The closing window of sexual opportunity

[Anonymous]

My wife was never up for morning sex, but, in the beginning, that was pretty much the only time of day or week or month that was off limits. Over the last 18 years the window for having sex has gotten increasingly restrictive:

-Not if she hasn't showered.
-Not if the kids are awake.
-Not if it's light in the room.
-Not if she's on her period.
-Not if she has to get up in the morning.
-Not if she's fallen asleep on the couch before bedtime (or has otherwise fallen asleep.
-Not if she's feeling bloated or otherwise has an ailment.
-Not if I've said or done anything to upset her in the past 48 hours.

She pretty regularly gets up early on Saturday for a long run. She pretty regularly doesn't shower on Sunday.
The kids (ages 8&9) go to bed at about 9:30. She usually falls asleep between 9:30 and 10:30.

So, this leaves me a window of about a maximum of an hour 5 days a week, 3 weeks a month to initiate sex. Of course, with all those rules, you can guess how interested she is in sex generally and how often I'm actually able to take advantage of those windows.

Anyone else find that their spouse has been gradually closing the window of sexual opportunity as their marriage progresses? Any creative rules about when you're not allowed to have sex?

[Anonymous]

Wait till she falls asleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

Sleeping wasn't on your list of denials

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

That's called rape.

I empathize with OP, and sex is an important part of any relationship, but I'm appalled that you'd suggest rape--even sarcastically.

[Anonymous]

Time to man up.

[Anonymous]

Dude, just tell her since she makes the restrictions, to create a time once a week of her choosing when all conditions are met, and you'll be ready.

And tell her you love her and desire her and want to have a physical relationship with her.

If that doesn't work, just find a quiet time and ask her what's the matter.

It might be an issue in your relationship or it might be that she doesn't feel sexy anymore.

Regarding the latter, what I've come to realize is that there is a big difference between what society expects women to look like to be sexy, and what a typical DH expects. My DH does not care about me having been showered and made up and totally in shape etc etc…but I (and many women) have been trained by our culture to think we have to be perfect (or at the least, be what we USED to be) in order to be attractive. The pressure is on to perform, and that's tough to get over. Just help her get over that.

The best thing that my DH said to me was in passing. I noticed a hair around my areola area and I was horrified and he said, "You're a mammal!" LOL just took the wind right out of my potential insecurity attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

That's called rape.

I empathize with OP, and sex is an important part of any relationship, but I'm appalled that you'd suggest rape--even sarcastically.

How can you rape your wife? If she won't put out, take it! She might surprise you by telling you she's wanted to be taken, a little roughly, made to feel so desireable you couldn't help yourself. I agree with the caveman - time to man up!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not going to rape my wife. Shut the fuck up already.

To the PP about helping her feel sexy. I try. A thousand compliments can't convince her I think she's sexy. But if I ever once told her (in anger perhaps) I thought she was ugly (I haven't), you can bet she'd pay attention to that.

I suppose it's not too different to how I respond to her shutting me down sexually. She can tell me she thinks I'm attractive until she's blue in the face. But, without frequent sex, I remember every sexual rejection she dishes out deeply. Her rejecting sex with me is pretty equivalent to me calling her ugly. (Except she does the former, and I don't do the latter.)

[Anonymous]

Both partners have to make time for regular sex. How about very early morning (say around 3 am), so that you are revived with sleep and still have time to nap after sex. It works for us and we average around 4-5 times a week. Married 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

Add: Not if there are visitors in the house
Not if we're in a place other than our bed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

That's called rape.

I empathize with OP, and sex is an important part of any relationship, but I'm appalled that you'd suggest rape--even sarcastically.

How can you rape your wife? If she won't put out, take it! She might surprise you by telling you she's wanted to be taken, a little roughly, made to feel so desireable you couldn't help yourself. I agree with the caveman - time to man up!

The rules for rape are the same for a wife as for anyone else.

You're going to get a divorce at best and a felony charge at worst.

[Anonymous]

I seriously recommend the books and seminars that the Gottman Institute puts out. They really help the couple figure out what connections are being missed. John
Gottman is the premier marriage therapist and marriage researcher in the US. He knows a lot.

http://www.gottman.com/marriage-couples/

http://www.gottman.com/marriage-couples/private-couples-retreats/

http://www.gottman.com/marriage-couples/dvd-workshop-books-lectures/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add: Not if there are visitors in the house
Not if we're in a place other than our bed

Oh, yup. I forgot the visitors one. That's relatively recent for us.

Occasionally I'll remember the times and places we did it during the first 3-4 years of our relationship, times and places that would break a good 4-5 of the current rules in one shot; and it will make me shake my head wondering how we got from there to where we are now.

[Anonymous]

And definitely not if we had sex the night before.
In fact, not if we've had sex in the preceding week. Sex one night closes business hours for at least a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait till she falls asleep

That's called rape.

I empathize with OP, and sex is an important part of any relationship, but I'm appalled that you'd suggest rape--even sarcastically.

How can you rape your wife? If she won't put out, take it! She might surprise you by telling you she's wanted to be taken, a little roughly, made to feel so desireable you couldn't help yourself. I agree with the caveman - time to man up!