Thinking about female friendship lately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

Wow, that is really scary. Do you imagine you can ever find someone who you can have a friendship with and never "sense anything strange" over time??? Not if you are both human. The ability to work through problems is a given in any relationship. Sorry, but you sound a bit unhinged yourself.

You seem scared really easily-strange. I don't know what you are trembling in fear about.

To answer your only question, I have many friends whom I have "never sensed anything strange" about (and no I do not mean people who might act strange because they have severe anxiety or something like that). I think the person who stated the above refrenced comments knows what I'm talking about. By "strange" I mean someone who is critical or always wants to correct, a one upper, someone who is possessive, someone who cannot discuss politics without going nuts because someone has a different views, someone who always has to talk trash about other people, someone obsessed with attaching a dollar value to everything in a conversation such as "my $1500 handbag" or "My $250 Jimmy Choos"...I think you get gist.

I can honestly say that I've never had to work through problems with friends since high school and college days. I guess it is just healthy adult behavior to be respectful of each other. These are the kind of friends I have. Anyone else can just find a new friend. I'm pretty good at weeding these people out shortly after meeting them. So, I suppose they never reach the friend level. Makes it much easier for everyone. I don't have to complain about my friends on DCUM and recount incidents for all posters to comment on.

pp - you are so hyper critical of the person who posted this originally. I would never want to be your friend.

Well. I am the poster who posted this originally. And I don't think she was hyper critical. I think we used different words to convey the same thing. She's right -- grown women rarely fight. Say mean things to each other and start yelling. One person decides the other has crossed the line or it's not worth it anymore and that person disengages. That's what she said. We pretty much said the same thing.

It would be nice if I could approach a female and friend and just say, openly and honestly, "It really hurt my feelings when ____" And she would respond with how she saw it and we would come to an understanding and move on. It rarely works that way. If anything, trying to have these kinds of conversations -- a peaceful airing of grievances -- a "talk" only makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

Wow, that is really scary. Do you imagine you can ever find someone who you can have a friendship with and never "sense anything strange" over time??? Not if you are both human. The ability to work through problems is a given in any relationship. Sorry, but you sound a bit unhinged yourself.

You seem scared really easily-strange. I don't know what you are trembling in fear about.

To answer your only question, I have many friends whom I have "never sensed anything strange" about (and no I do not mean people who might act strange because they have severe anxiety or something like that). I think the person who stated the above refrenced comments knows what I'm talking about. By "strange" I mean someone who is critical or always wants to correct, a one upper, someone who is possessive, someone who cannot discuss politics without going nuts because someone has a different views, someone who always has to talk trash about other people, someone obsessed with attaching a dollar value to everything in a conversation such as "my $1500 handbag" or "My $250 Jimmy Choos"...I think you get gist.

I can honestly say that I've never had to work through problems with friends since high school and college days. I guess it is just healthy adult behavior to be respectful of each other. These are the kind of friends I have. Anyone else can just find a new friend. I'm pretty good at weeding these people out shortly after meeting them. So, I suppose they never reach the friend level. Makes it much easier for everyone. I don't have to complain about my friends on DCUM and recount incidents for all posters to comment on.

pp - you are so hyper critical of the person who posted this originally. I would never want to be your friend.

How am I being critical? The OP of this message does not think so either.

Actually, I think you would want to be my friend. I'm pretty likeable and extremely compassionate. I always find that my friends confide in me their fears, frustration, and insecurities. I'm happy that my friends trust that I won't judge them and that they know I'll often lend my ear and hold my opinions and afterwards crack open a bottle of wine to help wash the tears down. However, you might not like me if you talk about your new handbag insessantly (all the while constantly reminding me how much you spent) and you might not like me if I do not want to engage in bickering over politics and you might not like me if I won't talk behind another friend's back, we all know a few people who make this talk their hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

Wow, that is really scary. Do you imagine you can ever find someone who you can have a friendship with and never "sense anything strange" over time??? Not if you are both human. The ability to work through problems is a given in any relationship. Sorry, but you sound a bit unhinged yourself.

You seem scared really easily-strange. I don't know what you are trembling in fear about.

To answer your only question, I have many friends whom I have "never sensed anything strange" about (and no I do not mean people who might act strange because they have severe anxiety or something like that). I think the person who stated the above refrenced comments knows what I'm talking about. By "strange" I mean someone who is critical or always wants to correct, a one upper, someone who is possessive, someone who cannot discuss politics without going nuts because someone has a different views, someone who always has to talk trash about other people, someone obsessed with attaching a dollar value to everything in a conversation such as "my $1500 handbag" or "My $250 Jimmy Choos"...I think you get gist.

I can honestly say that I've never had to work through problems with friends since high school and college days. I guess it is just healthy adult behavior to be respectful of each other. These are the kind of friends I have. Anyone else can just find a new friend. I'm pretty good at weeding these people out shortly after meeting them. So, I suppose they never reach the friend level. Makes it much easier for everyone. I don't have to complain about my friends on DCUM and recount incidents for all posters to comment on.

pp - you are so hyper critical of the person who posted this originally. I would never want to be your friend.

