If you were/are diagnosed as a narcissist or married to one.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse may be a NPD. Everything is usually all about him, and anything that goes wrong is always my fault. I made a terrible decision and had a baby with him. He wanted this baby SO bad. I gave birth almost 4 weeks ago, and he has held the baby exactly 3 times for photos, and has not helped with care at all. I'm doing absolutely everything, and the baby has medical problems that require a lot of doctor visits at Children's Hospital.

To make things worse, he came home 3 days ago with a puppy. He said that since the baby came I don't pay enough attention to him and he needs the puppy for "his mental sanity" since I've abandoned his needs. I am so sleep deprived, and still keeping up with all the household chores and I just don't know what to do. My mother (who unfortunately is not in the area and can't come to help) says she thinks he's a narcissist and jealous over the new baby - but he's the one that wanted the baby so bad, not me. He comes home and just plays with the puppy outside until he goes to bed and doesn't even look at the baby or provide any help at all and doesn't interact with me anymore except for taking the dinner I made and eating it away fro me. Does it sound like he is a narcissist? Or maybe he's just going through some freak out stage at being a new and first time father? He also tells me that he wishes he could not work and just stay at home and do nothing all day long like I do (I'm thinking I should cut my maternity leave short because he's resenting me for it) Maybe he's just jealous and will get over it? Maybe it will get better? Has anyone experienced this with their partner? We are not young, we are both in our 30's. I absolutely love DC an am very happy to have him. I just feel like my spouse had PPD or something. Can anyone give any advice?

man oh man....this guy seems like a piece of work. I fortunately have a amazing husband who is dead opposite from yours. From MY perspective, life is way too short to spend it with assholes. I'm a very proud and bull headed person, so without a doubt I'd kick his ass to the curb. If I'm going to essentially be a single parent, might as well dump the dead weight overboard. One less person to clean up after.

I'm just praying that it's some sort of phase - mid-life-crisis-shit compounded with becoming a father. I can't see myself trying to leave now with a newborn. We are not exactly well off, we are renting a basement apartment and are living paycheck to paycheck. Neither of us make that much money at our jobs - at least for the DC area. Financially I don't know how I would leave. Does anyone think maybe this is just a phase he is going through and he will snap back into a real person?

This is not normal behavior from your husband and I am glad it's on your radar. It's really borderline and could turn for the worse real fast. Please be careful. It is never ok for him to put you down. Draw your line in the sand now or it just gets worse, I promise. I would give yourself one year max, for him to change, but if he gets worse leave immediately. Try to slowly engage him with the baby. "Here hold your son/daughter while I use the restroom.". Etc. Also plan for a backup for yourself and your child so that you have a place to move to. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse may be a NPD. Everything is usually all about him, and anything that goes wrong is always my fault. I made a terrible decision and had a baby with him. He wanted this baby SO bad. I gave birth almost 4 weeks ago, and he has held the baby exactly 3 times for photos, and has not helped with care at all. I'm doing absolutely everything, and the baby has medical problems that require a lot of doctor visits at Children's Hospital.

To make things worse, he came home 3 days ago with a puppy. He said that since the baby came I don't pay enough attention to him and he needs the puppy for "his mental sanity" since I've abandoned his needs. I am so sleep deprived, and still keeping up with all the household chores and I just don't know what to do. My mother (who unfortunately is not in the area and can't come to help) says she thinks he's a narcissist and jealous over the new baby - but he's the one that wanted the baby so bad, not me. He comes home and just plays with the puppy outside until he goes to bed and doesn't even look at the baby or provide any help at all and doesn't interact with me anymore except for taking the dinner I made and eating it away fro me. Does it sound like he is a narcissist? Or maybe he's just going through some freak out stage at being a new and first time father? He also tells me that he wishes he could not work and just stay at home and do nothing all day long like I do (I'm thinking I should cut my maternity leave short because he's resenting me for it) Maybe he's just jealous and will get over it? Maybe it will get better? Has anyone experienced this with their partner? We are not young, we are both in our 30's. I absolutely love DC an am very happy to have him. I just feel like my spouse had PPD or something. Can anyone give any advice?

man oh man....this guy seems like a piece of work. I fortunately have a amazing husband who is dead opposite from yours. From MY perspective, life is way too short to spend it with assholes. I'm a very proud and bull headed person, so without a doubt I'd kick his ass to the curb. If I'm going to essentially be a single parent, might as well dump the dead weight overboard. One less person to clean up after.

I'm just praying that it's some sort of phase - mid-life-crisis-shit compounded with becoming a father. I can't see myself trying to leave now with a newborn. We are not exactly well off, we are renting a basement apartment and are living paycheck to paycheck. Neither of us make that much money at our jobs - at least for the DC area. Financially I don't know how I would leave. Does anyone think maybe this is just a phase he is going through and he will snap back into a real person?

