I hate my best friend's kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

+1

Why do I feel like your reaction to this child is extreme?

Why are there grown ups who don't understand that different words bother people differently? I use the word hate and have never understood why some people flip out about it so much. It's not a slur, offensive or even hurtful. Thus, it's an allowed word in my house.

PP, I guess you're right, but we also judge others by the words they use. If I met you and your children and you talk about "hating" this and that and other people it would factor into my perception of who you are. The words we choose to use is important in my opinion.

Bully for you. I have a friend like you, by the by, who eschews the use of the word "hate," "bad," and a few other words that in the context most people use them, are about as offensive as the word "tree." Then she busts out "retarded" to describe she doesn't like, a word I find actually, truly offensive. You use words that affect my perception of you, too. Everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a stretch to say that the word "hate" isn't hurtful. Saying you hate lima beans...ok. Saying I hate you. Pretty hurtful in just about anyone's book. "Hate crime" and "hate speech" don't really conjure up warm feelings.

And "hate" modified by either "crime" or "speech" is exactly the usage we're discussing! Brava!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

+1

Why do I feel like your reaction to this child is extreme?

Why are there grown ups who don't understand that different words bother people differently? I use the word hate and have never understood why some people flip out about it so much. It's not a slur, offensive or even hurtful. Thus, it's an allowed word in my house.

PP, I guess you're right, but we also judge others by the words they use. If I met you and your children and you talk about "hating" this and that and other people it would factor into my perception of who you are. The words we choose to use is important in my opinion.

Bully for you. I have a friend like you, by the by, who eschews the use of the word "hate," "bad," and a few other words that in the context most people use them, are about as offensive as the word "tree." Then she busts out "retarded" to describe she doesn't like, a word I find actually, truly offensive. You use words that affect my perception of you, too. Everyone does.

Completely off topic, but every time I see this I chuckle. Reminds me of Samuel Jackson's line in the movie Jackie Brown.
DH and I joke with it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a stretch to say that the word "hate" isn't hurtful. Saying you hate lima beans...ok. Saying I hate you. Pretty hurtful in just about anyone's book. "Hate crime" and "hate speech" don't really conjure up warm feelings.

And "hate" modified by either "crime" or "speech" is exactly the usage we're discussing! Brava!

Actually - we were discussing OP approaches for managing interaction with her daughter and this other child's bad behavior. Then the finger pointing and topic derailment over the title of the thread began.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious. NP here read through everything and think you have sound advice. But does the stealing, bratty, mean, aggressive child of your BF make you question the parenting/maturity level of your BF? Or ever impact the alone time you want to spend with her? Where is the child learning behavior?

I ask because I'm a new parent and haven't faced anything like this, hopefully won't have to when DD is bigger, but curious to know PPs thoughts on if friendships stay strong when you pull back because of bratty bad ass children, or if moms/BFFs get offended.

OP here.

Good question. The short answer is no, but what else could it be? I am actually shocked that BF's kid is such a brat. She puts huge emphasis on manners and discipline. That is how BF was raised. Her DD is very well-mannered (please, thank you), when mom is watching. However, BF's DH is kind of a dick. He is also the King of Idle Threats. I think he thinks it is funny when DD bullies other kids, like she is "tough"

Her behavior isn't extreme (physical, well, except for the occasional hair pull) but it is not how I raise my kids and don't want them to be subjected her behavoir.

Hasn't impacted our relationship yet. BF and I go out to dinner every now and then. We both work (and she has an extremely demanding job) so she is very busy. She does invite us to stay at their ski house in the winter but I declined once this year becuase I don't want my DDs subjected to her DD for a whole weekend so I miss that time with her (we used to go skiing all the time for years together at her place) but other than that, we chalk it up to being busy.

For those who suggest saying something - yes, she is my BF of 25 years, but I still don't feel right saying "Hey, I think your DD is really mean". ANy suggestions on how to approach it?

And I do call out BF's DD's bad behavior when I see it. It usually results in her rolling her eyes and sulking away, but never changes anything.

Frankly, OP, it is your friend that is the problem. It sounds like this little girl really needs her mom's attention, but mommy is too busy with her extremely demanding job, not to mention her ski house, to notice. Why would you want a person like that in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

+1

Why do I feel like your reaction to this child is extreme?

Why are there grown ups who don't understand that different words bother people differently? I use the word hate and have never understood why some people flip out about it so much. It's not a slur, offensive or even hurtful. Thus, it's an allowed word in my house.

PP, I guess you're right, but we also judge others by the words they use. If I met you and your children and you talk about "hating" this and that and other people it would factor into my perception of who you are. The words we choose to use is important in my opinion.

Bully for you. I have a friend like you, by the by, who eschews the use of the word "hate," "bad," and a few other words that in the context most people use them, are about as offensive as the word "tree." Then she busts out "retarded" to describe she doesn't like, a word I find actually, truly offensive. You use words that affect my perception of you, too. Everyone does.

Completely off topic, but every time I see this I chuckle. Reminds me of Samuel Jackson's line in the movie Jackie Brown.
DH and I joke with it all the time.

