SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it is real. I got a request to join meal train for someone with twins and both sets of parents who rented apartments close by to help for the first 6 months.
Meal train had laundry list of do s and don'ts plus suggestions of errands we could run including picking up/dropping off hisbands dry cleaning.

Holy shit. What the hell were both sets of parents there for?

I don't want to derail this thread, but it was just as hilarious and "world is rotating around us" that I will share some of the best parts:
1. How to pronounce the kids names, acceptable versus unacceptable nicknames " Annie is ok, but no Anna banana please" ( made up to protect identity)
2. Errands did include picking up husbands dry cleaning, but also dog walking and toiletries like laundry detergent, paper towels etc were suggested
3. Signs that you needed to leave included babies crying, but also they wanted you to run the errands and clean during this time.
4. I'm pretty sure there was something about monetary donations like a cheery " feel free to leave a nice surprise for the new parents in the money jar " or something that effect.
Of course I never saw said money jar since I never ever went over there.

[Anonymous]

I'm the 19:04, I had not read the e-mail prior to responding. Wow, your SIL is something else. I think it's the hype of being a new parent. Give her a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Unless she almost died in childbirth and her baby is seriously ill that email is gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send a gift and a note that says something like "looking forward to seeing you all when you are fully recovered. It would be nice to meet for lunch when you feel up to it."

I've got enough errands and cleaning to do. I'm not heading to someone's house to help them do theirs unless they are a single parent with very little or no family in the area to help. DH needs to step up his game. That's what being a parent means.

+1

This is perfect. And it is a mature, gracious, appropriate response. NEVER EVER tell a new mother you are there to see the baby and not them. EVER. It will reflect horribly on the person who says it. It is the new mother's house. Don't be impossibly rude. I know MILs that pull this crap, and believe me, the new mom never forgets how awful the MIL was, when MIL should be taking this opportunity to either help graciously, or graciously decline. Either way, be the bigger person. Help or don't, but don't be an a-hole. And don't look for verbal digs to a new mom - there is no excuse for rotten behavior to a new mom, especially if you have been through it.

It sounds like your SIL has few coping mechanisms, and maybe no support. Does she have friends? Does she have helpful family nearby (I might have missed that)?

I'll just give you an example: We have been barked at (really) by family that thought they had it so hard; when all we wanted to do was see the baby, and would have gladly helped once there - when we saw it was wanted/needed. In this example, it was family. They were unnecessarily rude. It will never be forgotten.

In our own case, we had unexpected surgery, could not do stairs, or drive, as I think most new mothers are ordered. We had no food (lost electricity in a storm, lost all self prepped meals and food, hundreds of dollars of food, and hours of prep work). No clean water, as the county had robocalled and told us not to use the water, for anything, especially drinking or consumption. No electricity. Nothing. MIL came over and acted like she resented being there, didn't want to help, only wanted bragging rights. It was awful. So in a way, I understand where SIL is coming from - she just didn't go about it the right way.

I also understand helpless husbands, unfortunately. It's a pain, but the husband needs to step up. This includes standing up to any rude people. If not, I fully give the new mom carte blanche, based on my personal experiences. But being pejorative in an interceptive manner? Bad approach.

It should be a calm and peaceful time for the new mother, but SIL needs to get more of a grip. If she really needs that much help, she needs to outsource. If she really wants no visitors, she needs to say no visitors.

If I w3ere you, I would wait until things calm down a bit, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the mom is a high strung person who had a difficult delivery. The best thing would be for her to chill out, formula feed, nd get some sleep. But in place of that she is trying to exert control by obsessing over visitor rules. Not that anything she put in there is by itself unreasonable, but put together it just radiates anxiety. Op just play along for now and do what you can to support the family. Sounds like she is having a tough time.

what? maybe BF will be easy, calming for her and baby, and a source of peace and comfort for them both? are you projecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure it is real. I got a request to join meal train for someone with twins and both sets of parents who rented apartments close by to help for the first 6 months.
Meal train had laundry list of do s and don'ts plus suggestions of errands we could run including picking up/dropping off hisbands dry cleaning.

Holy shit. What the hell were both sets of parents there for?

I don't want to derail this thread, but it was just as hilarious and "world is rotating around us" that I will share some of the best parts:
1. How to pronounce the kids names, acceptable versus unacceptable nicknames " Annie is ok, but no Anna banana please" ( made up to protect identity)
2. Errands did include picking up husbands dry cleaning, but also dog walking and toiletries like laundry detergent, paper towels etc were suggested
3. Signs that you needed to leave included babies crying, but also they wanted you to run the errands and clean during this time.
4. I'm pretty sure there was something about monetary donations like a cheery " feel free to leave a nice surprise for the new parents in the money jar " or something that effect.
Of course I never saw said money jar since I never ever went over there.

Holy crap. How I wish my BILs would marry and be subjected to THIS kind of DIL! Oh, pretty please with a cherry on top!!!! This would make me so happy.

[Anonymous]

Not to split hairs, but you misrepresented it a little bit. In your first post, you say they requested a dish. In the actual email, they asked not to bring a dish unless you talked to them first because they don't really need more.

[Anonymous]

LOL! ! I wouldn't go or respond to the email. Send a card of congratulations and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

I don't see anything wrong with the email and I would help out as much as I could. What's the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Her email is totally over the top but give her a break. It sounds like she has postpartum anxiety, which is a disease. Try to be kind and let her think she can control the things she can when her whole world feels completely out of control - it's probably the only thing helping her through this tough transition.

[Anonymous]

I would schedule a visit just to see the baby. I would act like I was going to help out and then tell them that I just got a text and need to leave. The end.

