Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you hope to accomplish? You can't rewind the clock and make him redo it. Is there anything that would satisfy you? It sounds like you just need to vent, even though it can't change anything.

You need to be clear on what your desired outcome is. Do you want him to take some action? Do you want him to stay away from you forever? Do you want him just to acknowledge that he screwed up? Be extremely clear with him.

This is key--what you want. Venting your feelings is important, however, if your brother is like my sister, they will fein mock shock that they did anything wrong and will some how pin it back on you.

Don't burn the bridge completely on the relationship when feelings are raw. Your dad doesn't need that right now. Of course, you don't need to help him move any more. See--there is an upside.

(Your brother was being a dick--birthday party never trumps stroke.)

Especially an "uncle-in-law." UNCLE-IN-LAW?! WTF?!?!?! If I were in OP's shoe's I'd be pissed too.

OP - is this kind of thing a pattern with your brother or is this out of the ordinary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is why you had to move your father in five days. There is no way he didn't have months, if not years, of
Notice before he was foreclosed on. Maybe your father is irresponsible and your brother doesn't really feel like changing his life/plans to help out. Also, foreclosure & no savings sounds like someone who didn't downsize soon enough.

Exactly why a family meeting is in order to hash things out and not just accuse. Could find out that there is more to the story than you have right now. And personally, i would be pissed if you called and told me I owed you some money. I hope the allocation of funds and who can pay what was discussed and agreeed upon ahead of time. Personally, I don't like people deciding what my bills are going to be. OP, you have a loooong road ahead, you might want to find out everything and come to a meeting of the minds before you get entrenched into believing you were totally wronged and are now a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, good job on leaving the voicemail. I admire the way you handled it.

I don't know - I think this is kind of a cop out. Of course he's not going to call back after you scolded him on voice mail. OP should have left a vague message asking him to call so that they could discuss the situation with dad. She threw her chips on the table and now he knows exactly what he's in for if he calls back. She basically gave him an out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, good job on leaving the voicemail. I admire the way you handled it.

I don't know - I think this is kind of a cop out. Of course he's not going to call back after you scolded him on voice mail. OP should have left a vague message asking him to call so that they could discuss the situation with dad. She threw her chips on the table and now he knows exactly what he's in for if he calls back. She basically gave him an out.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, good job on leaving the voicemail. I admire the way you handled it.

I don't know - I think this is kind of a cop out. Of course he's not going to call back after you scolded him on voice mail. OP should have left a vague message asking him to call so that they could discuss the situation with dad. She threw her chips on the table and now he knows exactly what he's in for if he calls back. She basically gave him an out.

Let's not fool ourselves. That brother was going to be out of there anyway. Scumbag.

[Anonymous]

I'd just tell him the truth that he was needed, you counted on him helping and are hurt and angry with him for not keeping his word.

[Anonymous]

NP - If my MIL had a stroke and needed help moving my DH would not look to me for an excuse for getting out of his obligations to his parents and he knows it. DH, DC and I would be there. Do you expect your DC to treat you like this? Model the behavior you would like to see in your children when you are old and enfeebled.

Thanks for the advice, but my own parents, and, for that matter, the in-laws, are modeling the behavior that all of us should emulate. They have, for example, paid off their mortgages. If they should, unfortunately, develop cognitive disabilities we wouldn't let things go on until there's a crisis. What made all the work for OP wasn't her elderly father's health, it was the foreclosure, which could have been avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP - If my MIL had a stroke and needed help moving my DH would not look to me for an excuse for getting out of his obligations to his parents and he knows it. DH, DC and I would be there. Do you expect your DC to treat you like this? Model the behavior you would like to see in your children when you are old and enfeebled.

Thanks for the advice, but my own parents, and, for that matter, the in-laws, are modeling the behavior that all of us should emulate. They have, for example, paid off their mortgages. If they should, unfortunately, develop cognitive disabilities we wouldn't let things go on until there's a crisis. What made all the work for OP wasn't her elderly father's health, it was the foreclosure, which could have been avoided.

?? So, you believe that the elderly father should not have been helped at all just because of his fiscal irresponsibility? Or, just that the one brother was justified in not helping, letting the entire burden fall on someone else's shoulders, like op or even the state. Seems heartless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
?? So, you believe that the elderly father should not have been helped at all just because of his fiscal irresponsibility? Or, just that the one brother was justified in not helping, letting the entire burden fall on someone else's shoulders, like op or even the state. Seems heartless.

No, OP is being self-indulgent. She wants to scold her brother for not helping in the way and at the exact time she tells him to. She's upsetting her elderly father and alienating a brother who may well be ready to help at another time, especially if people plan a little better in the future.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely right poster, as the OP and my addiction to self indulgence I perfectly planned for my father to have a stroke at the exact same time his house was going to be sold at foreclosure auction just so I could yell at my brother for taking a trip for his wife's uncles birthday. I in fact planned it so perfectly that I would destroy my savings to swiftly plan the move whilst cramming my remaining family members into our tiny apartment so I could laugh at everyone's misery.

Hide behind your computer screen and type whatever you want. You seem like a horrible creature and I have already received helpful advice to deal with this crisis.

I wish that you and your family never have to experience anything remotely related to what we have been dealing with. It was horrible and its over. My brother will have to live with the choices hes made during the process, I myself am going to sleep just fine tonight knowing I did whatever I could do to help a loved one who found themselves in an unfortunate situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are absolutely right poster, as the OP and my addiction to self indulgence I perfectly planned for my father to have a stroke at the exact same time his house was going to be sold at foreclosure auction just so I could yell at my brother for taking a trip for his wife's uncles birthday. I in fact planned it so perfectly that I would destroy my savings to swiftly plan the move whilst cramming my remaining family members into our tiny apartment so I could laugh at everyone's misery.

Hide behind your computer screen and type whatever you want. You seem like a horrible creature and I have already received helpful advice to deal with this crisis.

I wish that you and your family never have to experience anything remotely related to what we have been dealing with. It was horrible and its over. My brother will have to live with the choices hes made during the process, I myself am going to sleep just fine tonight knowing I did whatever I could do to help a loved one who found themselves in an unfortunate situation.

Nasty, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

^ Nah. That was a pretty reasonable response, given what she's dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Nah. That was a pretty reasonable response, given what she's dealing with.

She needs therapy to help her deal with her anger.