He won't stop buying junk at the grocery store

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why the poster above had to be so annoying.

OP, my DH is an insulin-dependent diabetic so i have a sense of what you're dealing with. I wonder if part of this is your DH's underlying anger about his own limitations and the burden of constantly restricting and monitoring food. Maybe this is a way of rebelling against the diabetes - by refusing to acknowledge it. I would suggest that, in future conversations, maybe you could focus on how the improved diet will help DD improve in the sport she has chosen. Accentuate the non-health related positives since he has already shown he isn't very swayed by the health arguments.

Just a thought. Sorry you're dealing with this.]

+1 on all of this. His struggle with his food and health issues, as well as maybe wanting a "partner in crime" to eat junk with him, is affecting how he feeds your child and you are absolutely right to be taking as strong a stance as you can. He's being very selfish and irresponsible, and it's terrible for your DD. Great job on talking it through with your daughter - she is surely aware of her weight problem, but few if any kids her age have the willpower to resist that kind of temptation being dangled under their noses all the time. You're doing your daughter a favor while he is actively harming her and undermining both of you. Ignore the lame poster calling you passive-aggressive for hiring a sitter to go grocery shopping. It sounds like you tried everything to make him listen and you had to make your point loud and clear somehow. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, purposefully fattening up your daughter like a Christmas goose. I had a dad who did a very similar thing when I was the exact same age, and it has set me up for a lifetime of easy weight gain, difficulty keeping thin, and general food issues.

Question: are you thin while he is overweight? I've seen this dynamic before when that is the case. Food becomes their bond and you get left out.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. And maybe switch back to the original pediatrician and see if s/he has some advice for you! Maybe also family counseling, even if only you and your daughter go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why the poster above had to be so annoying.

OP, my DH is an insulin-dependent diabetic so i have a sense of what you're dealing with. I wonder if part of this is your DH's underlying anger about his own limitations and the burden of constantly restricting and monitoring food. Maybe this is a way of rebelling against the diabetes - by refusing to acknowledge it. I would suggest that, in future conversations, maybe you could focus on how the improved diet will help DD improve in the sport she has chosen. Accentuate the non-health related positives since he has already shown he isn't very swayed by the health arguments.

Just a thought. Sorry you're dealing with this.]

+1 on all of this. His struggle with his food and health issues, as well as maybe wanting a "partner in crime" to eat junk with him, is affecting how he feeds your child and you are absolutely right to be taking as strong a stance as you can. He's being very selfish and irresponsible, and it's terrible for your DD. Great job on talking it through with your daughter - she is surely aware of her weight problem, but few if any kids her age have the willpower to resist that kind of temptation being dangled under their noses all the time. You're doing your daughter a favor while he is actively harming her and undermining both of you. Ignore the lame poster calling you passive-aggressive for hiring a sitter to go grocery shopping. It sounds like you tried everything to make him listen and you had to make your point loud and clear somehow. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, purposefully fattening up your daughter like a Christmas goose. I had a dad who did a very similar thing when I was the exact same age, and it has set me up for a lifetime of easy weight gain, difficulty keeping thin, and general food issues.

Question: are you thin while he is overweight? I've seen this dynamic before when that is the case. Food becomes their bond and you get left out.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. And maybe switch back to the original pediatrician and see if s/he has some advice for you! Maybe also family counseling, even if only you and your daughter go.

[Anonymous]

^^Apologies for the double post - I mistakenly put my own comment in the quote field and tried to fix it, but not fast enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you staying with him OP? He's verbally abusive, passive aggressive and knowingly harming your child with crappy food. What amazing qualities outweigh all of this? Please share.

I am saving money and have an exit plan.

He was given an ultimatum and chose counseling. What happens next depends on the work he puts into addressing these problems.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]+1 on all of this. His struggle with his food and health issues, as well as maybe wanting a "partner in crime" to eat junk with him, is affecting how he feeds your child and you are absolutely right to be taking as strong a stance as you can. He's being very selfish and irresponsible, and it's terrible for your DD. Great job on talking it through with your daughter - she is surely aware of her weight problem, but few if any kids her age have the willpower to resist that kind of temptation being dangled under their noses all the time. You're doing your daughter a favor while he is actively harming her and undermining both of you. Ignore the lame poster calling you passive-aggressive for hiring a sitter to go grocery shopping. It sounds like you tried everything to make him listen and you had to make your point loud and clear somehow. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, purposefully fattening up your daughter like a Christmas goose. I had a dad who did a very similar thing when I was the exact same age, and it has set me up for a lifetime of easy weight gain, difficulty keeping thin, and general food issues.

Question: are you thin while he is overweight? I've seen this dynamic before when that is the case. Food becomes their bond and you get left out.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. And maybe switch back to the original pediatrician and see if s/he has some advice for you! Maybe also family counseling, even if only you and your daughter go.[/quote]

The sitter is for weekday care while we're at work.

I started going to the gym last year and the results are obvious. I had not considered that, but it certainly could have been the thing that exacerbated the food problem.

[Anonymous]

I was also unsuccessful at fixing the quotes.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him why he is feeding your daughter junk? Why he wants her to have health issues? Why at the age of 12 he wants her to be shopping in the upper range if women's clothing? Why he wants other kids to make fun of her? Why he wants her to feel bad about the way she looks?

