Thinking about female friendship lately

[Anonymous]

A good friend is someone who delights in your good fortune. I had a friendship end recently because I was in a good place and it was impossible for her to be happy for me. Makes me sad still, but who needs a friend who wishes the worst for you?

That was me -- and reading back over my post, I feel I should clarify! Obviously I don't just want friends to sit around and make me feel good about all the good stuff going on. But that's part of it -- I can't trust someone who isn't genuinely happy for others and doesn't want good things for her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I was friends with someone who was well educated, thin, and married with children (just like me) but we ended our friendship because she and I did not see eye to eye on how to raise our kids.

And for the record, yes, you do tend to become friends with the women with which you have things in common.

[Anonymous]

I definitely enjoy being with friends who have things in common with me, but those "things" tend to be values and interests. I don't think of weight, attractiveness, or marital status as particularly relevant. (And regarding the married with kids thing -- didn't you have old friends who got married and had kids before you? Or friends who don't get married and have kids until years after you? I mean, it's pretty hard to only be friends with people who are currently at your exact station in life, especially as life ebbs and flows.)

[Anonymous]

I have a good nose for competition and when I sense it, I have a hard time in the friendship. My best friends have differing circumstances/god given talents (some have great legs, some have rich husbands, some are super smart, some are loyal and kind) Not sure any of them have all of those things. I certainly don't. What I am trying to say is I get along best with women for whom that stuff just doesn't matter.

As for my own willingness to invest in a friendship. I have made it a priority to surround myself with upbeat people who seek health and wellness in their lives and for their families. Doesn't mean I drop friends going through hard times, or that I eat tofu and flax all the time. But a general committment to living life authentically and an interest in a healthy, fun lifestyle is very important to me. Oh, and a "healthy interest in drinking red wine with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, it is not rocket science. Birds of a feather...you know all that. People who exercise and watch their diets tend to have GASP friends who do the same. People who LOVE movies have friends who LOVE movies. I made all my friends at college from SMOKING. We all met smoking outside buildings. And we were and are an eclectic bunch. All that being said, as an adult, I try to cultivate and keep as many different friends as I can. Mom friends, football friends, drinking friends, old friends, work out friends, park friends, funny friends, serious friends, needy friends, confident friends, whatever. I have a good array now! But largely, the druggie friends NO. The super skinnies NO. The super obese NO. Not b/c I would shun them, but b/c our lives do not sync up. Simple as that.

Sorry, as someone who was a working model in NYC for a few years until I was no longer relevant, but who still turns heads and wears a size six and exercises on a daily basis, I can confidently tell you that I have many friends in many shapes and sizes. One of my friends you would consider obese, but she is funny, smart, and one of the kindest people I know. She is a girl I always want in my corner. Many of my friends look just like normal moms. People who are probably quite a few sizes bigger than they used to be, hair that is dry from being in a ponytail all day, and skin that looks worn from many a sleepless night. We might not all look the same, but our values and things that we cherish and hold true to our hearts are indeed very similar. I don't care if someone is fit or not, I certainly don't have conversation that revolves how many cruches I did that day or how intense the spin class was this morning. Why would I ever exclude someone from my circle of friends because they were super skinny or super obese? Are these people not "worthy" of the company of an average weight person? I know there are people out there that are so shallow, I just assumed they would be too ashamed to admit it, but I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A good friend is someone who delights in your good fortune. I had a friendship end recently because I was in a good place and it was impossible for her to be happy for me. Makes me sad still, but who needs a friend who wishes the worst for you?

That was me -- and reading back over my post, I feel I should clarify! Obviously I don't just want friends to sit around and make me feel good about all the good stuff going on. But that's part of it -- I can't trust someone who isn't genuinely happy for others and doesn't want good things for her friends.

