy we see it, but when he's not we also see it instead of hear it. Instead of showing sadness with being sad though, he expresses it with anger and angry actions. |
Anonymous
| My DD was cutting too and spent time in residentiall treatment center on the west coast. The DBT therapy helped her tremendously and our communication too. She still sees her therapist via Skype. I would try the Ross center for anxiety and ask if there is anyone there who specializes in DBT- DD also sees a psychiatrist there and they have many therapists who specialize with teens. Good luck and hugs to you |
Anonymous
YOU, my friend, are just awesome. I am a therapist and if all of my clients were like you I would be out of a job. This is so amazing I may have to print it out and read it when I'm trying to give people replacement words. And your daughter is lucky to have you. |
Anonymous
| Someone pointed to this thread in another thread, and I have to say its one of the most helpful things I've seen on this website. If you're still around, pp, thanks for the example dialogue! |
Anonymous
PP here. You are most welcome. Validation is such a powerful yet little know tool for dealing with your kids. It so totally turned around my relationship with my DD that I have become something of a validation evangelist. It really can work! |
Anonymous
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I teach validation therapy to my clients and I think that the examples used were excellent! The broader term of what is being accomplished is "radical empathy" which means that you are validating someone's experience, even if you don't have the same feelings.
It's really about removing ourselves from the equation and focusing just on what the other person is experiencing. It works for relationships with husbands, too! |
Anonymous
LOL, I am a therapist too and I was thinking the same thing! I am going to save this to use with my patients and yes, you are putting us therapists out of a job! |
Anonymous
I had to smile when I saw this thread revived. I actually remember and execute quite well the pet scenario described when my child's beloved pet mouse died. I hated that thing and it creeped me out and I totally regretted ever agreeing so when it unexpectedly died I really wanted to rejoice. so to whoever posted the above - thanks!!! it made a huge difference in my and my grieving child's time of need 
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Anonymous
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Can't believe you faced the same rodent death scenario! Glad it was useful and hope you have found other uses for validation--it makes life with teens so much easier.
--Larlat's grandmother |
Anonymous
| It is very interesting to read this. I've never heard of validation techniques but it's similar to the methods I learned from a psychologist to help my younger child with emotional volatility in play therapy. Tracking and naming emotions, reflecting and such. I will have to keep working on these skills to help my teen daughter I guess. |
Anonymous
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I came to this thread because I was combing DCUM for advice for dealing with my 11 yr old DD, who, practically overnight, has gone from a sweet, helpful, happy kid to a jerk who seems mostly unhappy and angry and anxious. She used to verbalize her thoughts and feelings and now she seems... shut down, although she did tell us that she "resents" us for parenting her since she thinks she doesn't need parenting. She also yelled at us for having "too many rules" for her to follow. Once the pain went away, I was frankly perplexed. We are soooo not rule-bound. The stuff she is complaining about are things that I don't even think of as "rules" like 1.) flushing the toilet after you poop and 2.) showering nightly and brushing teeth. Or they are no-brainer rules that, in my view, practically every parent should have like "don't download apps without permission" and "no social media unless one of your parents is allowed as a friend/follower." Or they involve her very minimal chores (pick up your own dirty plate; put your dirty laundry into your hamper). That's it. Life used to seem so simple. She was happy to do her minimal chores to be part of the family/community. She was fine with the e-rules since it meant she got a smart phone. And she seemed to struggle with the personal hygiene stuff (I have never figured our why), but if we reminded her, she was compliant.
Anyway, this whole discussion on validation is very helpful. I can see how it could make some of the recent oppositional conversations I'm having with DD much more positive. But.... well... I just don't get how you're still supposed to teach them values/life skills with this kind of thing? I'm sorry if I sound dumb, but, this example about the homework perplexes me. (The rat one I completely understand. You are expressing empathy in an appropriate way and the child doesn't need any kind of "correction" etc. in that scenario.) But in the other example, let's say you're talking about a child who consistently forgets their homework. They don't have a learning disability or an inability to remember. Let's say you have a good student, above average intelligence and maturity level, and they just don't consistently meet basic expectations? In the example used, it doesn't seem like it's the child's first time forgetting. In fact, it seems like it's a pattern. I feel like it's my job to teach her that consistently forgetting to hand in her homework is a problem that needs to be fixed. I do it as positively as possible. For example, in this example, I would empathize with the embarrassment. But I would definitely, at some point, move to what is being called the "but..." I'd definitely say, kindly, after empathizing, that not turning in the homework is something she needs to get better at and then would try to brainstorm how to do better. I feel like, especially when dealing with tweens (or even younger), that empathy alone isn't effective parenting. How else does my child learn that not flushing the toilet or not turning in homework is not acceptable long-term behavior? Obviously I'm no parenting expert and based on my child's current assessment, I'm failing miserably so I'm asking for advice. But I just can't get it into my head that, after expressing empathy, I'm not allowed to say that "x" is wrong/undesired behavior. And almost every day of fifth grade sadly brought us an opportunity for such a discussion. She picked on other kids. She broke the trust of her friends by telling her secrets. She talked too much to her friends in class that teacher complained to principal. She lied about things. She spent a few days as part of a "club" that doesn't eat lunch so she could be skinnier. I get that I'm lucky that these aren't huge life or death issues but I view them as all moments where a parent is supposed to step in and explain how to be a better friend, a good student, a nice person, or a healthy kid. And how do they learn that when I'm busy avoiding saying any kind of statement about not meeting expectations or about trying better??? I see the therapists weighing in saying "bravo" so I'm feeling like a terrible parent but I don't understand how to do this! |