Can cheating be forgiven?

[Anonymous]

Looking at saving a marriage. Can it and should it be forgiven? I would like to forgive...

[Anonymous]

I would not forgive that.
My husband knew coming into this relationship that cheating is not something I will tolerate.
If he chooses to cheat, he knows I am gone.
My stance has not changed in 18 years that we have been together,

[Anonymous]

OP: The thing is, I am not going to be so simple minded about 1) basic human urges 2) the collective events that led up to the emotional break between us that I believe led to the cheating. He did something weak and immature but I was also being shitty and mean.

Honestly, I get it and what happened. And it was a one off. My whole thing is all the fuckin self help advice online and everywhere is I am submitting to some kind of domestic abuse by staying with him. There are no gray areas.

I really actually have forgiven him already... just feeling screwed up because of what that forgiveness might mean. We always pump up forgiveness in society as holy and aspirational but when someone does it we call them a dummy...

[Anonymous]

Never say never, but I cannot think of a situation in which I would be capable of forgiveness. I think it would haunt me and our relationship for the rest of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: The thing is, I am not going to be so simple minded about 1) basic human urges 2) the collective events that led up to the emotional break between us that I believe led to the cheating. He did something weak and immature but I was also being shitty and mean.

Honestly, I get it and what happened. And it was a one off. My whole thing is all the fuckin self help advice online and everywhere is I am submitting to some kind of domestic abuse by staying with him. There are no gray areas.

I really actually have forgiven him already... just feeling screwed up because of what that forgiveness might mean. We always pump up forgiveness in society as holy and aspirational but when someone does it we call them a dummy...

So maybe the real questions are: can our relationship and marriage be saved? Can we re-build the trust? Can we work through this, most likely with a lot of blood, sweat and tears and a really good marriage counselor?

[Anonymous]

I haven't forgiven. The sex I could care less about, it's all the lying and how easily he did it, that I struggle with.

[Anonymous]

I did it. I think it depends entirely on the people involved, the exact underlying cirumstances, the actions the cheater takes afterwards, etc.

Many, many couples stay together after infidelity. I think that sometimes they are just not the most vocal about it because it's not always something you want to admit to other people.

[Anonymous]

I think it's very difficult. For a number of reasons, I decided that forgiving is what is best for my family. Looking forward and not backwards is really important, as is your spouse not giving you a reason not to trust in the future. Total transparency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never say never, but I cannot think of a situation in which I would be capable of forgiveness. I think it would haunt me and our relationship for the rest of our lives.

Me too. I would have so much anger it wouldn't be worth continuing.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: The thing is, I am not going to be so simple minded about 1) basic human urges 2) the collective events that led up to the emotional break between us that I believe led to the cheating. He did something weak and immature but I was also being shitty and mean.

Honestly, I get it and what happened. And it was a one off. My whole thing is all the fuckin self help advice online and everywhere is I am submitting to some kind of domestic abuse by staying with him. There are no gray areas.

I really actually have forgiven him already... just feeling screwed up because of what that forgiveness might mean. We always pump up forgiveness in society as holy and aspirational but when someone does it we call them a dummy...

I don't think people think they are dummies. They might be viewed as weak and not self confident.

[Anonymous]

Five years out, and I have honestly forgiven my DH's EA. It had nothing to do with me, and all to do with his fears of getting older. Classic mid-life crisis.

Yes, it is possible to forgive - but only if your husband is remorseful and willing to examine his own issues. You may say you had an emotional break, but something in his character gave him permission to betray the marriage. That needs to be corrected.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness and leaving are 2 different things.

You can leave him/her and still forgive.

You can forgive and stay.

Forgiveness is the act of changing how you view the act, letting go of negative emotions (vengeance/anger) and wishing the offender well.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not the offender.

You may be able to forgive but not stay. You may be able to forgive and stay.

Forgiven? yes Forgotten? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it. I think it depends entirely on the people involved, the exact underlying cirumstances, the actions the cheater takes afterwards, etc.

Many, many couples stay together after infidelity. I think that sometimes they are just not the most vocal about it because it's not always something you want to admit to other people.

The couples that do stay together, should be more vocal. Really. It's phenomenal how they get to a place of forgiveness. We shout to the high heavens about forgiveness but when it happens, we condemn it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness and leaving are 2 different things.

You can leave him/her and still forgive.

You can forgive and stay.

Forgiveness is the act of changing how you view the act, letting go of negative emotions (vengeance/anger) and wishing the offender well.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself not the offender.

You may be able to forgive but not stay. You may be able to forgive and stay.

Forgiven? yes Forgotten? No.

+100

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.