Help with what to say to my brother about not helping move my father out of his home

[Anonymous]

My father recently suffered a stroke and needed to be moved out of his home immediately to come live with my husband and I. I have two brothers that live local. My youngest brother and I (and my husband) took off of work last week to clear the house out. We worked for about 6 days straight nonstop getting the house ready. Our other brother was out of town for work until Thursday. We spoke throughout the week and he said he would come immediately over on thursday after he landed to help out over the weekend. When Thursday rolled around and he called when he got in, he said that his plans had changed and he had to go out of town for his uncle in laws birthday party.

I was shocked. We were down to the wire getting my dad out and cancelled a trip to visit my in laws to be there for my father. Not to mention the cost, my husband and I ended up putting all of the moving, storage, uhaul, and landfill expenses on our credit card. The total was almost $1500.00 which for us is not easy to spare.

I am so mad at my brother. I know he will call in the next couple of days to see how everything went and I do not want to instantly blow up at him. This was crazy to me that he would choose not to be there to help us. It was hard and painful and we are all exhausted and wiped. Not to mention my dad, who is now at our house, feels terrible even though none of this is his fault.

My husband is done with my brother and wants nothing more to do with him. Considering my husband has helped my brother and his wife move about 5 times in the past 2 years, he is so mad that my brother wasnt there to help.

I wanted to know if anyone had any advice about how to handle this. I dont want to just start yelling because my brother will just cuss me out and hang up. But i also dont want to bottle this up because this was a huge thing and it will only make me hate him.

[Anonymous]

What do you hope to accomplish? You can't rewind the clock and make him redo it. Is there anything that would satisfy you? It sounds like you just need to vent, even though it can't change anything.

"Doug, I am really upset that you didn't make it a priority to come help move Dad, even after you committed to. You backed out on the last minute. You left us in a lurch. We have helped you out a lot and when we asked for the family to pull together, you let us down. 1) I want you to know that we won't be able to assist you with these types of things in the future, like moving. 2) If you want to continue to have a good family relationship, you need to make amends, especially with my husband because he is especially upset. And 3) We spent a lot of money to complete this move. It would go a long way to apologizing if you would contribute at least $500 - more is better - as your part."

You need to be clear on what your desired outcome is. Do you want him to take some action? Do you want him to stay away from you forever? Do you want him just to acknowledge that he screwed up? Be extremely clear with him.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. We had to move my mil here from cross country. Brother lived there and would not help the past several years. Luckily we had a friend local who helped. It costs us thousands between the plane tickets, car rental and shipping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you hope to accomplish? You can't rewind the clock and make him redo it. Is there anything that would satisfy you? It sounds like you just need to vent, even though it can't change anything.

You need to be clear on what your desired outcome is. Do you want him to take some action? Do you want him to stay away from you forever? Do you want him just to acknowledge that he screwed up? Be extremely clear with him.

This is key--what you want. Venting your feelings is important, however, if your brother is like my sister, they will fein mock shock that they did anything wrong and will some how pin it back on you.

Don't burn the bridge completely on the relationship when feelings are raw. Your dad doesn't need that right now. Of course, you don't need to help him move any more. See--there is an upside.

(Your brother was being a dick--birthday party never trumps stroke.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you hope to accomplish? You can't rewind the clock and make him redo it. Is there anything that would satisfy you? It sounds like you just need to vent, even though it can't change anything.

"Doug, I am really upset that you didn't make it a priority to come help move Dad, even after you committed to. You backed out on the last minute. You left us in a lurch. We have helped you out a lot and when we asked for the family to pull together, you let us down. 1) I want you to know that we won't be able to assist you with these types of things in the future, like moving. 2) If you want to continue to have a good family relationship, you need to make amends, especially with my husband because he is especially upset. And 3) We spent a lot of money to complete this move. It would go a long way to apologizing if you would contribute at least $500 - more is better - as your part."

You need to be clear on what your desired outcome is. Do you want him to take some action? Do you want him to stay away from you forever? Do you want him just to acknowledge that he screwed up? Be extremely clear with him.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others. You aren't going to accomplish anything positive by saying something about him not helping. There is nothing good that will come out of telling him that you aren't going to help him in the future. If it were me, I'd tell him the move was difficult and that you need him to give you money for the costs you incurred.

I'm sorry. Unfortunately, speaking from experience, some siblings don't step up to the plate at times like this.

[Anonymous]

Things happen. Take your expenses out of the "estate" including pay for your labor hours. Expenses should be coming from your father.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. are you local too? If not, your local brother may very well have done far more for your dad over the years. Maybe he figured it was your turn.

And why did the house have to be all done at once? Couldn't the local brother do more a few days later?

[Anonymous]

OP, you should think about this as a marathon, not a sprint. You and the youngest brother pulled through this time around, and the time and money commitment were hefty. (Does your father have no money, and that's why you had to pay for the move yourselves?) But post-stroke there are (or at least there should be) therapies and lots of doctor's appointments, and elderly people don't always recover fully to become independent again. Maybe your middle brother already knows this is a long road, and sees himself as "up next".

The most productive conversation you could have with your middle brother is one about what the future holds. Who will be your father's primary caregiver while he's at your house, and how great are his needs? Even if you're getting in home health care, management of the caregivers is a big job. You're going to need relief on a regular basis. Is there also a house to sell? Finances to figure out?

Think about what you need to ask of your brothers. You don't need to single out the middle brother, but maybe it's fair for him to take on the next task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you hope to accomplish? You can't rewind the clock and make him redo it. Is there anything that would satisfy you? It sounds like you just need to vent, even though it can't change anything.

"Doug, I am really upset that you didn't make it a priority to come help move Dad, even after you committed to. You backed out on the last minute. You left us in a lurch. We have helped you out a lot and when we asked for the family to pull together, you let us down. 1) I want you to know that we won't be able to assist you with these types of things in the future, like moving. 2) If you want to continue to have a good family relationship, you need to make amends, especially with my husband because he is especially upset. And 3) We spent a lot of money to complete this move. It would go a long way to apologizing if you would contribute at least $500 - more is better - as your part."

You need to be clear on what your desired outcome is. Do you want him to take some action? Do you want him to stay away from you forever? Do you want him just to acknowledge that he screwed up? Be extremely clear with him.

This quoted part is awesome. Cut and paste it into an email. Send it. Well done PP.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything about it. I would send an itemized list of expenses via email to both your brothers. Ask for their share of the cost.

[Anonymous]

I would edit slightly . . .

"Doug, I am really upset that you didn't come help move Dad, especially after you committed to. You've moved a lot so you know how much work it is. We all changed plans to be there and when you backed out on the last minute, it left Bob and Joe to do all the work. This has also been really hard on dad emotionally and I could have used your support with some decision making. One more thing - we spent a lot of money to complete this move which we can either split 3 ways or take from dad's account. What are your thoughts?"

[Anonymous]

Doug, the expenses for moving Dad into our home amounted to $1500 rounded down. Your portion is $750. That covers expenses plus the extra time and effort that Joe, Marty, and I put into get everything squared away since you decided to bail on us. I suggest that you offer an apology to my husband. He is extremely upset by your decision to attend a birthday party for your wife's relative instead of helping us get Dad settled in our house.

[Anonymous]

Him not helping is jerky but get used to it. I am one of 5 and get no assistance with my mom

Re: the money. That is your dad's cost to bear. Not yours or your brothers.

I also don't understand the rush move.

[Anonymous]

You know your brother will cuss you out?

And he has moved that often in two years?

I thinkmot is time you realized your brother isn't to be counted on and stop trying to count on him. Focus your energies on finding resources and services you can count on.

I'm sorry.