I love you. Ordell Roby was THE character of all characters. My favorite Sam Jackson movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who suggest saying something - yes, she is my BF of 25 years, but I still don't feel right saying "Hey, I think your DD is really mean". ANy suggestions on how to approach it?

I take it you never tell BF about DD's bad behavior and eye-rolling after it happens? That's my suggestion. It's not about what her DD *is*, it's about what her DD *does* (apparently, when her mom is not in the room). In your example where the DD was contrite while being disciplined by your BF, but told the girl she hated her and pulled her hair after your BF turned her back, if you saw that happen, why didn't you call the DD out on that, or point it out to your BF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

Well, we're all adults here and can decide for ourselves if we want to use the word hate when if it applies to our feelings. We don't live in your household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would not expose my children intentionally to this child to " teach her a lesson" my children are exposed to enought at school and in sports and they can learn to navigate bullies there. On my watch, being at home or with me will be a place of comfort and love. No need to pile on.

BTW, I dontwork with bullies and do quite well in life. I don't tolerate nastiness out of people. It is not a skill I developed and it has served me well. I've emerged a leader being intolerant of ugly people.

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

Well, we're all adults here and can decide for ourselves if we want to use the word hate when if it applies to our feelings. We don't live in your household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your kids have to deal with the fact they sometimes have to deal with a situation is not to their liking.

Or

2. You teach them the world revolves around them and dump your friend.

OP here. I see your point, and in school obviously this is the case (dealing with the fact that my kids will sometimes have to deal with a situation that is not to their liking) but if it is an environment that I can somewhat control, should they have to put up with that?

I guess I just answered my own question.

You did. Don't expose them to her. See the friend on your own without the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend sucks as a parent. Her DD is a reflection of her non-parenting. It will only get worse.

Start planning adult only get together and if she questions tell her the truth matter of fact , your DDs only like to do play dates with friends and they don't consider her DD a friend.

Yep, that's what they all say until their kid starts cutting the monkey and then of course it is not THEIR parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious. NP here read through everything and think you have sound advice. But does the stealing, bratty, mean, aggressive child of your BF make you question the parenting/maturity level of your BF? Or ever impact the alone time you want to spend with her? Where is the child learning behavior?

I ask because I'm a new parent and haven't faced anything like this, hopefully won't have to when DD is bigger, but curious to know PPs thoughts on if friendships stay strong when you pull back because of bratty bad ass children, or if moms/BFFs get offended.

OP here.

Good question. The short answer is no, but what else could it be? I am actually shocked that BF's kid is such a brat. She puts huge emphasis on manners and discipline. That is how BF was raised. Her DD is very well-mannered (please, thank you), when mom is watching. However, BF's DH is kind of a dick. He is also the King of Idle Threats. I think he thinks it is funny when DD bullies other kids, like she is "tough"

Her behavior isn't extreme (physical, well, except for the occasional hair pull) but it is not how I raise my kids and don't want them to be subjected her behavoir.

Hasn't impacted our relationship yet. BF and I go out to dinner every now and then. We both work (and she has an extremely demanding job) so she is very busy. She does invite us to stay at their ski house in the winter but I declined once this year becuase I don't want my DDs subjected to her DD for a whole weekend so I miss that time with her (we used to go skiing all the time for years together at her place) but other than that, we chalk it up to being busy.

For those who suggest saying something - yes, she is my BF of 25 years, but I still don't feel right saying "Hey, I think your DD is really mean". ANy suggestions on how to approach it?

And I do call out BF's DD's bad behavior when I see it. It usually results in her rolling her eyes and sulking away, but never changes anything.

Frankly, OP, it is your friend that is the problem. It sounds like this little girl really needs her mom's attention, but mommy is too busy with her extremely demanding job, not to mention her ski house, to notice. Why would you want a person like that in your life?

I feel sorry for this kid -- sounds like she may be getting some of this from her dad. By the same token, mom may be getting it from the Dad or is tired of fighting DH about his teaching DD bad behaviour.
Nevertheless, I would not necessarily subject my kids to this. And yes, you can feel sorry for the kid AND keep my kids away.
I truly do not understand using the word "hate" in regards to a kid. I understand "hating" kid's behaviour, and not wanting to be around them, but actually "hating" the kid -- that's a bit much for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The word "hate" is not allowed in our household, and it is most certainly not permitted in reference to another person. It's really sad and unfortunate that you feel like you can say that about a child...particularly your best friend's kid. It sounds like she's a piece of work for sure but come one, OP. Clean up your language. Words are powerful.

Well, we're all adults here and can decide for ourselves if we want to use the word hate when if it applies to our feelings. We don't live in your household.

Love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend sucks as a parent. Her DD is a reflection of her non-parenting. It will only get worse.

Start planning adult only get together and if she questions tell her the truth matter of fact , your DDs only like to do play dates with friends and they don't consider her DD a friend.

Yep, that's what they all say until their kid starts cutting the monkey and then of course it is not THEIR parenting.

"Cutting the monkey"?