Divorcing a spouse with a chronic illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine leaving someone you love when they are in need. It makes me think you didn't truly love them in the first place.


In my own family experience, the person who left his long-term girlfriend when she got a cancer diagnosis was both week and very self-centered. He's was in it when it benefitted him. And gone when it didn't. I will never look at him in the same way again.

I am late 30s and still not married. And a lot of that is because I ask myself, do I want to take care of this person if he gets cancer or hit by a bus? And if the answer is no.....then I figure I shouldn't marry him.

I respect your position. At least you are intellectually honest and are approaching this with integrity.

The best way to look at this is if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if your spouse decided that because of your health he/she wanted to end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I am someone with a couple of chronic illnesses....cancer & cardiac issues. My thinking is that it would be morally repugnant to divorce someone because of the chronic disease.

With that said, in all likelihood, the divorce has nothing to do with the medical issues. I would have no problem with divorcing for other reasons.

In my case, my fundamental outlook on life changed when I got sick. I went from worrying about everything to figuring it is best to live each day. I changed. Serious medical issues do that. It is possible to find ones partner incompatible after the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a cousin who was married to a guy who developed MS. He became abusive due to his anger at losing mobility and began an affair with his home health aide who took care of him while his wife was at work to afford his health insurance, and all his health needs.

So she divorced him. I don't think she's wrong.

She didn't divorce him because he got sick. This is different.

I do agree that sickness or disability is often too difficult to deal with for both partners. I don't think there's a hard and fast rule about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that society will probably look down on it, But are there any circumstances where it is okay to do for the mouse with a chronic illness such as MS or something like that. Or do you just stick it out with the person for ever and considerate your cross to bear?

If there is a reason to divorce. such as infidelity, abuse, discovering the chronically ill spouse is a sexual predator, then nothing would hold me back.

Divorcing a person who has a serious chronic illness "just because" would be a shitty thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're thinking of divorce and spouse gets real sick... Forget about divorce ... Develop your compassion and sacrifice . It's why we are here on this Earth.

No. Just no.

As I said in another post, divorcing someone with a serious cronical condition "just because" it's a shitty thing to do.

Divorcing that person *because* of his/her condition is an even shittier thing to do.

But I vehemently reject the idea that we're on this Earth to sacrifice. Screw that noise. It can be unbelievably dangerous. We're not here to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a cousin who was married to a guy who developed MS. He became abusive due to his anger at losing mobility and began an affair with his home health aide who took care of him while his wife was at work to afford his health insurance, and all his health needs.

So she divorced him. I don't think she's wrong.

Good for your cousin for high-tailing it out of that "marriage". No way in heck I'd have stayed, either.

[Anonymous]

I have also heard of the opposite - the person with the illness leaves their spouse if they recover. So, one spouse has been there supporting the sick spouse through cancer or whatever just to be faced with a recovered spouse who has a new outlook on life and leaves them. Think Lance Armstrong.

[Anonymous]

The main thing I've heard of is the ill person leaving their spouse because their spouse wasn't supportive enough during the illness.

[Anonymous]

Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

+1 I know what you mean! DH has a chronic illness and the warm funny guy I married is long gone. And I have cried many tears about that. He does not think he is abusive but his illness induced rages are tough to bear. Money plays a role also -- he put plenty aside before the illness. We are both older, so facing life without him is just not something I want to do, despite all, still love him.

[Anonymous]

OP this has been studied. Men are more likely to leave women in this situation than women are to leave men.

http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/11/11/men-more-likely-to-abandon-partner-during-illness/9479.html

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't divorce a spouse *because* of the chronic illness, but I don't think that I would let a spouse's chronic illness stop me from divorcing if the divorce was based on other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're thinking of divorce and spouse gets real sick... Forget about divorce ... Develop your compassion and sacrifice . It's why we are here on this Earth.

No. Just no.

As I said in another post, divorcing someone with a serious cronical condition "just because" it's a shitty thing to do.

Divorcing that person *because* of his/her condition is an even shittier thing to do.

But I vehemently reject the idea that we're on this Earth to sacrifice. Screw that noise. It can be unbelievably dangerous. We're not here to be miserable.

+1
We are most certainly not here to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same situation - spouse with a chronic illness, bad marriage. For years the illness was a non-issue and the marriage was not good, and now both the illness and the marriage are worse.

My issues with spouse and our marriage are independent of the illness, but it is a complicating factor for sure.

I don't know what the answer is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you people ever lived with someone with a chronic illness? Do you know how angry and mean they can be?
Those with chronic illness take their anger and frustration out on the person closest to them...their spouse.
Do you know what it's like to be critisized and screamed at, while still being expected to care for them, clean, cook, shop and work full-time? You get no support, sex or intimacy.
It's miserable. Don't judge. You truly have no idea.

+1 I know what you mean! DH has a chronic illness and the warm funny guy I married is long gone. And I have cried many tears about that. He does not think he is abusive but his illness induced rages are tough to bear. Money plays a role also -- he put plenty aside before the illness. We are both older, so facing life without him is just not something I want to do, despite all, still love him.

+1

DH is not the guy I married. He is a cranky PITA. Intimacy dissolved years ago.

Unlike you, however, I fantasize about life without him.