Senior Associates/Partners at Law Firm Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know plenty of big firm moms who are doing great. Here is my top ten list of how to thrive in that situation. First, you absolutely need to have a great spouse (or someone else you can rely on, like your mom) who is in it with you. Second, you need to work at a firm (and there are some) that supports working moms. Third, you need to be flexible in your hours. You can't say that you must leave every day at 5pm no exceptions, because that isn't fair to your job. On the flip side, you have to be ok with leaving guilt-free at 3pm on a sunny day when you don't have a lot going on so you can take your kids to the playground. Fourth, you have to be able to focus. When I'm home, I'm HOME with my kids and husband, and work is compartmentalized for later. Fifth, you need to be super organized. Sixth, you need to have great childcare. Seventh, you need to actually like being a lawyer. The ones who hated it anyway don't last--they are just using parenthood as the perfect out. Eighth, you have to accept that you may not rocket to the top of your profession. Be a tortoise, not a hare. Ninth, you can't let other people's opinions about your choices factor. I'm good with my life and my family is happy, and the money I make, which is a lot, has gone to things people wouldn't know anything about. People might think I'm dripping in cash but I'm not. I have one lawyer friend who paid off her ailing father's mortgage, three who are supporting hopeless siblings, and I've paid college tuitions for my sibling and my husbands and have given significant money to my parents for necessities. My "designer" clothes come from Loehmans and DSW. Many of the lawyers I know are the "successful" one in the family and are supporting a bunch of their extended family members. You can be sure if my parents ever have to go in a nursing home or have a home health aide, I'll be footing the bill, not my 3 siblings. Finally, you have to have fun. If at the end of the day you are miserable, don't do it. Some people might look at my life and think it must be miserable, but I'm having a blast, and I know every night when I tuck my kids into bed, they are happy and secure and loved and growing into the people they are meant to be.

Very well said. I totally agree with you on all your points.

[Anonymous]

I'm so perturbed. My DH has a demanding job that has no flexiblity. I have a career to, though not as demanding, but I work hard from starting to finish, part time 3 days a week. This PT schedule is really had to keep b/c I'm really trying to pack 40hrs into 24. My husband can NEVER come home early and take care of our son. Today I dropped the ball on something I was supposed to take care of on my day off.

Sure, I could demand more of my husband, but we are in the same field and I know what his responsiblities are and know he has to keep up a break neck pace to be successful at what he does. It just sucks to so often have to be on the back burner.

[Anonymous]

A PP here -- the one who left for a PT gig at the government. I just wanted to add that one thing that has been a challenge for me, and I think is challenging for many of us, is to resolve with yourself that for these next few years while the kids are young, you are not going to be a superstar at work. Of course you still COULD be, but while the kids are small, the cost is just too high for many of us. So, you resolve that you will do enough to keep your boss satisfied and your obligations met, but not that much more. For many of us this is hard. My mom-lawyer friends discuss this alot -- we graduated from a top ivy, worked at top firms, and now have mostly (not all, there are still a couple gunning for partner this year, but mostly not) become, as one PP so aptly put it, tortoises rather than hares. For me this means in my three years at the govt job, I have stayed past 4:30 exactly one time, in a real true work emergency. Of course this means that I am no superstar and will not be applying for a promotion any time soon. But, I still do good work, always get good reviews, and am (finally, after much inner struggle at first) fine with where I am. When my kids get to school age, perhaps I go back FT and push more. Perhaps not. Who knows. But don't feel bad for not being a star anymore. Time with your kids is worth more than stardom. At least for me.


PP's post above seriously brought tears to my eyes! I am part time at a law firm, with a 7 month old DD, and this is exactly what I am struggling with. I am used to being the "superstar" at work, and I am struggling with how much I need to do, in order to do just enough. I have a great deal of guilt associated with this, but my DD is more important to me than anything. I really am trying to come to terms with the fact that people just aren't going to be as satisfied with me as they used to be... and that is just going to have to be okay. I think one of the hardest things about being part time at a law firm is grappling with this issue yourself- accepting the fact that you aren't going to be on the partner fast track anymore, and accepting others' judgments of you as a result. At the end of the day, it is just a job.

