Coping mechanisms for in law visit,,,what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG once when my MIL was staying with us she rearranged the plates and glasses in our kitchen. And stood there beaming waiting for praise when we got home.

Mine rearranged the furniture -and a few pictures- while I was at work. This was the first yr we were married. I had a total meltdown. She still talks about it, and how inflexible I am.

Why don't you rearrange her furniture sometime just to show her how it feels? I bet she'll shut up after that.

OMG this is a great idea. I will rearrange the furniture and throw out all the crap in the garage. Because I want to "help".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- today was first day of visit. I opted to sit this one out. Talked to mil on phone to let her know id see her sometime tomorrow. She proceeded to talk for 5min about someone I've never met. And so the fun filled visit starts!

C'mon, I am sure she's annoying, but she's not here to entertain you or help you around the house. She came to see her son. As long as she's not being a bitch to you, I'd say cut her some slack.

New poster- perhaps it's a cultural difference, but my mom in fact DOES think she should try to help me in some way around the house when she visits. She asks what she can stock my fridge with, or if there's anything needing an extra pair of hands.

She remembers what it's like to be a full time working young couple in an expensive city...she has no desire to just be a drain. She wants to add something helpful and of value to her trips besides just "visiting."

Yeah but I didn't ask my FIL to rearrange the garage and I didn't like him touching my stuff and mixing all my shit up. The time that he was in there I felt crazy and stressed. And then he said to me in a smug voice, " I don't know how long your car is but you should be able to park your car in there now". Did not ask him to ride to the rescue!! Where were you and MIL when DH and I needed ONE just ONE night out? How about some damn babysitting? EVER? Not once in 11 years, Jesus H Christ!! We don't want to sit around and visit with you every single damn night for 11 nights straight! We want to go out one of those nights!!

I totally hear you. I was just saying how nice it is when an in law wants to be helpful but starts by asking what they can do, not just taking the liberty to rearrange etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- today was first day of visit. I opted to sit this one out. Talked to mil on phone to let her know id see her sometime tomorrow. She proceeded to talk for 5min about someone I've never met. And so the fun filled visit starts!

C'mon, I am sure she's annoying, but she's not here to entertain you or help you around the house. She came to see her son. As long as she's not being a bitch to you, I'd say cut her some slack.

Agreed that she and fil are not here to entertain me or help out around house but they shouldn't create so much work.

I also don't think it's too much to ask to have some basic courtesy: clean up after yourself, don't ask your son and me to leave work to have lunch with you all, don't ask us to be Late to work to have breakfast with you all, maybe even offer to order takeout or pay for a meal once in a while?

It sounds like normal guest behavior to me, and really it's not a grave offense to ask you guys have lunch with them. They are here for a short time and they want to maximize their time with you. I am pretty much always team DIL, but your complaints seem petty. Of course, I might be missing a lot of context, who knows, maybe you are pregnant and hormonal, or ILs did something really bad before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do not have children and luckily they are not staying with us due to space issues; they will be staying with other local family. However, they DO NOT "do" activities. They specifically say they want to "sit and visit." They do this every time. Very literally, we sit in a room with them and "visit." We sit. Listen to them blab on and on. Look at them. They look at us. They don't even want to go out to eat. They like takeout to be brought to them. So they can continue. to. sit.

I enjoyed this because I can relate, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- today was first day of visit. I opted to sit this one out. Talked to mil on phone to let her know id see her sometime tomorrow. She proceeded to talk for 5min about someone I've never met. And so the fun filled visit starts!

C'mon, I am sure she's annoying, but she's not here to entertain you or help you around the house. She came to see her son. As long as she's not being a bitch to you, I'd say cut her some slack.

Agreed that she and fil are not here to entertain me or help out around house but they shouldn't create so much work.

I also don't think it's too much to ask to have some basic courtesy: clean up after yourself, don't ask your son and me to leave work to have lunch with you all, don't ask us to be Late to work to have breakfast with you all, maybe even offer to order takeout or pay for a meal once in a while?

It sounds like normal guest behavior to me, and really it's not a grave offense to ask you guys have lunch with them. They are here for a short time and they want to maximize their time with you. I am pretty much always team DIL, but your complaints seem petty. Of course, I might be missing a lot of context, who knows, maybe you are pregnant and hormonal, or ILs did something really bad before.

