The closing window of sexual opportunity

[Anonymous]

Dude, your wife is not all that attracted to you anymore, if at all. Surely, this is not rocket science. I don't understand why men beat themselves up over this sexless shit when the answer is glaring. The newness has worn off, the butterflies are long gone and you are no longer superman in her eyes

[Anonymous]

How about in the shower or in the bathtub?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you look at porn on your tablet are you worried it's being tracked somehow?

And...so what?

[Anonymous]

OP, first off - you need to find a way not to internalize this. Rejection from your spouse can be crushing but it likely doesn't have anything to do with you personally. Your wife has no libido. Common as dirt, especially after the kids come.

You can keep trying to seduce her, but the rates of rejection will be 10-1, so your esteem will continue to plummet. You sound like a good man, so I am sure you have tried all of the common suggestions that get trotted out (choreplay, date nights, trying to sexually satisfy here).

Choose the lesser of evils. Divorce. Cheat. Live with it. Any of these options are going to erode or end your marriage but there is nothing you can do to force your wife to be your marriage partner.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making it worthwhile for her when it does happen?

Yup. I love going down on her. My biggest challenge in that regard is calibrating when "make it a quickie" means "let's have a pleasant moment & it doesn't always have to be a marathon" versus when it means "once she's in the mood, make it worth her while." Having a quickie would be easier if we were having sex more than once every two weeks.

I ask her what she likes and make sure to tell her that if she wants to try something, I'm game for whatever. But she's not very communicative. The 50 Shades period got her to open up enough about liking a little spanking or hair pulling. I tried pushing further to see if there was something she'd like that she wasn't comfortable talking about; but when I tried lightly grabbing her throat and being told that was too "rapey" - that scared me off pushing boundaries too much.

Is she having orgasms? I appreciate the efforts you're putting forth, and she should be clear about what she likes. But if she's not enjoying it enough, it doesn't matter how you look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like 22:11's response, but I'll add another possible suggestion. I'm a DW who finds it difficult to mentally transition to sex, which made me dread having all that awkward contact when I wasn't mentally there. So DH and I spend a few minutes apart from each other to get in the zone. I put on some lingerie and heels and look at a bit of porn on my tablet, while he's doing whatever he needs to in another room, so when I tell him I'm ready and he comes at me raring to go, it's on. No more awkwardness. Maybe you could tell her you read that that helps some women and see if she'd be open to it.

She's no longer attracted to you, not because you are you, but because she's in a long term relationship and that's what happens to many, many women. There is a strong culture around the sexual how-tos of getting the guy but not a lot on how to maintain your sex drive once you have him (or her as the case may be).

My point (and why I bolded the above sentence) is that the woman (or whomever has the lower drive) has to decide for herself that sex is important enough to the relationship to work on increasing her own sex drive. Watch sexy movies, read hot books, look at explicit material. Whatever. But SHE has to do it, and it's going to feel weird and forced at first, but I guarantee you, if she takes responsibility for her own desires and finds herself more turned on more often, those rules will soon seem as silly to her as they do to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like 22:11's response, but I'll add another possible suggestion. I'm a DW who finds it difficult to mentally transition to sex, which made me dread having all that awkward contact when I wasn't mentally there. So DH and I spend a few minutes apart from each other to get in the zone. I put on some lingerie and heels and look at a bit of porn on my tablet, while he's doing whatever he needs to in another room, so when I tell him I'm ready and he comes at me raring to go, it's on. No more awkwardness. Maybe you could tell her you read that that helps some women and see if she'd be open to it.

She's no longer attracted to you, not because you are you, but because she's in a long term relationship and that's what happens to many, many women. There is a strong culture around the sexual how-tos of getting the guy but not a lot on how to maintain your sex drive once you have him (or her as the case may be).

My point (and why I bolded the above sentence) is that the woman (or whomever has the lower drive) has to decide for herself that sex is important enough to the relationship to work on increasing her own sex drive. Watch sexy movies, read hot books, look at explicit material. Whatever. But SHE has to do it, and it's going to feel weird and forced at first, but I guarantee you, if she takes responsibility for her own desires and finds herself more turned on more often, those rules will soon seem as silly to her as they do to you.

This. +1000. Every other piece of advice you get is useless. Unless you would be satisfied with her lying back and wishing you would be done having sex with her.

Good luck, and if you wanted my permission to cheat, you have it. Since she doesn't want to have sex with you, you really aren't cheating her out of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you making it worthwhile for her when it does happen?

