Divorcing a spouse with a chronic illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the earlier linked article:

A new study examines the role gender plays in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.

According to researchers, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient.

Jesus, guys, your sex is not looking too good. I had no idea the disparity was so stark.

There may be a reason for this that most are not considering.

I was diagnosed with an acute, incurable illness in my early 40s. Debilitating that kept me mostly bed ridden with constant nausea among other effects. An illness that often resulted in death. My wife took good care of me in helping with the most basic of assistance. I did not expect her to take care of me the rest of my life if I survived. I loved her. I often thought of divorcing her so that she could continue to live because she was much too young to be straddled with my constant care. I did not want to rob her of her remaining life. That would've been much more selfish than I'm capable of. It's quite possible that more women than men have the same perspective. Divorce the husband so that he can be free to live. Out of Love.

My story had a happy ending. After almost 2.5 yrs of being bedridden and feeling like crap all the time with an incurable illness, I made a conscience decision to stop the medication that was supposedly keeping me alive. Amazing thing happened. I began to get better. In another 6 mths or so, I became mobile again and continued to get better. Turns out the Doctors diagnosis was incorrect. That was 15 yrs ago. I'm happily married to the same woman and will gladly take care of her for the rest of her life should she become ill, as she was doing for me.
Divorce because of an illness would be low life, unless out of love for the caring spouse. Divorce for other reasons are acceptable IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the earlier linked article:

A new study examines the role gender plays in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.

According to researchers, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient.

Jesus, guys, your sex is not looking too good. I had no idea the disparity was so stark.

There may be a reason for this that most are not considering.

I was diagnosed with an acute, incurable illness in my early 40s. Debilitating that kept me mostly bed ridden with constant nausea among other effects. An illness that often resulted in death. My wife took good care of me in helping with the most basic of assistance. I did not expect her to take care of me the rest of my life if I survived. I loved her. I often thought of divorcing her so that she could continue to live because she was much too young to be straddled with my constant care. I did not want to rob her of her remaining life. That would've been much more selfish than I'm capable of. It's quite possible that more women than men have the same perspective. Divorce the husband so that he can be free to live. Out of Love.

My story had a happy ending. After almost 2.5 yrs of being bedridden and feeling like crap all the time with an incurable illness, I made a conscience decision to stop the medication that was supposedly keeping me alive. Amazing thing happened. I began to get better. In another 6 mths or so, I became mobile again and continued to get better. Turns out the Doctors diagnosis was incorrect. That was 15 yrs ago. I'm happily married to the same woman and will gladly take care of her for the rest of her life should she become ill, as she was doing for me.
Divorce because of an illness would be low life, unless out of love for the caring spouse. Divorce for other reasons are acceptable IMHO.

I hope you sued the living s*** out of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, quit with the vague bullshit. What's going on? If your spouse is withholding sex and affection, and being mean then leave. The illness or lack of one makes no difference. If the spouse is expecting you to do things you can't do such as ditch work to serve them tea and toast in bed, then leave. If the spouse is refusing to participate in activities that are enjoyable to you then leave. My point is the spouse ill or not has to meet you halfway. He or she can use a wheelchair if walking or standing is difficult. They can quit work so they have energy for you. There may be tasks that make more sense for you to do but that doesn't mean the spouse gets to sit on their ass and not contribute to your emotional and sexual health. If your spouse is able to sit at home all day, parts of their body work. Their mind works. Both can be used to be a loving partner. If the spouse chooses not to do that, then leave. For you, you have to realize that parts of their body and mind may not work as well as other people. Still, and this is a quote from Stephen Hawking, "no matter how bad things get, there is always something you can do and be proud of". It's up to the ill spouse to do that and not regard the well spouse as a servant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the earlier linked article:

A new study examines the role gender plays in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.

According to researchers, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient.

Jesus, guys, your sex is not looking too good. I had no idea the disparity was so stark.

I think it reflects that men tend to be more rational thinkers and women tend to be more emotional thinkers - especially when it comes to decision making. Just to be clear ladies, I am not saying YOU don't think rationally. I'm saying for purposes of explaining these statistical results women tend to think more emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the earlier linked article:

A new study examines the role gender plays in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.

According to researchers, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient.

Jesus, guys, your sex is not looking too good. I had no idea the disparity was so stark.

There may be a reason for this that most are not considering.

I was diagnosed with an acute, incurable illness in my early 40s. Debilitating that kept me mostly bed ridden with constant nausea among other effects. An illness that often resulted in death. My wife took good care of me in helping with the most basic of assistance. I did not expect her to take care of me the rest of my life if I survived. I loved her. I often thought of divorcing her so that she could continue to live because she was much too young to be straddled with my constant care. I did not want to rob her of her remaining life. That would've been much more selfish than I'm capable of. It's quite possible that more women than men have the same perspective. Divorce the husband so that he can be free to live. Out of Love.