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer that quit my job scarcely before my career even began to be a SAHM. I realized that the hours for a typical lawyer were not conducive to maintaining a relaxed family life. I didn't want to put my son in daycare or all day preschool at such a young age. I didn't want to come home at 7 pm every night.

The bad side of my decision is that there are days when I regret having paid so much in tuition and not using my degree. We are living on DH salary but life would be much more comfortable if I worked too.

The good points - I loved seeing DS take his first steps, speak his first word, it was nice to be able to potty train DS myself, take him everywhere...

[Anonymous]

21:18, are you going to go back to work once your child is a little older or are you out permanently?

[Anonymous]

Not to throw cold water on you, but NO ONE is hiring right now, except perhaps bankruptcy or if you have portable business. Check abovethelaw.com for all the pay freezes, hiring freezes and layoffs in this industry.

[Anonymous]

Not true that no one is hiring. Most firms are facing problems, but it is not universal (esp. among some practice areas). I am a SAHM and had my old firm ask if I was interested in coming back b/c they are so busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not true that no one is hiring. Most firms are facing problems, but it is not universal (esp. among some practice areas). I am a SAHM and had my old firm ask if I was interested in coming back b/c they are so busy.

Would you mind sharing which practice areas or firms? Many thanks!

[Anonymous]

For all you moms at firms who are happy, I saw hats off to you...but, so often, moms seem resigned to staying in situations in which they are not really satisfied thinking it is the only option. It's not! Please, formulate an exit strategy, it may not happen overnight, but it is possible.

I left my big firm before I had kids, I knew it just wouldn't work for me. The government really has been such a fabulous place to be. I make in the very low six figures for completely regular hours (usually work 8-4:30). Once in a while I check email after hours and THAT'S IT, I never work weekends and have stayed late very rarely. Moreover, the work is interesting, my colleagues are incredibly smart and accomplished (most ex-law firm types), my office is very friendly and everyone really tries hard to do good work, but the atmosphere is supportive, fun and not very stressful most of the time. It is also really family friendly. We have a lot of moms in my office and it is no big deal to stay home with a sick kid or leave for a peds appt. Frankly, I would probably love to be a SAHM, but we can't swing it financially, but if you're a mom who is pretty much okay with working but needs more balance, govt. really can offer it. Of course, you need to shop around - not every office is the same, but I know a lot of govt. attorneys who are pretty happy. And you don't have to bill! Such a relief to not have the billing albatross around your neck...

If you think you can't get by on the salary, I would really urge you to rethink. If you have a DH making at least 60K-70K a year you can have a very decent life even in this area. Luxury cars, no, but a reasonably nice house, family vacations at the beach, activities for your kids and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:18, are you going to go back to work once your child is a little older or are you out permanently?

Well, I'm not through having children. I'd like to have one more, stay home with him/her for about three years, and then go back to work. But I realize that the more competitive, sought after jobs will not be available to me any longer because I would have been out of the workforce for too long and I never had time to get experience before having DS. A government job would be ideal in terms of flexibility and hours though when I'm ready to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I know this thread is pretty old now, but I just stumbled across it, and all the posts here spoke to me so much. I am struggling with the imbalance in my working mom life right now, and was searching the archives to see if anybody had posted about the difficulties of being a full-time attorney/full-time mom. This was so reassuring to at least know that I am not the only person stretched too thin!

[Anonymous]

has anyone read womenomics by claire shipman? talks about these very points - it is really interesting and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anyone ever notice how few children of successful attorneys at BigLaw firms choose to do something other than law? Wonder why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever notice how few children of successful attorneys at BigLaw firms choose to do something other than law? Wonder why?

Is that based on actual stats or your perception? Lots of people I know are lawyers because their fathers were lawyers. Of course usually not their mothers because there weren't that many women partners 30+ years ago.

[Anonymous]

I work part time as an associate at a big law firm, and am probably going to throw the hat in after this bonus season. My part time is NEVER part time, yet I get paid on a part time schedule. On my days off, I am fielding calls, responding to emails, etc. It sucks. DS is 16 months, and I don't regret going back to work after having him, but I look forward to being able to give him my full attention. Being at a big law firm can work for some women- but I think you need to be willing to give up some control, hire a nanny for 50 hours a week, and enjoy your kids on weekends. Not for me. But I will miss the money, that's for sure!