Yup. I love going down on her. My biggest challenge in that regard is calibrating when "make it a quickie" means "let's have a pleasant moment & it doesn't always have to be a marathon" versus when it means "once she's in the mood, make it worth her while." Having a quickie would be easier if we were having sex more than once every two weeks.

I ask her what she likes and make sure to tell her that if she wants to try something, I'm game for whatever. But she's not very communicative. The 50 Shades period got her to open up enough about liking a little spanking or hair pulling. I tried pushing further to see if there was something she'd like that she wasn't comfortable talking about; but when I tried lightly grabbing her throat and being told that was too "rapey" - that scared me off pushing boundaries too much.

Is she having orgasms? I appreciate the efforts you're putting forth, and she should be clear about what she likes. But if she's not enjoying it enough, it doesn't matter how you look

She's having orgasms about 1/2 - 2/3 of the time. Which, given that are only having sex about twice a month means one or two orgasms a month. Having sex within 10 days of her period usually results in an orgasm. Sex 15-20 days after her period usually doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife was never up for morning sex, but, in the beginning, that was pretty much the only time of day or week or month that was off limits. Over the last 18 years the window for having sex has gotten increasingly restrictive:

-Not if she hasn't showered.
-Not if the kids are awake.
-Not if it's light in the room.
-Not if she's on her period.
-Not if she has to get up in the morning.
-Not if she's fallen asleep on the couch before bedtime (or has otherwise fallen asleep.
-Not if she's feeling bloated or otherwise has an ailment.
-Not if I've said or done anything to upset her in the past 48 hours.

She pretty regularly gets up early on Saturday for a long run. She pretty regularly doesn't shower on Sunday.
The kids (ages 8&9) go to bed at about 9:30. She usually falls asleep between 9:30 and 10:30.

So, this leaves me a window of about a maximum of an hour 5 days a week, 3 weeks a month to initiate sex. Of course, with all those rules, you can guess how interested she is in sex generally and how often I'm actually able to take advantage of those windows.

Anyone else find that their spouse has been gradually closing the window of sexual opportunity as their marriage progresses? Any creative rules about when you're not allowed to have sex?

Do other women check you out? Are you in good shape and attractive? If you are, then the problem is your DW is bored of you or frigid. She also doesn't care about your needs assuming you have expressed a desire for more sex and intimacy. Can you ask for an open marriage or have an affair? She may be thrilled to not have to have sex again but still get to keep her family home intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How can you rape your wife? If she won't put out, take it! She might surprise you by telling you she's wanted to be taken, a little roughly, made to feel so desireable you couldn't help yourself. I agree with the caveman - time to man up!

Wow, you are one sick fuck. You're the reason why rape fantasies are so twisted. It's like playing Russian roulette. Hope you lose, asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys, this is ridiculous. As a general rule, men are more interested in sex, therefore men have to seduce a woman. Figure it out. It has nothing to do with talking it out, her giving suggestions about what turns her on, s/m moves on her, or doing good deeds to earn it.

Figure it out, I can't walk you through it, but you've got to get her damp.

This is complete and total bullshit. I'm a guy, and the roles are reversed for me. I'm simply not into her like I used to and she'd fuck me every day if she could.

Fuck off, idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a wife who isn't really in the mood under most of the conditions you've listed as rules, and yeah, being woken up for sex sucks when you've got kids and have to get up for work in the morning. So, from the perspective of some one who sees where she's coming from, but also sympathizes with you because it also sucks to just not have sex for extended periods of time - I vote for scheduled sex. You can coordinate to get the kids to bed exactly on time, have that be your take-out night of the week so there's less clean up to do after dinner, hop in the shower, and enjoy your sexy time before it starts eating into your REM cycles.

I don't think scheduled sex is unsexy - you can still have spontaneous sex when you feel like it, it's just that the designated days are the guaranteed minimum and you can plan on having those be more "ideal" rather than rushed quickies. Also, all the prep you end up doing that night to make it happen makes it feel like dating again. And knowing it's your night, there's flirting, extra light caresses as you pass by during the evening routine. It's hot, if you let it be. The best turn on is having sex - having it makes you want to do it again. I bet your wife is just out of the habit, and just a few times of good sex, when you're both clean and well rested, will generally up her drive a bit so the other stuff is less bothersome when conditions aren't perfect.

An honest and heartfelt take. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Strangely, I thought when I saw that you listed "rules," I would categorize your wife as a Type A nutcase, but as I read the list, her reasons actually make sense to me...A lot of sense. Ha! And that scares me.

[Anonymous]

After marriage, men need to continue putting forth effort to seduce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After marriage, men need to continue putting forth effort to seduce.

What do women need to do, if anything?