I can't talk to my wife about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do most marriages always have a saver and a spender?

Ours don't to the extreme. We save and spend. Our home was paid off in just 7 years and we made less than 90k.

And your house cost what?

[Anonymous]

Less than $630,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Please know I'm not blaming her. It's "us" but at least I'm ready to confront it. Why is he cleaning lady coming twice a month? Can't she come once and we use our irobot?

No. They usually charge much more for monthly cleaning. That's not always the economical option.

Yes. Once a month won't mean that you spend half, it may be 75% of your what you were paying per month for twice a week visits. I'm a PP poster and I think again it gets back to what are you saving for? We realize we waste money left and right on things like eating out. That said, we have no debt and a lot of savings. In order to start cutting back on convenience things,we both need incentive and we both have to be willing to pick up the slack. Maybe a night that we would normally pick up food on the weekend I agree to cook (DH normally cooks) and we both agree a certain percentage of what we save by making different spending choices (either doing without or doing more work to save money) goes directly into the savings account. We recently switched cable providers and saved $1000 over two years. We spend bonus money but agree what it will be used for (usually something extra around the house that we will do sooner rather than later) or do something like put half for kids college account and spend the rest.

I'm not sure that there is really an extra 30K that you would both agree on and be willing to make the life changes to get there short of wife going back to work but I think it is reasonable to try to save an extra 15K and try to do it in such a way it isn't micromanaging to the other person.

[Anonymous]

3 accounts

1 with money to pay mortgage, utilities, car, etc... Necessities
1 for you wife, give her an allowance and no access to other money... No credit cards.
1 for you to save and bail her out when she over spends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do most marriages always have a saver and a spender?

We have two savers. That's why we are on the right financial track.

Doesn't matter how great a saver one is, the spender can spend as fast as it comes in.

Spenders should not control the books. At least, both should.

If both are savers, it doesn't matter who controls the budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 accounts

1 with money to pay mortgage, utilities, car, etc... Necessities
1 for you wife, give her an allowance and no access to other money... No credit cards.
1 for you to save and bail her out when she over spends.

+1 this is what I do for myself. One account for all auto pay items (mortgage, utilities, etc), credit card is for groceries, gas and commuting only, $800 cash to cover EVERYTHING else (clothes, kids' stuff, daily coffee, lunches/dinners out misc household stuff we really don't need). Emergency fund pays for home and car repairs.

You both get a monthly/weekly stipend in cash. She can do with it as she pleases, but doesn't get anymore.

[Anonymous]

Have the discussion even if she cries. Just push through it. I'm a cryer. It's unintentional and not strategic, but I can't help it. We have important discussions anyway.

If your wife is crying about drapes, ask her why exactly she is crying and why exactly the drapes are THAT important. What does it all represent for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, her crying isn't necessarily an attempt to manipulate you or stop conversation. Maybe she's just... upset.

I assume that since she is a SAHM you think she should be cooking and cleaning more and so resent the extra money spent on Whole Foods/cleaners. I'm ready to be on your side, but only if you answer these questions:

1) how many kids do you have, and how old are they?
2) does she have supportive family or friends nearby?

I feel like there may be a bit more going on here.

Still hoping OP answers this...

[Anonymous]

How is the pregnancy going (or is the baby already born)?

I see the eating from whole foods if you have a newborn in the house, and the whole adjustment back to normal after a baby can be really hard.

But don't discount hormonal tears, and do praise what she has done every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, she may not want to let you take over the budgeting, but there's no reason you can't set up a Mint account, link your bank and credit card accounts, and start analyzing your spending and working on a budget on your own. Then sit down with her, and try to ignore the tears and histrionics. Pretend she's not doing it, and respond to whatever rational substance she offers in a calm manner.

You: "Jane, I'm concerned that our spending is getting out of control and we're not saving nearly as much as we should to secure our future. Let's take a look at this and see where we can try to trim things back a little bit."

Jane: *sobs* "We don't have enough money for anything, I need to go back to work!"

You: "Well, that's something we can explore. Why don't we first look at our current spending and see what's going on. I've set up a Mint account and started analyzing where our money is going. Here are three areas I think we could cut back on a lot."

Jane: "But I need new curtains for the baby's room! We can't cut back on home decor spending!"

You: "We don't have to cut it out completely. Look, we can set a monthly budget for home decor, and if there's something you want that's more than the monthly budget, the amount will roll over month to month until we've saved enough."

If you really can't get through to her, you need marriage counseling or a divorce attorney, because otherwise you will end up broke, miserable, and resenting each other. The crying and carrying on is just emotional manipulation, to keep you from interfering with her getting her way.

The first line is a conversation nonstarter. It's accusatory and sure to trigger tears. How about, 'I've been trying to work out a way to get those new curtains for the baby's room. You're creative; take a look at this spreadsheet and help me find a way to do this."

[Anonymous]

Often, this is really a question of who's spending who's money to satisfy who's "needs".

This can lead to score keeping, fake altruism and "martyr-ism".

It is not good for relationships to take economic problems down to this level.