This is not normal behavior from your husband and I am glad it's on your radar. It's really borderline and could turn for the worse real fast. Please be careful. It is never ok for him to put you down. Draw your line in the sand now or it just gets worse, I promise. I would give yourself one year max, for him to change, but if he gets worse leave immediately. Try to slowly engage him with the baby. "Here hold your son/daughter while I use the restroom.". Etc. Also plan for a backup for yourself and your child so that you have a place to move to. Good luck!

Thank you for your advice. I'm just so perplexed. He was so excited about the baby and wanted the baby so bad. He was great in the hospital when DC was born and cried when the doctors put the baby in his arms, and he seemed so happy. I thought he was going to be such a good father. But after that, it's like all his emotions just totally shut off. He even refused to stay in the hospital with me overnight. I'm just so confused and lost and don't understand at all what happened.

[Anonymous]

vinvaginelle wrote:Fascinating subject...

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

Go get your score.

This quiz doesn't seem that in depth or scientific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father in a Narcissist. He is also a genius. He was raised believing he is always the smartest person around. Everyone raved about how smart he was, but ignored his social immaturity.

As an adult, his bosses were always idiots (according to him). Everything that happened in life was because of other people -- he never made a mistake. If something bad happened, he would blame someone.

As a kid, I learned not to set him off. I also learned to be outraged when someone else screws up -- that it is acceptable behavior. However, I also know I make mistakes, and now I own them. But, it took a lot of therapy to learn how to act around normal people. I also found that I am drawn to narcissists...when I run into one, I try to please them -- I am still looking for approval from my father, even though I am 50 years old. I am also male.

Today, he is a bitter old man....addicted to prescription pain meds; at least once a quarter, he (IMHO) OD's on them, but blames other things....like a mini stroke instead of his screw up. He insists on being the center of attention: he OD'd on the day a tumor was removed from me; he had come up to help -- we did not want him, and did not give him a place to stay, but he came anyway. When he OD'd, it meant the support network I had was split. So, I am in the ICU, and everyone else is worrying about him. I am not bitter about it anymore (much).

Fortunately, he lives on the other side of the country. I do not have to see him that often; probably next time in december.

This sounds like my brother, ending up with NPDs perhaps because of issues with parents. I think my dad has some narcissistic traits, though not full blown NPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse may be a NPD. Everything is usually all about him, and anything that goes wrong is always my fault. I made a terrible decision and had a baby with him. He wanted this baby SO bad. I gave birth almost 4 weeks ago, and he has held the baby exactly 3 times for photos, and has not helped with care at all. I'm doing absolutely everything, and the baby has medical problems that require a lot of doctor visits at Children's Hospital.

To make things worse, he came home 3 days ago with a puppy. He said that since the baby came I don't pay enough attention to him and he needs the puppy for "his mental sanity" since I've abandoned his needs. I am so sleep deprived, and still keeping up with all the household chores and I just don't know what to do. My mother (who unfortunately is not in the area and can't come to help) says she thinks he's a narcissist and jealous over the new baby - but he's the one that wanted the baby so bad, not me. He comes home and just plays with the puppy outside until he goes to bed and doesn't even look at the baby or provide any help at all and doesn't interact with me anymore except for taking the dinner I made and eating it away fro me. Does it sound like he is a narcissist? Or maybe he's just going through some freak out stage at being a new and first time father? He also tells me that he wishes he could not work and just stay at home and do nothing all day long like I do (I'm thinking I should cut my maternity leave short because he's resenting me for it) Maybe he's just jealous and will get over it? Maybe it will get better? Has anyone experienced this with their partner? We are not young, we are both in our 30's. I absolutely love DC an am very happy to have him. I just feel like my spouse had PPD or something. Can anyone give any advice?

man oh man....this guy seems like a piece of work. I fortunately have a amazing husband who is dead opposite from yours. From MY perspective, life is way too short to spend it with assholes. I'm a very proud and bull headed person, so without a doubt I'd kick his ass to the curb. If I'm going to essentially be a single parent, might as well dump the dead weight overboard. One less person to clean up after.

I'm just praying that it's some sort of phase - mid-life-crisis-shit compounded with becoming a father. I can't see myself trying to leave now with a newborn. We are not exactly well off, we are renting a basement apartment and are living paycheck to paycheck. Neither of us make that much money at our jobs - at least for the DC area. Financially I don't know how I would leave. Does anyone think maybe this is just a phase he is going through and he will snap back into a real person?

I hate to tell you this PP, but you would be smart to get out now. I know it seems like you can't with a new baby and all but spare yourself the storm that's a'comin. My sister was married to a guy just like this (he even pulled a very similar puppy trick!). He eventually moved from the dog to other women, all because my sister wasn't "paying enough attention to him." He despises his children and never paid attention to them while they were married. Now that we've finally gotten her out of the marriage, he only comes around to the kids when he wants to trot them out for his girlfriends or his family (so he looks like a great dad and a great guy). He's quite horrible and his daughter is starting to hate him. I'm sorry they were together to have a second child (of course, we love the little guy but that marriage did not need another baby).

I'm just saying that your husband is NEVER.EVER. EVER going to change. Get out now before baby 2 comes and/or before your first child realizes that s/he is nothing to his/her father.