Well. I am the poster who posted this originally. And I don't think she was hyper critical. I think we used different words to convey the same thing. She's right -- grown women rarely fight. Say mean things to each other and start yelling. One person decides the other has crossed the line or it's not worth it anymore and that person disengages. That's what she said. We pretty much said the same thing.

It would be nice if I could approach a female and friend and just say, openly and honestly, "It really hurt my feelings when ____" And she would respond with how she saw it and we would come to an understanding and move on. It rarely works that way. If anything, trying to have these kinds of conversations -- a peaceful airing of grievances -- a "talk" only makes it worse.

"hyper-critical" poster here again.

There have been a few instances where a friend has come to me and said you hurt me when you said or did "x". example: I was joking with my friend who is beautiful and skinny that she shops in "teen" stores. My intention was just to point out that she is so lucky that she can pull these teen clothes off because she has a great frame. She got really upset and told me that I was out of line and that her whole life she has been attractive and skinny and gets a lot of heat from other women from it. She told me that I mention my weight and put myself down in front of her and it made her feel really akward and uncomfortable. Basically, it was just as terrible to her if she would have been obese and I would have made a comment about a big girl's store. She came at me really angry and a bit dysfunction. I felt terrible that I insulted her and even worse that I made her feel uncomfortable around me. I immediatly apologized and told her my intention was not mean, but that I would never do it again. I could have got defensive because she was coming at me so angry, but I just apologized for being so insensitive. I listened to her and just shouldered the blame with no excuses only to reassure her that it was not my intent to hurt her in anyway. The whole thing was dropped and I never mention weight in front of her. Simple. There are no hard feelings.

So poster, yes some of us can act civilized and be humble. That is called being a healthy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've been thinking about this subject a lot recently. I've just lost a friend who got divorced and suddenly lost all empathy for someone married with kids. If we were buddies, as my DH is with many of his pals, we may have stayed friends. She was a close friend with whom we shared many aspects of our lives. But since the divorce, she has dropped me, which I found bewildering and sad.

I wonder if it could be something else? Perhaps she is overwhelmed.... depressed. Perhaps she can no longer participate in the restaurant meals or the couples gatherings?

I can imagine myself, now that I am in the process of divorcing, fading out of my friends lives for these and many reasons.

[Anonymous]

Re: male friendship-

There was a TV show a few years ago that only lasted a season, but it had some great relationship insights. Can't remember the name... But there was a scene where the woman's brother, a cop, starts acting strangely and no one in the family knows why. She asks her fiance, who is also a friend of the brother, to talk to him and find out what's going on. She arranges for them both to be at her apartment at the same time so that the fiance can strike up this conversation with the brother and get the scoop. So, the two guys are there and she discreetly steps away so that they can talk. She comes back in expecting to see the two guys deep in conversation but instead they're throwing a football around. She hisses in her fiance's ear, "You're supposed to be talking to him!" And the fiance says, "This is how guys talk!" and he does ultimately get the info from the brother. ( Turns out the brother (cop) had to shoot someone while on duty and was devastated by it.)

I loved this scene for how it illustrated gender differences in style but not in depth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've been thinking about this subject a lot recently. I've just lost a friend who got divorced and suddenly lost all empathy for someone married with kids. If we were buddies, as my DH is with many of his pals, we may have stayed friends. She was a close friend with whom we shared many aspects of our lives. But since the divorce, she has dropped me, which I found bewildering and sad.

I wonder if it could be something else? Perhaps she is overwhelmed.... depressed. Perhaps she can no longer participate in the restaurant meals or the couples gatherings?

I can imagine myself, now that I am in the process of divorcing, fading out of my friends lives for these and many reasons.

There is more, actually. She got cancer shortly after the divorce, and it made her crazy that she did not have a husband to support her through the ordeal. (She's fine now.) I tried very hard to support her, including flying out to see her (she lives a distance from me), but it didn't help things. I think she felt my troubles, which I'd always shared with her, were trivial compared with divorce and cancer. Yes, and no. If the situation were reversed, I don't think I would react as she has.

I don't get this competition between women. Men don't seem to have it. At least DH has friends in all sorts of situations--alcoholics, divorced, single, rich, poor, re-married, in good and bad marriages, and they still hang out together, regardless. I don't resent other women who are more fortunate than I, as long as they aren't gloating about it to me. My best friend is skinny and beautiful, without a line on her face, and she's actually older than I am! She has many wonderful things in her life I don't have in mine, but I don't resent her for it because she's humble and kind and supportive, no matter what. That's what I want in a friendship, and it's hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

Ok, as a woman with many gay male friends I just laughed my head off at the idea that gay men have no drama in their relationships.