Op here...there is a history here but I can see how my complaints can come off as petty. But we saw them last month, and will see them for thanksgiving. Considering they have other family and friends here, it's odd to me that they ask us to be late for work to eat breakfast with them and meet them for lunch when we already have dinner plans with them.

[Anonymous]

Visit over. I feel such a weight lifted off. It's amazing how my mood has changed since they left. Sad, but true. They are so damn difficult. I think mil is legit crazy. Some of the things she says are not based in reality or rational thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do not have children and luckily they are not staying with us due to space issues; they will be staying with other local family. However, they DO NOT "do" activities. They specifically say they want to "sit and visit." They do this every time. Very literally, we sit in a room with them and "visit." We sit. Listen to them blab on and on. Look at them. They look at us. They don't even want to go out to eat. They like takeout to be brought to them. So they can continue. to. sit.

My IL's were like this (somewhat- except my MIL is not a nag - she is really very sweet and a saint to put up with my FIL). Bottom line is my FIL refuses to eat well or exercise so he is at least 100+ lbs overweight and is having a hard time getting around. So - he plops himself down and either watches TV, plays on the computer or reads a book. Every single time they visit. After we had our son, we stopped catering to them. We make plans that can include them if they would like. If it is something that will include a lot of walking- we look up wheelchair rentals and have all of the information handy. Then, we let them know - when you are here - we are planning on doing X, Y and Z. We would love it if you would join us, but we certainly understand if you would prefer to stay at home. My MIL almost always comes along. FIL is starting to (he is quickly realizing it is necessary if he wants quality time with his grandson). If he chooses not to go (which happens) we still have a nice dinner together (at home) - usually take-out. Last visit (2 weeks ago) FIL came along to the pumpkin patch. He loved watching our son run and play. A good time was had by all.

BTW- we have been together for 10 years- our son is 1- we JUST stopped catering to him/them within the past year. Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

I seriously could not stand sitting around for days on end w/ my ILs. When we've visited them up in Massachusetts where they live, we just sit around the kitchen table. My MIL directs all of the conversation to her son. Do you know how f-ing boring it is when there's nothing to do? They don't have cable. They don't drink. Hell they don't even drink coffee. They also don't live close by to any shopping centers or anything. It's like being stuck on an island.

Thank God they now have wi-fi, b/c the only way I survived the last visit was retiring to the bed early and watching tv shows online. I was also able to get some online shopping done for Thanksgiving Day sales.

Plus they refuse to turn up the heat. I have seriously been so cold (when we were dating and sleeping in separate bedrooms) that I actually cried (I was wearing long underwear and my ski parka). The last time we were up there was when our oldest was about 2. One of the nights my husband stupidly forgot to put on the fleece sleep sack that I brought. DD was ice cold when I went into her room the next morning. I was furious. I am not letting my kids (now have an infant also) sleep there ever.

[Anonymous]

Klonopin.

[Anonymous]

I actually feel badly for mil because I realize the only purpose she has in life is her children. She only talks about them, what they are doing, where they are going, and what they say. She makes no effort to engage anyone else in conversation. Can you believe she actually talked me through her daughter's travel schedule for work for the next few weeks? I sat there staring at her. For the whole visit, she never once asked me (or anyone else) about our work, our hobbies, or our thoughts on anything. She just talked about her children. For 4 days.

[Anonymous]

Prozac and wine are my way of dealing with ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel badly for mil because I realize the only purpose she has in life is her children. She only talks about them, what they are doing, where they are going, and what they say. She makes no effort to engage anyone else in conversation. Can you believe she actually talked me through her daughter's travel schedule for work for the next few weeks? I sat there staring at her. For the whole visit, she never once asked me (or anyone else) about our work, our hobbies, or our thoughts on anything. She just talked about her children. For 4 days.

Sounds like she needs hobbies and friends.

[Anonymous]

Just suck it up and try to get some downtime to myself each day, even if it's going to the supermarket to pick up something "for them". They're not here to see me, they're here to see their son and grandchildren. I don't completely disappear, but they won't miss me if I run errands or go to the gym.