S/o: If your spouse was cheating, would you want to know?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A one night stand, protection used? No. An ongoing love affair because our marriage was in a bad place, yes.

But the cause of your marriage being in a bad place is the affair. You are mixing up the cause and effect, especially given the statistical likelihood that your marriage was happy before the affair.

I think you have it backwards. An affair is an effect, not a cause.

Someone posted the statistic on another thread. More than 50% of men who cheat characterize their marriages as happy or very happy. You start taking your attention and intimacy away from your spouse and expend all your romantic energy on your affair partner. Then you have to demonize your spouse, because if it isn't your spouse's fault that you are cheating, that would make you a bad person, and you cannot possible be a bad person in your own eyes.

Seriously, your cause and effect are completely wrong. You are spouting nonsense that has been debunked/

So that one not very convincing statistic doesn't change my mind. An affair is an effect. It's fine if others disagree.

I humbly submit that "facts" are better than your "opinion." I understand that many people cannot accept facts that directly contradict their own opinions, and I feel sorry that they are so intellectually stunted.

How are you going to feel when the 'facts' in the one study you are hanging your life on are debunked?

It's actually more than one study. There was one out of UC Irvine, too. Plus there is this little nugget from Psychology Today, July 2012:

"Studies indeed show that relationship dissatisfaction is associated with engaging in extramarital sex. But there's evidence that in almost two-thirds of cases, marital problems are the effect, not the cause, of extramarital involvements. Further, affairs themselves skew perceptions of the marriage. Once infidelity has occurred, partners tend to look back on their primary relationship and see it as having been flawed all along—an attempt to reduce cognitive dissonance."

If you were actually to do any research, you might educate yourself. I know - it is scary to learn new things. I am beginning to think that you must be having an affair. Finding out that your affair is your own fault could cause someone's head to explode.

Do you think there is only one poster who has expressed disagreement with you?

Do you think there is only one poster disagreeing with you? I am not the PP and you are delusional.

You are delusional for calling a person delusional when you don't even know what they've posted. Why get worked up over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to find out on my own - through my own inquiries/investigations based on my own suspicions - obviously in that instance I want to know what's going on. But if I'm totally oblivious to the fact and happy with my marriage then I'd prefer to stay that way. No way would I want some total stranger intruding into my personal life and taking it upon themselves to decide what's in my best interest.

By not telling you, said stranger is also deciding what's best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to find out on my own - through my own inquiries/investigations based on my own suspicions - obviously in that instance I want to know what's going on. But if I'm totally oblivious to the fact and happy with my marriage then I'd prefer to stay that way. No way would I want some total stranger intruding into my personal life and taking it upon themselves to decide what's in my best interest.

By not telling you, said stranger is also deciding what's best for you.

yep

[Anonymous]

A stranger can tell you and you can choose to ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A stranger can tell you and you can choose to ignore it.

+1 The only people with decision making power in the marriage are the people actually in the marriage, no matter what information is shared.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather hear it from a stranger than a friend or relative...then everyone would have obviously known (or will know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want him to tell me and bring her to our place for threesome.

It is posts like this, and the similarly themed one ("picky" poster @ 10:23 hoping for an odd number) which renew my damaged faith in womankind

[Anonymous]

I would want to know. But the person telling, I would want them to be discreet about it. Probably an anonymous tip would be the best. However, there are a lot of people who would probably want to "shoot the messenger" and you might not be the sympathetic do-gooder that you hope to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand, protection used? No. An ongoing love affair because our marriage was in a bad place, yes.

+1

[Anonymous]

I want to know it all. How will I put a price on my alimony/settlement without proper documentation.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to know and if some stranger told me my dh was cheating I probably wouldn't believe him/her anyway.

[Anonymous]

No.

As long as it was safe (no diseases, no pregnancy, no identity theft), discreet and not an emotional affair but a one time hook up due to bad judgement, and my spouse was remorseful, I do not want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to know it all. How will I put a price on my alimony/settlement without proper documentation.

Sorry to break this news but a spouse cheating is not the divorce payday you seem to think.
In dc, adultery isn't even a legal ground for divorce!
As for alimony, both dc and maryland only consider adultery if it directly affected the family finances.
virginia is a bit more punitive towards a cheating spouse, but proving adultery is usually hard and pretty expensive (legal fees).

[Anonymous]

To people who would rather remain clueless: are you not afraid of waking up one day with herpes, chlamydia or worse? And then wondering what hit you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To people who would rather remain clueless: are you not afraid of waking up one day with herpes, chlamydia or worse? And then wondering what hit you?

No. I am not afraid of waking one day with std or worse. However, I am very afraid of global warming, war and pandemics. Those are more probable and real.