[Anonymous]

This is perfect. And it is a mature, gracious, appropriate response. NEVER EVER tell a new mother you are there to see the baby and not them. EVER. It will reflect horribly on the person who says it. It is the new mother's house. Don't be impossibly rude. I know MILs that pull this crap, and believe me, the new mom never forgets how awful the MIL was, when MIL should be taking this opportunity to either help graciously, or graciously decline. Either way, be the bigger person. Help or don't, but don't be an a-hole. And don't look for verbal digs to a new mom - there is no excuse for rotten behavior to a new mom, especially if you have been through it.

It sounds like your SIL has few coping mechanisms, and maybe no support. Does she have friends? Does she have helpful family nearby (I might have missed that)?

I'll just give you an example: We have been barked at (really) by family that thought they had it so hard; when all we wanted to do was see the baby, and would have gladly helped once there - when we saw it was wanted/needed. In this example, it was family. They were unnecessarily rude. It will never be forgotten.

In our own case, we had unexpected surgery, could not do stairs, or drive, as I think most new mothers are ordered. We had no food (lost electricity in a storm, lost all self prepped meals and food, hundreds of dollars of food, and hours of prep work). No clean water, as the county had robocalled and told us not to use the water, for anything, especially drinking or consumption. No electricity. Nothing. MIL came over and acted like she resented being there, didn't want to help, only wanted bragging rights. It was awful. So in a way, I understand where SIL is coming from - she just didn't go about it the right way.


+ 1000 most rational response in this forum.
I also understand helpless husbands, unfortunately. It's a pain, but the husband needs to step up. This includes standing up to any rude people. If not, I fully give the new mom carte blanche, based on my personal experiences. But being pejorative in an interceptive manner? Bad approach.

It should be a calm and peaceful time for the new mother, but SIL needs to get more of a grip. If she really needs that much help, she needs to outsource. If she really wants no visitors, she needs to say no visitors.

If I w3ere you, I would wait until things calm down a bit, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is perfect. And it is a mature, gracious, appropriate response. NEVER EVER tell a new mother you are there to see the baby and not them. EVER. It will reflect horribly on the person who says it. It is the new mother's house. Don't be impossibly rude. I know MILs that pull this crap, and believe me, the new mom never forgets how awful the MIL was, when MIL should be taking this opportunity to either help graciously, or graciously decline. Either way, be the bigger person. Help or don't, but don't be an a-hole. And don't look for verbal digs to a new mom - there is no excuse for rotten behavior to a new mom, especially if you have been through it.

It sounds like your SIL has few coping mechanisms, and maybe no support. Does she have friends? Does she have helpful family nearby (I might have missed that)?

I'll just give you an example: We have been barked at (really) by family that thought they had it so hard; when all we wanted to do was see the baby, and would have gladly helped once there - when we saw it was wanted/needed. In this example, it was family. They were unnecessarily rude. It will never be forgotten.

In our own case, we had unexpected surgery, could not do stairs, or drive, as I think most new mothers are ordered. We had no food (lost electricity in a storm, lost all self prepped meals and food, hundreds of dollars of food, and hours of prep work). No clean water, as the county had robocalled and told us not to use the water, for anything, especially drinking or consumption. No electricity. Nothing. MIL came over and acted like she resented being there, didn't want to help, only wanted bragging rights. It was awful. So in a way, I understand where SIL is coming from - she just didn't go about it the right way.

+1000 most rational response


+ 1000 most rational response in this forum.
I also understand helpless husbands, unfortunately. It's a pain, but the husband needs to step up. This includes standing up to any rude people. If not, I fully give the new mom carte blanche, based on my personal experiences. But being pejorative in an interceptive manner? Bad approach.

It should be a calm and peaceful time for the new mother, but SIL needs to get more of a grip. If she really needs that much help, she needs to outsource. If she really wants no visitors, she needs to say no visitors.

If I w3ere you, I would wait until things calm down a bit, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

Are you effing kidding me? My kids had probably 4 Dr appointments in the first two months! Your ped is a moron

I'm not the poster you are referring to but had the same instructions. The ped is not a moron. You may or may not be a moron but you are ignorant.

I had premature twins and got the same advice. Our twins came home during cold/flu/rsv season after lengthy nicu stays. We were told to keep them away from sick people, children and not to take the babies out in public including to malls etc for several months. Our children did go to peds/specialists appointments often twice a week. The fear is rsv. It can be deadly to infants particularly premature infants. It isn't moronic to not take baby out in public. Any nurse in a picu can tell you about rsv. Our children had many appointments with specialists after they came home from the nicu and the staff at the various offices always ushered us into a separate area to keep our children away from the people in the waiting room.

It's so great to hear from all the parents who mock the parents who know better. There was another poster on this site who was being bashed because she seemed reluctant to take her 3 week old with a fever to the emergency room. The infant had gotten the flu from a sick visitor. Standard procedure for an infant with a fever over 100.3 is an emergency room visit, a blood draw, and a spinal tap.

I think the list of requirements is reasonable. No sick adults, current on vaccines, no children and wash your hands. I also would only let a few immediate family members hold my children. I think the parents asking for help with chores was an honest plea for help and not a rude demand. I think most of us would never ask but would have loved it.

[Anonymous]

OMG! I agree that you should respond that you'll hold off on visiting until she's recovered and had enough bonding time.

Our ped, who is definitely neither ignorant nor a moron, also suggested that we not take the baby out for two months. Baby was born in the middle of flu season btw. At 3 months, he developed a fever & ended up in the hospital where a nasty nurse told me he probably wouldn't have been there if I hadn't taken him out.