That's me too. I had alot of bad luck for years. after 5 years of hell and my friends friendship, everything turned around. i was happy and had some great luck. anyways, she dropped me like a hot potato. makes me really sad thinking about it. some friends like to be around you when you are suffering so they feel better about their own lives. very sad. a year later she tried to connect with me again (maybe things were going better for her). i never called her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, it is not rocket science. Birds of a feather...you know all that. People who exercise and watch their diets tend to have GASP friends who do the same. People who LOVE movies have friends who LOVE movies. I made all my friends at college from SMOKING. We all met smoking outside buildings. And we were and are an eclectic bunch. All that being said, as an adult, I try to cultivate and keep as many different friends as I can. Mom friends, football friends, drinking friends, old friends, work out friends, park friends, funny friends, serious friends, needy friends, confident friends, whatever. I have a good array now! But largely, the druggie friends NO. The super skinnies NO. The super obese NO. Not b/c I would shun them, but b/c our lives do not sync up. Simple as that.

Sorry, as someone who was a working model in NYC for a few years until I was no longer relevant, but who still turns heads and wears a size six and exercises on a daily basis, I can confidently tell you that I have many friends in many shapes and sizes. One of my friends you would consider obese, but she is funny, smart, and one of the kindest people I know. She is a girl I always want in my corner. Many of my friends look just like normal moms. People who are probably quite a few sizes bigger than they used to be, hair that is dry from being in a ponytail all day, and skin that looks worn from many a sleepless night. We might not all look the same, but our values and things that we cherish and hold true to our hearts are indeed very similar. I don't care if someone is fit or not, I certainly don't have conversation that revolves how many cruches I did that day or how intense the spin class was this morning. Why would I ever exclude someone from my circle of friends because they were super skinny or super obese? Are these people not "worthy" of the company of an average weight person? I know there are people out there that are so shallow, I just assumed they would be too ashamed to admit it, but I guess not.

AMEN! Could not have said it better. It's sort of sad to see people say things like, "duh, we're all skinny, of course we're going to be friends" as if they were so shallow that all they did was get together and talk about being skinny? Come on, there's SO much more to life and to base it on looks is a pretty good sign that YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE.

[Anonymous]

btw...does keeping your hair in a ponytail make your hair dry?? Im going to have to change up my hair do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, it is not rocket science. Birds of a feather...you know all that. People who exercise and watch their diets tend to have GASP friends who do the same. People who LOVE movies have friends who LOVE movies. I made all my friends at college from SMOKING. We all met smoking outside buildings. And we were and are an eclectic bunch. All that being said, as an adult, I try to cultivate and keep as many different friends as I can. Mom friends, football friends, drinking friends, old friends, work out friends, park friends, funny friends, serious friends, needy friends, confident friends, whatever. I have a good array now! But largely, the druggie friends NO. The super skinnies NO. The super obese NO. Not b/c I would shun them, but b/c our lives do not sync up. Simple as that.

Sorry, as someone who was a working model in NYC for a few years until I was no longer relevant, but who still turns heads and wears a size six and exercises on a daily basis, I can confidently tell you that I have many friends in many shapes and sizes. One of my friends you would consider obese, but she is funny, smart, and one of the kindest people I know. She is a girl I always want in my corner. Many of my friends look just like normal moms. People who are probably quite a few sizes bigger than they used to be, hair that is dry from being in a ponytail all day, and skin that looks worn from many a sleepless night. We might not all look the same, but our values and things that we cherish and hold true to our hearts are indeed very similar. I don't care if someone is fit or not, I certainly don't have conversation that revolves how many cruches I did that day or how intense the spin class was this morning. Why would I ever exclude someone from my circle of friends because they were super skinny or super obese? Are these people not "worthy" of the company of an average weight person? I know there are people out there that are so shallow, I just assumed they would be too ashamed to admit it, but I guess not.

AMEN! Could not have said it better. It's sort of sad to see people say things like, "duh, we're all skinny, of course we're going to be friends" as if they were so shallow that all they did was get together and talk about being skinny? Come on, there's SO much more to life and to base it on looks is a pretty good sign that YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE.

