I can't talk to my wife about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Sorry that you're having difficulty getting your budget under control. I'm a female here, and I think that it's unfair that your wife uses crying to try and avoid a serious discussion. You may just have to push through it and discuss this with her even if she cries. $30,000 is a lot of money.

+1
The crying is bullshit. You can't let it break down the conversation. Set a time in advance to have this conversation. Ensure you have plenty of time so that if she cries you can comfort her and then continue on with the conversation. It really is important to have this talk with her and get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Be firm and don't let the crying affect you. Leave the room and tell her you'll discuss again when she has gained her composure. Do that again if she starts back with the crying. Show her the numbers. Maybe she doesn't understand the impact the frivous spending has. My husnamd doesn't and I have us on a budget.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ you're focusing on the wrong thing. Don't look at each expenditure and evaluate it, decide how much can be spent, and control it. Don't control how she spends it. Have a separate debit card/account - something - even cash if that's easiest. For these types of purchases (beyond regular bills) you either have money available in the pot, or you don't. She'll run out of money before her needs (wants!) are satisfied, but that's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be firm and don't let the crying affect you. Leave the room and tell her you'll discuss again when she has gained her composure. Do that again if she starts back with the crying. Show her the numbers. Maybe she doesn't understand the impact the frivous spending has. My husnamd doesn't and I have us on a budget.

Another woman here. That's right. You need to say to her when she begins to cry, "I know this is emotional for you, but we need to keep talking about it. I will wait until you're done to do so, but we're not dropping this conversation. I'd like you to help me come up with ways to make this work so that I am happy and you are happy." One thing that I learned in therapy was to push through the uncomfortable part and stand firm. Don't lose ground (or be nasty), simply state that it's still something you need to talk about. You want her to be happy, and you want to help figure out how. Explain that you're on the same team. Team family - you both want your kids, your house, your spouse to have nice things, so you have to work together to prioritize what they are. Also, rethink the 3-4 nights at Whole Foods. That can be something you help change (make dinner much?), and she can do things to pitch in too. But if it's a solution you have imposed on her/the family, it's not going to work. She has to be part of the answer. She has to get something so she can give some things up. And if that also means she has to start working again because you both want to keep spending, so be it. That just may be the uncomfortable truth neither of you want to admit.

[Anonymous]

OP is in for a rude awakening when he find out child care costs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you accompanying her to the nights out and dinner?
How you gonna blame her?

A lot of the dining out is dinner from whole foods because we didn't cook. And that gets expensive quick. We eat at WF approximately 3--4 nights a week.

Then one or both of you need to learn how to cook. Seriously. It's not HARD or time consuming to throw together dinner and not spend a zillion dollars at WF.

For example, I went to WF the other night to get stuff for dinner. Spent $15 on pre-cut veggies and tofu for a stir fry. Went home. Threw that stuff in the wok. Put on some sauce and spices. Dinner was ready in 10 minutes. It honestly took longer to wait in line to pay for stuff at WF than it did to cook.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will never convince a spender not to spend.

[Anonymous]

If she spends more money that you as a couple earn, than you should discuss her going back to work, or making serious cuts in her discretionary spending. I'm a woman and I can't believe you fall for the crying routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she spends more money that you as a couple earn, than you should discuss her going back to work, or making serious cuts in her discretionary spending. I'm a woman and I can't believe you fall for the crying routine.

It's devastatingly effecting on men, because it instantly makes us feel like we are being abusive monsters, even if it's all an illusion .

[Anonymous]

Couldn't you create a separate savings account and start sending more of your paycheck there? Just limit the amount that she has access to, but be reasonable. If she wants to continue to spend on unnecessary things, she can just get a job and spend her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do most marriages always have a saver and a spender?

Because it's all relative. Throw two people together and one will likely be better at saving. Re-pair that "saver" with someone much more frugal and suddenly they look like an irresponsible spender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just longed to our Mint account to look at our spending and I realize that our budget is all out of whack. We are overspending on frivolous stuff; spending too much for nights out and dinners and other stupid sh8. We should be saving an extra $2500 per month. Now my wife wants to buy drapes for the new babies room because she doesn't like the look of the current curtains. However, when I bring up budgeting or spending less she starts to cry. Literally cry. Then instead of having a conversation, she resorts to "I need to go back to work" which makes me feel bad and we and up leaving all of the issues unresolved. She doesn't want me to take over the budgeting. I'm really getting frustrated.

If it's a mom who already feels crappy about not working, please do not validate her guilt by telling her 'you did it'. Work with her, and make an additional bank account, move the money that you are suppose to save before hand. You seem to be a nice dh, hang in there things will be fine.

[Anonymous]

We went through something like this. Dh was resistant to cutting back on spending and when I expressed concern, he likened me to his mom, who was very anxious and controlling. It got better eventually because 1) we made more money and paid off student debt 2) we moved from far out Virginia to DC where he was happier especially because he could get involved in politics instead of spending his time commuting back and forth (and thank god wasn't passing Potomac Mills every day) and 3) he started hanging out with political friends who lived simply and I think he was embarrassed to have cared so much about expensive things.

He still spends more than I would spend on things but I let it go because we can afford his occasional indulgence and I feel great because we're no longer in debt. We're doing fine but it took a long time.

All this is to say that it's tough to be the saver when the spender responds as if you were some mean parent trying to control them. There's a lot of emotional baggage around spending! I used to wish I was the husband because it seemed easier for my friends who were husbands and savers to shut down family spending. Now I can see maybe that's not so. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

You need to not be afraid of her crying. Tell Larla to pull her shit together and stop acting like a baby and deal with this. If she's too immature to have a discussion about money then she's not mature enough to buy new drapes. (And that drape shit is the most ridiculous expenditure I've ever heard of.)

Larla also needs to not count on your bonuses. That is some dumb accounting right there. Either she needs to put on her big girl panties and have a mature and logical talk about money, or she needs to give up control of money to you. One or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you accompanying her to the nights out and dinner?
How you gonna blame her?

A lot of the dining out is dinner from whole foods because we didn't cook. And that gets expensive quick. We eat at WF approximately 3--4 nights a week.

Then one or both of you need to learn how to cook. Seriously. It's not HARD or time consuming to throw together dinner and not spend a zillion dollars at WF.

For example, I went to WF the other night to get stuff for dinner. Spent $15 on pre-cut veggies and tofu for a stir fry. Went home. Threw that stuff in the wok. Put on some sauce and spices. Dinner was ready in 10 minutes. It honestly took longer to wait in line to pay for stuff at WF than it did to cook.

While WF does have some good products, you don't need to buy the pre-made stuff there. is it even all organic? probably not. why not go w/ her to trader joe's or costco even (just had a huge party and bought salmon and fettucine alfredo which you just pop in the oven). pick up a bag of pre-washed lettuce, etc. and voila, dinner. Much cheaper than WFs. If she's staying at home she can definitely pick up these things when Costco is less crowded. I'm on my maternity leave now (we have 2 under age 3) and it's been easier for me to pop into these places before DH gets home. Once I return to work, i will probably do TJ (open til 10 pm in clarendon) runs after kids go down by 8.

I understand where your wife is coming from b/c my DH is nervous about our escalating costs (eg., nanny for 2, part-time preschool, eating out, etc.). I usually get upset when he broaches it (he grew up extremely frugal. no one ever shopped in his family for anything that was unnecessary), but that is also why I would never quit my job. I make a very good salary (even more than him) and am just nervous in case something ever happened to him (even if we love each other and no one ever in unfaithful, etc.) you just never know what can happen in life.