My story had a happy ending. After almost 2.5 yrs of being bedridden and feeling like crap all the time with an incurable illness, I made a conscience decision to stop the medication that was supposedly keeping me alive. Amazing thing happened. I began to get better. In another 6 mths or so, I became mobile again and continued to get better. Turns out the Doctors diagnosis was incorrect. That was 15 yrs ago. I'm happily married to the same woman and will gladly take care of her for the rest of her life should she become ill, as she was doing for me.
Divorce because of an illness would be low life, unless out of love for the caring spouse. Divorce for other reasons are acceptable IMHO.

I hope you sued the living s*** out of them.

I hope any time you make the smallest misjudgment in your career that somebody sues you. You have no idea what the full story is here. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

My disabled husband recently divorced me. I would have preferred to stay together but he refused to bathe, have a conversation, or turn off the tv so I could sleep before I had to go to work. Because he refused to do these things, I moved out to save my sanity but live 10 min. away. He believes the divorce is my fault because I was the one who left. Never mind that I have my own chronic illness to deal with, and sleep is a necessity. He blames his illness for being "unable " to bathe, converse, or otherwise be a partner in the relationship. It's been difficult, I love him but the smell and feeling invisible in our home were too much to bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

I went through this recently. DH got injured and was in a lot of pain. He was Hell on Wheels to deal with. I told him, after he'd recovered, that if he became ill or injured again, I would not care for him. I would send him to a nursing home. I could not take the abuse. It was unbelievable. Not physical, but screaming, ordering me about, bitching constantly, demanding, complaining, criticizing, and blaming me for everything that wasn't going right. DH is NOT like this at all normally. But when he was in constant pain, he was impossible to live with. I made a marriage vow, but no one should put up with something like this. I can't do it. Not again. It was horrendous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What if your marriage was on the rocks before and then the spouse gets a chronic illness.

You have to separate out the two issues. It's wrong to abandon someone who needs your help. If you have not worked out your issues, and an illness intervenes, you still have to work out those issues, but you may have to deal with the illness first before you can finish working out the issues that threaten your marriage.

In times of stress caused by an illness, it may be very difficult to separate out what's due to the illness, and what's due to the original problems in the marriage.

You need counseling, OP, to help you and your spouse sort these things out. It's too much to try to handle on your own.

But if you are just ready to throw in the towel, and this is the icing on the cake, I'd say it's pretty bad to leave a spouse who has just been diagnosed with a chronic illness. Try to wait until your spouse is stable, then walk out if that is your intention. But it's cruel to use the illness as an excuse to leave, despite other problems with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

poor choice of metaphor! "icing on the cake" ought to be "the last straw"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

At an airport a few years ago, I saw an older man in a wheelchair yelling obscenities at his wife while she was trying to patiently assist him. If I were in her shoes, I would have left him muttering to himself until he could be civil. You can't say what you would do until you are in that position. If my spouse became abusive, I would continue to support them in every other way but I would not let myself be abused in my own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, quit with the vague bullshit. What's going on? If your spouse is withholding sex and affection, and being mean then leave. The illness or lack of one makes no difference. If the spouse is expecting you to do things you can't do such as ditch work to serve them tea and toast in bed, then leave. If the spouse is refusing to participate in activities that are enjoyable to you then leave. My point is the spouse ill or not has to meet you halfway. He or she can use a wheelchair if walking or standing is difficult. They can quit work so they have energy for you. There may be tasks that make more sense for you to do but that doesn't mean the spouse gets to sit on their ass and not contribute to your emotional and sexual health. If your spouse is able to sit at home all day, parts of their body work. Their mind works. Both can be used to be a loving partner. If the spouse chooses not to do that, then leave. For you, you have to realize that parts of their body and mind may not work as well as other people. Still, and this is a quote from Stephen Hawking, "no matter how bad things get, there is always something you can do and be proud of". It's up to the ill spouse to do that and not regard the well spouse as a servant.

Quoting Stephen Hawking for marital advice? LOL!

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on why you are leaving them. Were you planning to leave all along and then they got sick, so now you're stuck? I don't necessarily think someone should feel pressure to stay with someone just because that person is sick.

I think it would be pretty horrible to leave someone just because they got sick, if you were happy before that. That sickness/health part of the vows isn't just for show.

That said, I actually feel like there is a gray area when you're talking about mental health vs. physical health. I can't imagine leaving a spouse who got cancer, but if a spouse developed a mental illness and refused to deal with it, I would probably leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

At an airport a few years ago, I saw an older man in a wheelchair yelling obscenities at his wife while she was trying to patiently assist him. If I were in her shoes, I would have left him muttering to himself until he could be civil. You can't say what you would do until you are in that position. If my spouse became abusive, I would continue to support them in every other way but I would not let myself be abused in my own home.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You only get one life. You need to do what makes you happy. Just try to be as compassionate as possible to your ex and make sure he/she has what they need.

Right. Because everyone's sole goal in life should be to be "happy." Whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I know about chronic illnesses.
It messes with your mind, and you become a lot more self-centered and psychologically fragile than you were before. It's sometimes extremely difficult to be the spouse or the child of that person!

So it's very personal. My mother has MS, and it has magnified her worst faults. My father is a saint for dealing with her, frankly. I moved far away.