I think as the poster said birds of a feather.... however, I think their weight is not necessarily what they have in common, but the fact that they are shallow empty people. Again as a fit person when I meet someone I do not quiz them on their healthy eating habits or their # of trips to the guy. This sounds like really boring conversation. So I guess my feather does not fit in that flock.

[Anonymous]

I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A good friend is someone who delights in your good fortune. I had a friendship end recently because I was in a good place and it was impossible for her to be happy for me. Makes me sad still, but who needs a friend who wishes the worst for you?

That was me -- and reading back over my post, I feel I should clarify! Obviously I don't just want friends to sit around and make me feel good about all the good stuff going on. But that's part of it -- I can't trust someone who isn't genuinely happy for others and doesn't want good things for her friends.

I've had the same happen to me. when I was going through a divorce, I had so many friends (from all stages of life, some who lived far away) come out of the woodwork and were truly awesome. But then I got remarried and have been in such a happier place, a few of these friends just disappeared -- despite a lot of effort on my part to keep up the relationship. I think they enjoyed my old miserable self because they are not in good places in their own lives. Makes me very sad. I still appreciate though the help they gave me when I was at my lowest point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A good friend is someone who delights in your good fortune. I had a friendship end recently because I was in a good place and it was impossible for her to be happy for me. Makes me sad still, but who needs a friend who wishes the worst for you?

That was me -- and reading back over my post, I feel I should clarify! Obviously I don't just want friends to sit around and make me feel good about all the good stuff going on. But that's part of it -- I can't trust someone who isn't genuinely happy for others and doesn't want good things for her friends.

I totally agree. During my single life, I used to have two good friends (at least I thought they were) until one of them stop calling me after I told her I was going out with a very nice guy from our country and I was happy. The other friend (married), seemed to be jealous I bought a car. Then she wanted to use it and also asked me to find her a job in the company I was working for. None of her "requirements" were possible. I didn't want that kind of friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

That's how I feel... But that often leaves me giving up on female friends, which I'm not so sure is good. Few years ago, I had a friend get royally angry at me because of the fact that I had less time to hang out and always had to schedule things around my family. She felt neglected as a friend. And so I became distant from her because I felt it was unfair and unsensible to cause drama over something that will always take priority -- my kid and my husband. Looking back, maybe I could have made more of an effort with her and that would have appeased her, but at the time, I was pissed at her audacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that my life is much better what I have a close female friend. But somehow it almost always goes awry.

My husband thinks women talk too much, confide to much, ask and take advice too much, have too many opinions about each other and a whole bunch of other things men don't generally experience in their friendships which, usually, last longer. Men can hang around a talk about music or politics or things -- not personal things -- relatively light things, and they don't end up feeling betrayed or like their values are not in sync. When they really need each other (a helping hand on moving day or something like that) I've noticed that they all jump to help each other in a way women usually don't. It's like an unspoken pact or something.

Maybe we expect too much of each other? The deep talks, the "being there" often, the unconditional acceptance, advice and such. I mean, my husband never asks his friends what he should do about anything. And they don't tell him and ask only the nice polite, safe type of questions. They basically drink and talk about music. But they don't have fights. Why do we have fights? What is the thing with us, anyway?

I don't have these problems. If I sense anything strange, I stop talking to the person. I've never been in a fight with a "friend" since I've become a mature adult. There are a lot of very very unhinged women out there. You need look no farther than DCUMs to find these people who are annoyed at the slightest infraction or question. If I were a man, I would be gay. I could not handle the mental instability.

Honestly, I have no time for drama. I have enough drama in my family so my drama cup is all full with no room left for more.

Wow, that is really scary. Do you imagine you can ever find someone who you can have a friendship with and never "sense anything strange" over time??? Not if you are both human. The ability to work through problems is a given in any relationship. Sorry, but you sound a bit unhinged yourself.