He sounds like a selfish asshole to me. Keep doing the shopping. Talk to your DD about calories and teach her how to make healthier choices at Dairy Queen- maybe vanilla ice cream over a hot fudge sunday. Most places have nutrition info listed online.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]+1 on all of this. His struggle with his food and health issues, as well as maybe wanting a "partner in crime" to eat junk with him, is affecting how he feeds your child and you are absolutely right to be taking as strong a stance as you can. He's being very selfish and irresponsible, and it's terrible for your DD. Great job on talking it through with your daughter - she is surely aware of her weight problem, but few if any kids her age have the willpower to resist that kind of temptation being dangled under their noses all the time. You're doing your daughter a favor while he is actively harming her and undermining both of you. Ignore the lame poster calling you passive-aggressive for hiring a sitter to go grocery shopping. It sounds like you tried everything to make him listen and you had to make your point loud and clear somehow. Your husband should be ashamed of himself, purposefully fattening up your daughter like a Christmas goose. I had a dad who did a very similar thing when I was the exact same age, and it has set me up for a lifetime of easy weight gain, difficulty keeping thin, and general food issues.

Question: are you thin while he is overweight? I've seen this dynamic before when that is the case. Food becomes their bond and you get left out.

Best of luck to you and your daughter. And maybe switch back to the original pediatrician and see if s/he has some advice for you! Maybe also family counseling, even if only you and your daughter go.[/quote]

The sitter is for weekday care while we're at work.

I started going to the gym last year and the results are obvious. I had not considered that, but it certainly could have been the thing that exacerbated the food problem.

[/quote]

Yes, it could be that he's jealous and insecure about your weight loss, and his unwillingness/inability to accomplish the same himself, so he's consoling himself and expressing his resentment by fattening up your daughter and making it two against one. Really sad. He needs help and I don't blame you for preparing for separation if he doesn't solve this. Good job, mom!

[Anonymous]

Have you or your DD read the book Jelly Belly http://www.amazon.com/Jelly-Belly-Robert-Kimmel-Smith/dp/0440442079 ? My 5th grader brought it home from the school library.

It's tough for eleven-year-old Ned to stop eating. At four-feet-eight inches tall he weighs one hundred and nine pounds, and he keeps growing--wider. When his pareents send him to a summer diet camp, he and his bunkmates can't quite give up their old habits. The joys of candy and doughnuts are so appealing that "cheating" adventures seems to be the only answer. The problem, of course, is how to lose weight and keep eating sweets. When Ned finally realizes that there is only one way to lose weight for good, his whole family is glad to help, except Grandma. How can he resist temptation without hurting his grandma and himself?

It's apropos of the situation with your DH. He is sabotaging your efforts and the efforts of your DD. Perhaps if she spoke to him, he'd be more on board.

[Anonymous]

+1 for "Jelly Belly"! This is a great book and I thought about suggesting this.

Just one other thought OP, obvious I know but your daughter is squarely in the middle of this power struggle between you and your husband. She may feel that in order for you to love her, she must eat healthy, and for Dad to love her, she must go with him to Dairy Queen. Maybe she doesn't feel that way, but it's a distinct possibility I'd consider. Good for you for working to get your daughter to a better place

[Anonymous]

If he buys junk food, if you can get the receipts you can return it to the store for refund.

You two are setting her up for some crazy food issues, with all this fighting for control over her.

She's almost 12, and you are cutting up and portioning fruit for her like she's a toddler. It strikes me that she's at the age where she should be handling things like this herself. She could take part in preparing healthy foods alongside you.

[Anonymous]

My goal with the fruit was to make it as easy to grab as anything else. That, and he insists he doesn't offer it to her because he doesn't have time to cut it up.

I'm trying to parent, not control her. That's asinine.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP whose mom did the same thing. One thing I thought about: consider talking with your daughter about the science around willpower research (and read some of it yourself). Humans are hard-wired to eat junk and it's not a failure of character that she eats what is put in front of her. This is why it needs to be out of the house. If it is in the house, she *will* eat it, particularly if she already has a genetic predisposition to it.

It took years for me to get over self-hating myself for eating the junk food my mom put in front of me. Reading all the studies about how our brains work was therapeutic for me, but I wish I had forgiven myself years ago. I maintain a healthy weight and activity level now, but it is really hard work and my teen weight issues permanently changed my body. I also struggled hugely with pregnancy weight and it took me years to lose what I gained (I did lose it eventually, but it was very hard).

[Anonymous]

Here's a blog your daughter might find inspiring - a very popular one among teen girls and a really nice success story. There are lots of healthy recipes on there, including ones for "healthy junk food" that might help your daughter transition from real junk (Klondike bars) to "healthy junk" (like banana pancakes with fresh blueberries, which I can attest are delicious). Just a thought.

http://simplytaralynn.com/my-story/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP whose mom did the same thing. One thing I thought about: consider talking with your daughter about the science around willpower research (and read some of it yourself). Humans are hard-wired to eat junk and it's not a failure of character that she eats what is put in front of her. This is why it needs to be out of the house. If it is in the house, she *will* eat it, particularly if she already has a genetic predisposition to it.

It took years for me to get over self-hating myself for eating the junk food my mom put in front of me. Reading all the studies about how our brains work was therapeutic for me, but I wish I had forgiven myself years ago. I maintain a healthy weight and activity level now, but it is really hard work and my teen weight issues permanently changed my body. I also struggled hugely with pregnancy weight and it took me years to lose what I gained (I did lose it eventually, but it was very hard).

Not OP, but can you suggest any reading? Your prior post really spoke to me. I'd never thought about it in those terms, but my mother totally did the same thing. There was no healthy food in our house growing up, only junk, and lots of it. It is still hard work to maintain a healthy weight, and I am currently struggling with losing the pregnancy weight from my no-longer-a-baby. I feel like reading similar studies would help me, too.

Also, good luck, OP. You have your work cut out for you on many fronts.