Can cheating be forgiven?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it depends on the people in the marriage and what is/isn't important to them.

If DH cheated, I'd forgive him, unless the cheating was of an utterly egregious nature (i.e., he was secretly married to someone else and had 5 kids with them or something equally insane). Ultimately, to me, sexual fidelity is less important than the friendship, rapport and caring I have with him, the fun and the intellectual stimulation, the lifestyle compatibility, even the good sex etc. Not to mention what a good parent he is to our children. He does not know that because there is no need to encourage anything, but that is how I feel (and no, I would not cheat on him myself).

But if fidelity is very important to you, then cheating may be a deal breaker and such a betrayal of trust that you cannot get over it, then you should walk away. Having no marriage is better than a toxic and miserable one.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a different angle, but my wife was a lot more sexually experienced when we met. Can't complain because she has been open to just about anything I have wanted to try in bed. And I have worked damn hard to be a satisfying lover (in tune to what she wants) as well as a good husband and father. If she cheated on me, it would be a slap in the face of this effort and I would feel like a wimp if I stuck around. I don't go the extra mile for her to have another guy get off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse who has been married for a very long time, and is considering cheating, why is the cheater necessarily the bad one? My DH has treated me like sh:$ for years, has repeatedly called me names that should have forced me to divorce him, calls me stupid, fat, etc. and is generally grumpy and rude. If I decide I'm lonely, I'm attracted to someone who is attracted to me and makes me feel special for the first time in years, it's just not that simple. Didn't my DH already break his vows when he decided to disrespect me and call me horrible names? I know those who say yes, I'm the bad one and I should just divorce him instead, but it's just not that simple to me.

Sounds like double standard BS to me. Get therapy or get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse who has been married for a very long time, and is considering cheating, why is the cheater necessarily the bad one? My DH has treated me like sh:$ for years, has repeatedly called me names that should have forced me to divorce him, calls me stupid, fat, etc. and is generally grumpy and rude. If I decide I'm lonely, I'm attracted to someone who is attracted to me and makes me feel special for the first time in years, it's just not that simple. Didn't my DH already break his vows when he decided to disrespect me and call me horrible names? I know those who say yes, I'm the bad one and I should just divorce him instead, but it's just not that simple to me.

Sounds like double standard BS to me. Get therapy or get divorced.

She should just divorce him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a different angle, but my wife was a lot more sexually experienced when we met. Can't complain because she has been open to just about anything I have wanted to try in bed. And I have worked damn hard to be a satisfying lover (in tune to what she wants) as well as a good husband and father. If she cheated on me, it would be a slap in the face of this effort and I would feel like a wimp if I stuck around. I don't go the extra mile for her to have another guy get off.

I always wonder if a husband who calls his wife stupid or fat, is in fact stupid and fat. Just wondering why he would say it if it were not true.

[Anonymous]

I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse who has been married for a very long time, and is considering cheating, why is the cheater necessarily the bad one? My DH has treated me like sh:$ for years, has repeatedly called me names that should have forced me to divorce him, calls me stupid, fat, etc. and is generally grumpy and rude. If I decide I'm lonely, I'm attracted to someone who is attracted to me and makes me feel special for the first time in years, it's just not that simple. Didn't my DH already break his vows when he decided to disrespect me and call me horrible names? I know those who say yes, I'm the bad one and I should just divorce him instead, but it's just not that simple to me.

I don't even know where to start with you...

You let a man treat you like shit
You rely on other to "make you feel special"

It really that simple... Get a divorce... And you imaginary boy toy will dump you ass the minute he gets an idea you might leave your H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

A year is not a long time to heal from the pain. I hated the feeling that he got away with it... But it is more complicated than that. He know he list something special that he will never have again.

God luck!

[Anonymous]

Lost not list

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship.

Both partners don't play a role in an affair. Both partners play a role in the decline/demise of the marriage, totally. But no one forces you to have an affair. You can always separate first, or just not cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship.

He was bored, we've been married awhile. I'll admit the sex was losing steam (frequency not diminished, just not as hot as it was) I had those thoughts but I didn't go elsewhere to spicy things up.
Bottom line, he loved feeling like a woman (besides his wife) was attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship.

He was bored, we've been married awhile. I'll admit the sex was losing steam (frequency not diminished, just not as hot as it was) I had those thoughts but I didn't go elsewhere to spicy things up.
Bottom line, he loved feeling like a woman (besides his wife) was attracted to him.

Very few human beings are going to have the sex they had when they first met. Newness always makes things hotter. And I doubt there are many married couples where both parties have never fantasized about sex with another person. But wanting to feel someone else is attracted to you and then acting on it is a ridiculous excuse.

[Anonymous]

I agree, which is why I'm having a hard time dealing with it now. I'm sure it will happen again, as we settle back into married life and get comfortable. That is always in the back of my mind. It's not how I want to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair. The affair taints everything. At first I was in a mission to save my marriage. My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc. Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over. Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed. He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair? The sex part of it, yes. The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing. For me it's all ruined now.

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship.

Both partners don't play a role in an affair. Both partners play a role in the decline/demise of the marriage, totally. But no one forces you to have an affair. You can always separate first, or just not cheat.

But isn't the decline in the marriage an aspect of an affair? At least generally? To use your logic, no one forces a spouse to be dismissive of the other one. No one forces a spouse to accept that their partner is "bored". Does refusing to look critically at both spouses role predispose for the same problem? I think it might. It's easy to say the cheating spouse is a bad person. Much harder to place their behavior in a more complex, realistic setting.