Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home

[Anonymous]

To those who are saying he had no obligation to his family once he put a ring on it, I wish you long and happy marriages to whoever your hitched to. Cause with that way of thinking, you're looking at one lonely existence in the event something happens between you and your spouse.

My husband would be out on his butt had he suggested we go party if my father even needed something as simple as a tree branch cut down and asked for help.

[Anonymous]

You probably won't have to worry about him coming to your home for Thanksgiving. He sounds like the type that will probably have "other plans" now that your invalid dad is staying with you as that would probably be too much of an inconvenience and reality check for him.

Your dad needs help and your brother needs to face it. Forget the pussyfooting--I would read your brother the riot act just to get it off your chest.

[Anonymous]

Your father will need more help in the future, especially since he seems not to be managing his finances well. How did it happen that the house was about to go into foreclosure?

Your brother may be better able to help in other ways, especially if you can get together and make plans to make future crises less likely. Health crises you can't do much about, but financial crises can usually be avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Forget the pussyfooting--I would read your brother the riot act just to get it off your chest.

And to make life more difficult than it is for the elderly father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband would be out on his butt had he suggested we go party if my father even needed something as simple as a tree branch cut down and asked for help.

Does he feel the same way about you? What if MIL needs something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband would be out on his butt had he suggested we go party if my father even needed something as simple as a tree branch cut down and asked for help.

Does he feel the same way about you? What if MIL needs something?

NP - If my MIL had a stroke and needed help moving my DH would not look to me for an excuse for getting out of his obligations to his parents and he knows it. DH, DC and I would be there. Do you expect your DC to treat you like this? Model the behavior you would like to see in your children when you are old and enfeebled.

[Anonymous]

I would certainly ask (not accuse) your brother why he did not assist with the move and make him understand this is a FAMILY responsibility and priority. Going forward, with your father in your home, do not accept all responsibility 24/7 for his care. Can your father be alone during the day? Does he need help showering, eating etc? Put both brothers on a schedule to visit,sit with, read, go to lunch etc with your dad even if it is only weekend help. Believe me, you will need a break. If everyone doesn't contribute, resentments will build up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know your brother will cuss you out?

And he has moved that often in two years?

I thinkmot is time you realized your brother isn't to be counted on and stop trying to count on him. Focus your energies on finding resources and services you can count on.


I'm sorry.

I wondered about this too. If your brother is a guy who would cuss you out for expressing your frustration then I would decrease your expectations of him. As PP recommended, when he checks in with you in a few days be truthful and tell him that the move was very hard on you, your younger brother and DH and the three of you had to work around the clock for a week. I would let him know what your expenses are and what he owes. And I would ask for a family meeting to discuss your dad's needs, and what each of you is able to manage as far as caretaking duties. You know your brother best -- how do you imagine he might react if you share your feelings of disappointment with him, in the (non-explosive) way PP's gave suggested?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone OP here, I took your advice and called him and left a voicemail since he didn't answer. I asked him if we could meet to discuss dads needs and I said the moving expenses were this amount and could he pay for half. That was two days ago and still have not heard back from him. Not sure how to move forward. I don't even care to hear excuses or apologizes at this point. I just feel I need to close the chapter on this book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone OP here, I took your advice and called him and left a voicemail since he didn't answer. I asked him if we could meet to discuss dads needs and I said the moving expenses were this amount and could he pay for half. That was two days ago and still have not heard back from him. Not sure how to move forward. I don't even care to hear excuses or apologizes at this point. I just feel I need to close the chapter on this book. [/quote

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like he's closing the chapter by telling you he doesn't plan to help. I'd have that meeting with just your youngest brother and figure out how the two of you are going to manage your dad's care without your other brother's help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone OP here, I took your advice and called him and left a voicemail since he didn't answer. I asked him if we could meet to discuss dads needs and I said the moving expenses were this amount and could he pay for half. That was two days ago and still have not heard back from him. Not sure how to move forward. I don't even care to hear excuses or apologizes at this point. I just feel I need to close the chapter on this book.

You've done more than you've needed to get him to step up and show what kind of person he is. Now it's up to him.

I'd expect nothing from now on. If he does initiate, then be very clear about what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone OP here, I took your advice and called him and left a voicemail since he didn't answer. I asked him if we could meet to discuss dads needs and I said the moving expenses were this amount and could he pay for half. That was two days ago and still have not heard back from him. Not sure how to move forward. I don't even care to hear excuses or apologizes at this point. I just feel I need to close the chapter on this book.

You've done more than you've needed to get him to step up and show what kind of person he is. Now it's up to him.

I'd expect nothing from now on. If he does initiate, then be very clear about what you need.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, good job on leaving the voicemail. I admire the way you handled it.

[Anonymous]

OP, a PP here. No more voice mails. This is a conversation that needs to happen in person. If the other brother can be there, even better. Consider whether your brother's spouse would be an asset during the conversation or not.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is why you had to move your father in five days. There is no way he didn't have months, if not years, of
Notice before he was foreclosed on. Maybe your father is irresponsible and your brother doesn't really feel like changing his life/plans to help out. Also, foreclosure & no savings sounds like someone who didn't downsize soon enough.