[Anonymous]

I am married to the son of a woman with narcissistic personality disorder and it really affects our marriage. I have read up on children of narcissists and the various "roles" they can play in their family of origin, and he is a passive and infantilized -- goes along with her wanting to remain in total control and accepting of all her attempts to baby him. His sister plays a different role and his brother is the one who has seen the pattern and plays an outspoken objector -- he also has problem with alcoholism, which he developed in part to deal with the messed-up family structure. FIL is completely passive to her and also infantilized, but also has developed enhanced powers of perception in response to her domineering, and he can view patterns and people's responses to her, which she never does of course. I take the path that I limit my contact with her as much as possible (luckily, they live far away) and limit my children's contact with her to times when I can also be there to "run interference" b/w her and them and to act as a human shield for them. Nevertheless, there is still the problem of my husband's passive acceptance of being a victim of, basically, emotional incest from her -- and he does not see it -- and always accuses me of trying to control his relationship with is family. I compartmentalize it and ignore it when we are not with them, but it is extremely hard the few times we are with them, say, for a few days like a family vacation. At those times, it particularly becomes startling clear that he is emotionally wrapped up in and being used by his mother and he's basically completely out of touch with me and with our children until we physically leave and then can get back to our regular lives. It is VERY hard on all of us.

[Anonymous]

PS 11:05 back. I just took the quiz and I scored a 2. Whew!

[Anonymous]

vinvaginelle wrote:Fascinating subject...

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic.htm

Go get your score.

I scored a 5 and tried to answer honestly, but I can see how this might be easily gamed to give the "right" (non-N) answers, even subconsciously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to the son of a woman with narcissistic personality disorder and it really affects our marriage. I have read up on children of narcissists and the various "roles" they can play in their family of origin, and he is a passive and infantilized -- goes along with her wanting to remain in total control and accepting of all her attempts to baby him. His sister plays a different role and his brother is the one who has seen the pattern and plays an outspoken objector -- he also has problem with alcoholism, which he developed in part to deal with the messed-up family structure. FIL is completely passive to her and also infantilized, but also has developed enhanced powers of perception in response to her domineering, and he can view patterns and people's responses to her, which she never does of course. I take the path that I limit my contact with her as much as possible (luckily, they live far away) and limit my children's contact with her to times when I can also be there to "run interference" b/w her and them and to act as a human shield for them. Nevertheless, there is still the problem of my husband's passive acceptance of being a victim of, basically, emotional incest from her -- and he does not see it -- and always accuses me of trying to control his relationship with is family. I compartmentalize it and ignore it when we are not with them, but it is extremely hard the few times we are with them, say, for a few days like a family vacation. At those times, it particularly becomes startling clear that he is emotionally wrapped up in and being used by his mother and he's basically completely out of touch with me and with our children until we physically leave and then can get back to our regular lives. It is VERY hard on all of us.

That gave me the chills, and a sense of "there but for the grace of $deity".

I was engaged for a while to a woman whose mother was diagnosed Bipolar, but had some major N traits (or rather, scored high on the scale on those traits). She had the whole family terrorized. Nobody played "outspoken objector" Nobody dared contradict her or challenge her. She detested me because I wouldn't play along and not being under her thumb drove her nuts. I ended that relationship after I realized how messed up my SO was and how much she was under the spell; it was painfully clear that her family/mother came first. I would have probably avoided the hell out of them - stayed faaar away, but it was clear my SO wouldn't and would've pulled any children into that orbit.

Sorry, you've got my complete empathy...that has to be awful. Bad in-laws are a bad enough problem in and of themselves; when your SO defends them it's worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to the son of a woman with narcissistic personality disorder and it really affects our marriage. I have read up on children of narcissists and the various "roles" they can play in their family of origin, and he is a passive and infantilized -- goes along with her wanting to remain in total control and accepting of all her attempts to baby him. His sister plays a different role and his brother is the one who has seen the pattern and plays an outspoken objector -- he also has problem with alcoholism, which he developed in part to deal with the messed-up family structure. FIL is completely passive to her and also infantilized, but also has developed enhanced powers of perception in response to her domineering, and he can view patterns and people's responses to her, which she never does of course. I take the path that I limit my contact with her as much as possible (luckily, they live far away) and limit my children's contact with her to times when I can also be there to "run interference" b/w her and them and to act as a human shield for them. Nevertheless, there is still the problem of my husband's passive acceptance of being a victim of, basically, emotional incest from her -- and he does not see it -- and always accuses me of trying to control his relationship with is family. I compartmentalize it and ignore it when we are not with them, but it is extremely hard the few times we are with them, say, for a few days like a family vacation. At those times, it particularly becomes startling clear that he is emotionally wrapped up in and being used by his mother and he's basically completely out of touch with me and with our children until we physically leave and then can get back to our regular lives. It is VERY hard on all of us.

That really sounds terrible and makes me so grateful for my MIL. Best wishes for you and your family.