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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm almost a year out from finding about my husbands affair.  The affair taints everything.  At first I was in a mission to save my marriage.  My husband has supposedly reformed and stopped seeing his AP, apologized, etc.  Now though I feel that I'm worth more than the deceit, and bullshit he des me for years. I don't enjoy spending time with him, everything reverts back to "what if he's just lying to me again", over and over.  Let me be clear it was by shear accident that I discovered the affair in the first place, his manner at home, our sex life, nothing changed.  He was good at compartmentalizing and now I feel like a massive sucker.

Have I forgiven his affair?  The sex part of it, yes.  The lies he told me, not so much.

It all depends on what kind of person you are, and what he's willing to do to prove it.

I fear my situation will end in us divorcing.  For me it's all ruined now. [/quote]

Is the "why" he cheated relevant to your feelings? I know a lot of people on DCUM will say that doesn't matter, but whether a couple divorces or not, understanding the roles BOTH partners play in affairs would seem to me essential to the genesis of future stable relationships or the reconciliation of the marriage. This isn't a blame thing, but the tacit recognition that, for most people, affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I feel like until you understand why he had the affair, you can't possibly comes to grips with the impact it's had on your life and your relationship. [/quote]

Both partners don't play a role in an affair. Both partners play a role in the decline/demise of the marriage, totally. But no one forces you to have an affair. You can always separate first, or just not cheat.[/quote]

But isn't the decline in the marriage an aspect of an affair? At least generally? To use your logic, no one forces a spouse to be dismissive of the other one. No one forces a spouse to accept that their partner is "bored".  Does refusing to look critically at both spouses role predispose for the same problem? I think it might. It's easy to say the cheating spouse is a bad person. Much harder to place their behavior in a more complex, realistic setting.[/quote]

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